Friday, July 27, 2012

Thanks Mom and Dad

Surprise Everyone! This post is on Adoption:) I figured it was about time and I have something really important I want to write about.  So, here goes nothin’!

Last night, my sister and I were up talking about my past.  She said, “ShaNae, it’s weird for me to even think about how you were once pregnant, it’s as if it never happened.” And I said, “But it did, and SO much good change has come because of it.” To that she replied, “Oh I know, that’s what I mean! You’ve come so far, you’re not even that person anymore.” I couldn’t help but think for a second and realize that she was right.  I HAVE come so far and it’s all thanks to one HUGE mistake.  MY MISTAKE.  And that’s what I want to talk about.  

First off, Sophie is not a mistake, Sophie is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  The indiscretion I was a part of to get pregnant was the mistake.  And believe me, I have never felt the consequences of any decision so strongly as I did that one.  And I wasn’t the only one.  It affected my entire family and many others.  In more ways than one. 

When I got pregnant, my boyfriend (we'll call him Stephen) was living with us.  He had some severe circumstances at home and quite frankly had very few places to go.  My parents opened up their home to him for a time, with the agreement that he’d work to find a place of his own.  He was supposed to stay only a month, but ended up staying for five.   My parents weren’t dumb.  They knew having my boyfriend in the home was a bad idea.  They weren’t naïve.  They knew Stephen and I were messing around.  But I convinced them time and time again to keep him around because I was what people call a ‘saver’.  I wanted to save Stephen, change him, mold him.  What I was too young and inexperienced to realize is that you CAN’T change anyone, and quite frankly, it’s you that ends up changed and often pulled under with them.  So, five months after Stephen moved in, I ended up pregnant.  Having him around 24/7 forced us to become codependent and our relationship went too far.  We’d sneak out of the house and go somewhere to do exactly what we shouldn’t… It was the saddest ending to what I thought would be my Happily Ever After.     
As soon as we told my parents we were pregnant, of course they kicked Stephen out.  That’s a given.  My dad gave him 48 hours to get out, find someplace else to live.  We understood of course.  And let me say this.  I have NEVER in my entire life, felt so much guilt and remorse.  I had betrayed my parents trust in the worst way possible.  I had embarrassed them to the fullest extent.  I HATED MYSELF FOR THAT. So much so, it ate at me day in and day out.  I couldn’t look at them in the eye, I could barely even talk to them.

I was pregnant, I knew people were going to talk.  People always do.  But I was never one to care what people thought or said about me.  I did care however, what they were saying about those I loved most.  I hated that everyone in our neighborhood now thought one thing or another about my parents and their decision to let Stephen into our home.  My parents always had good intentions with Stephen, they were trying to help him, expose him to the gospel and a healthy home.  They didn’t think we’d go as far as to get pregnant.  But lots of people said things like, “Well duh, what’d you expect” or “We saw that one coming”. I know I hurt and embarassed my parents, but we got past that. They knew people were talking, but stood above that.  Our situation became complicated and all that mattered at that point was dealing with it the best way we could.  They let me know they were there as my support.  They helped me feel the love and hope that I needed to make a critical decision concerning my child’s future.  Basically, my parents were Rock Stars.  And it didn’t hit me until last night that I’ve never put that in writing.  There were times when some harsh judgments were thrown at my parents, judgments they didn’t deserve.  I made the mistake to get pregnant, not them.  They trusted me.  I betrayed that trust and have worked LONG and HARD to get it back.  I love my parents for what they did for me those long nine months.  And they taught me so much about faith and forgiveness.  I can’t thank them enough for supporting me to this day with my decision to place Sophie for adoption. 

So, I guess you could say I felt the need to tell the world how awesome my parents are;)   ha And I hope this post did the job.  I couldn’t have done it without them.  Thanks for all you do and all you put up with mom and dad.  I love you!!!

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