Monday, August 9, 2010

Birth Mother Blurb

So before I get started, I just want to say this post is going to be a vent session, and a graphic one at that. But educational, so please read:) Throughout my adoption journey I've met several wonderful birth moms...and several not so wonderful. But I appreciate both kinds because I learn from each. But as I've become close friends with other birth moms I've come to the realization that we all have one HUGE thing in common, yet all our stories and situations are SO different. Mainly due to the difference in our personalities. For example, I'd say I heal quick, I don't like talking about sex, and I think there is such a thing as stupid questions. But what's life without variety right? It keeps things interesting. Anyway, as I was out with some fellow birth moms tonight I realized that I may not have found my place just yet. I don't understand how girls like me can find pleasure in talking about the one thing that got us into this mess in the first place. Yeah, we're adults, and yeah it's part of life, but that doesn't mean it's ok. Am I really so weird that I've only slept with one guy in my entire life? I'm sorry, should I have slept with more, where did I miss the memo? I will openly admit that I don't like talking about it because it is a personal weakness. And if I were smart, I'd avoid that weakness at all costs, even in speech. Well, these girls are my closest friends, and I believe in being open with them so I guess it's time for a girl talk...bleh, I'm so not looking forward to this.

Anyway, on to another topic. I want to tell the world a little more about the fears we have as birth moms. Our fears are deep and they are real. Why? BECAUSE WE ARE NORMAL PEOPLE WHO LIVE AND BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS YOU DO. We're not psycho freaks who place their babies because we're void of any emotion.
Fears of birthparents:
  • Telling your story to others and having them misunderstand.
  • Everyone believes you have mental issues and that's why you couldn't keep your child.
  • That you were heavily into drugs and couldn't keep your child.
  • That I'm just irresponsible and don't have the maturity to take care of my baby.
  • Misunderstanding that just because we miss our child, doesn't mean that we regret our choice to place our baby for adoption.
  • Being told you're not a good enough mother and you abandoned your baby.
  • Adoption was just a way to hide the "unwanted" pregnancy. (Our babies are never UNWANTED. We have always wanted them.)
  • Everyone will think I never wanted my baby or I took the "easy way out."
  • Going back to old habits and my birth child hating me for not changing or being better for them.
  • Your adoptive family won't tell your birth child who you are and you did everything out of love.
  • Birth child not knowing you love them.
  • Never being able to get used to the title as "birth mother" not "mother."
  • Worry the adoptive parents will get a divorce.
  • I will do or say something wrong so the adoptive family will hold my birth child hostage and never let me see them.
  • I will do or say something wrong to my birth child and they will no longer want contact with me.
  • My birth child will think being adopted is a burden and hate me for it.
  • My birth child will think they were an accident or a mistake.
  • They will hate hearing that they look like their birth parents.
  • Worried how to tell the guys I'm dating that I've had a baby and placed the baby for adoption.
  • Never being married so then I won't be able to have my own kids later unless I am artificially inseminated.
  • How my birth son/birth daughter will feel when I do get married and decided to have's that whole "why will you keep them but not me" thing.
  • After placing, your child will instantly forget you and won't want you to hold them.
  • Feel awkward seeing the adoptive family after placement.
  • Living the rest of my life regretting the adoption.
We also experience pain. Go figure right? Well, surprisingly some adoptive couples (heck some people, not just ACs) don't understand that we hurt even with an open adoption. I have a birth mother friend who had some good points on her blog, in fact the above fears come from her, thanks steph:) and these quotes come from her blog too, I hope she doesn't mind, but they express exactly how it feels to be a birth mom at times.

“Trust me I know how it feels I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you. I know what it’s like to wait for everyone to be asleep so you can fall apart for everything to hurt so bad you just want it to end, I know exactly how it feels”

"Ever have that feeling in your heart where it hurts so bad, words could never do it justice? Where you don't know if you should laugh from the unimaginable pain that you feel, or cry. Where it hurts too much to be real. That feeling where your chest aches, and it's hard to breathe. You want to scream, but the pain has taken away your voice. Leaving you silent and empty. That's how I feel right now."

"Real loss only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself"

"One of the greatest discoveries a [woman] makes, one of [her] greatest surprises, is to find [she] can do what [she] was afraid [she] couldn't."

"God places the heaviest burdens on those who can carry its weight"

"When I was afraid of everything, I was never afraid to love you"

I love all these quotes. As birth moms, we make a huge sacrifice, and I'm not saying we should be praised for it. I'm saying that I firmly believe educating people about all ends of an adoption story is so important. Which is why I LOVE hearing Adoptive couples tell their story. So, that's my blurb for the day. Till next time!:)


  1. Love all those quotes. Love you Shanae!

  2. Thank you, girl. I love, love this post. I think your daughter is gorgeous, I love how you have a ticker that shows her age and I LOVE how open you are to talk about all the angles of adoption. You inspire me, educate me, and help me to better love my children's birthmothers. I may use this post on my blog in the coming weeks if that is okay with you. I would love to share your words with other adoptive parents that read my blog.

  3. Laurie, I'm glad you enjoyed it:) Feel free to use whatever information you'd like for your blog. Have a great day!

  4. So, Jen told me to read your blog and boy am I glad that I have been! You probably know that they recently adopted a baby girl and I happen to be that sweet things birthmom. I have been reassured with a lot of the things that you talk about on here and I just want to tell you thank you! I keep a blog to journal on but it is private because I can't seem to put things into words that seem like they would help people. Anyways, just wanted to say I think your awesome!