Wonderful Mistakes

Why HELLO again.  It's been WAY to long since my last post and I realize that's probably cost me over half my audience (which wasn't very big to begin with unfortunately) but I'll do my best to make up for it and earn 'em all back and then some!  I just finished school, I have a life now:) I'm working graves at a fabulous treatment facility that lets me write ALL I WANT in my FREE time. Meaning, once all my shiz is done.  And heaven knows, I've been aching to write, with lots to write about! So hopefully I'm able to spit out a post or two every week on just about everything from adoption, to hippi mafias, to marriage, to life lessons, to comedy, and more.  I'm super excited.  I've had hundreds of ideas just mulling over in my head for months, with no time to write them down.  So, I plan on spending a lot of my summer organizing those thoughts and putting them out there on the internet where they can now and forever be used against me...sounds good to me:) 

SO, the other day I was working and due to the nature of the facility I work at, there were motivational quotes and sayings just about every where I looked.  I spent a few minutes reading some, connecting them with people or places I knew.  Ideas I had.  Or experiences I'd been through.  One quote in particular triggered my thoughts to commence down memory lane. And it had this effect, because my life has been FULL of mistakes. Absolutely full.  But I say that with no underlying implication of remorse.  The quote said, "A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." And after I withdrew my thoughts from memory lane I thought, "Wait a second. So, a life like mine must be pretty damn useful right?" Here I was for the first time in a long time, acknowledging my worth as a human being.  As a citizen.  As a wife.  As a daughter, birth mother, friend, sister....As ME. 

We hear it all the time.  We.Are.Our.Own.Worst.Critic.  And it's true.  Unless unsuspecting fame has caused your head to swell, then you're like the rest of us.  You don't fathom your worth.  So, being part of the majority who has yet to enjoy the comforting bliss of fame, I naturally, continually demean myself.  Forgetting that I've made wonderful, yes wonderful, mistakes.  Mistakes that have led me to places and people I never would have beforehand seen or known.  Mistakes that have changed my body, mind, and soul forever and molded me into someone that deserves to be loved by the one person who mostly definitely should...myself. 

So, there I was, having a moment.  I noted my honor.  I noted my usefulness.  And I noted to always try and remember that a life like mine will never stop turning.  AND THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT.  Because like the quote says, the more mistakes you make, the more useful you are to yourself and those around you. The more mistakes you make, the more people you can relate to.  The more mistakes you make, the more open you are to life's experiences.  And the last thing I ever want to do is stop learning, stop meeting new people, and stop LIVING.

Throughout the weeks that followed, this quote would arbitrarily pop into my head.  I'd be sitting at home, getting down on myself cause I couldn't finish a stupid homework problem.  Or I'd be standing in the mirror cursing because I have birthing hips and saggy boobs.  Or I'd get mad at myself for ruining what was supposed to be a nice dinner for Spenser and I.  But then my thought process would change.  And all of a sudden I wasn't stupid, I just needed a brain break.  Or I wasn't ugly and fat, I had a beautiful body, one that had given birth to a beautiful baby girl.  Or I wasn't a failing wife, just lacking skill in the culinary department. This was ground breaking for me.  To be conscious of all the times throughout each consecutive day I was demeaning myself.  And then to reverse those thoughts and turn them in to something more reasonable.  I felt better, I felt CLEANER when I could remind myself of all the things I've done RIGHT  because I've done WRONG. 

This new thing I'm doing, this change in thought, has altered my mood immensly.  I'm happier, I'm less stressed, and I'm more grateful. It's a work in progress, but I don't plan on halting the efforts any time soon.  These kinds of things, these patterns of change, they take time.  But I know they're worth it.  Now, the main reason I bring this up is not to expound on my most recent self discoveries, that's boring. I bring this up for something much more important.  

During the week before finals I was riding the campus shuttle to class.  Sometimes rides on said shuttle can become slightly awkward due to there being only two rows of benches, placed on either side of the bus.  So every passenger faces their fellow riders, hopelessly avoiding eye contact or the urge to stare.  However, on this particular day I rejected all social cues held withing my subconscious and just stared.  I stared. At each and every girl riding the bus with me that day.  Why? Because it was just that. An entire bus full of women. Not a single male inhabited a seat on those two rows. And these women were of all different shapes and sizes.  All different races, religions, background, majors. . . all very different.  In more ways than one. However, the one thing it took less than 30 seconds for me to realize we all had in common, was how much we DIDN'T and maybe couldn't, fathom our worth.  I was feeling self conscious that day without makeup. And that's ALL I could think about. The girl on my right,attemping discreteness, had her cell phone off so she could examine every square inch of her face through the screen's reflection.  The lady across from me was overweight, and never looked up from the ground.  The woman on the end of my row looked beaten and abused, torn down tired.  And the woman on my left kept fidgeting with her hair, her nails, her makeup, her clothes. None of us seemed comfortable in our own skin.  Not one of us seemed happy.  And not one of us seemed to be believe we.were.beautiful.  

I'm not kidding when I say I had a sudden, strong epiphany.  I pulled out my cell pone and sent myself a text that said, "and not one of us believed we were beautiful" so that I could remember that moment, sort it out in my brain, and write about it later.  Which is why I'm here, relaying that story now. Because after I realized what was taking place on that bus, I felt sick.  Absolutely sick to my stomach to know that most women, most divine daughters of God, don't believe they are beautiful.  Don't fathom their worth.  And how sad, how heart breaking is that? To me, I wanted to cry.  Sounds a little emotional and extreme but it broke my heart. Because I have a daughter.  I know what it's like to love a little girl more than life itself.  And if I EVER heard her thoughts.  And if they were EVER like the thoughts I feed myself on the days I don't wear makeup.  Or the days I don't ace a test.  I would be torn, my heart would be confounded with grief.  I would wonder how she couldn't comprehend her beauty.  Her worth.  How she couldn't possibly see her strengths, her strong points. I would do everything in my power to help her FATHOM HER WORTH.

 It's all too easy for us to understand someone else's worth without ever fully comprehending our own. I've understood Sophie's worth since the day she was born.  And nothing about that could ever change. But I'm in my twenties...and I STILL don't fully understand my own.  I sill don't love myself the way I should.  

In this moment I thought of my Heavenly Father, and how he must feel, as a Father, every time I've hated myself.  Or hated the mistakes I've made.  And then I multiplied that by all the people in Earth's history who've hated themselves at one point or another. And I tried once more, to comprehend how that must make Him feel.  From my standpoint as a birth mother, as someone vulnerable to how her daughter view's herself, I could only imagine.  I suddenly held this strong conviction.  To try as much as possible, not to add to His pain.  

And not just for His sake, but for mine. And to know that my life, one absouletely full of wonderful mistakes, is worth a lot.