Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Faith Makes Things Possible, Not Easy

So, I know I said I wanted to write about the dating game from a birth mother's point of view, but I changed my mind. I plan on doing that one later, but today I really just need to talk about something else, for my own sanity's sake. The title of this post is something I have really taken to heart. Faith Makes Things Possible, Not Easy. I try to remember that every day, especially when things get hard and it feels like nothing is going your way. Lately I've been super stressed about lots of things: work, school, life in general, but I am especially stressed with my adoption. Now, let me clarify it has nothing to do with how I'm being treated or how things are between my daughter and her family. It's just me and my healing process. For the past few weeks I've just felt sick every time I think about how much I'm missing out on. And how much worse it might get as our lives continue to get busier and busier. I hate that sense of panic I get every time I realize Sophie is getting older every day and I see her less and less. I don't want it to be less, and I don't like feeling like that part of our lives is out of my control. Being a control freak and a birth mom do not mesh well at all. I kinda just have to take things and stride and hope for the best. Sometimes I have super bad baby cravings and wish I could drive right over just to hear her talk or see her walk. It's dealing with those moments alone that make things difficult. When those feeling come, I can't treat them with a Sophie fix. I've had to learn how to make myself feel ok through other methods. How do I do it? A lot of self-talk mostly. And like I said, a lot of Faith. I have to take myself back to why I did this and how happy she is because of my decision. Nothing matters more to me than Sophie's happiness and so even when I'm feeling sad, I turn my thoughts to her, and slowly my pain is lifted. One of my biggest fears as Sophi's birth mom is feeling like she'll never love me back, or even know how much she means to me. It's so hard, figuring out who I am to her. I wish I could see me through her eyes, even just for a moment.

Most days I'm fine. It's the truth. And that's mostly because my life keeps me super busy and I don't have time to just sit and dwell on certain things. However, when I do sit and think, one of the worst things I always seem to do to myself is think too hard. I will say, only because this is my online journal and I should be allowed to, is that when I think to myself, "I have a daughter out there, I REALLY TRULY have a DAUGHTER out there, and she's not here with me" it KILLS me. it hurts so much I can hardly stand it. I sometimes hate this connection I feel with Sophie because it will never go away and it almost seems unfair. I know this all sounds so negative and I have to apologize. But writing is so therapeutic and I can already feel it helping me sort our my thoughts and feelings. I love Sophie. I love her family. But just like the love, there is no hiding the pain that comes with an adoption story.