From the Beginning

For those of you who have been involved with adoption, in any way, know that it's one of the hardest, most incredible things a person can go through. This is my story, part of it anyway. It's too long to tell in one post, so I'll tell it little by little.

In August of 2009 I discovered the heart dropping truth of my pregnancy. I have never felt so alone in my life as I did at that moment. The world literally came crashing down and all I wanted was to disappear. The news sent both the birth father and I into a complete whirl pool of emotions. Shame, guilt, disappointment, fear, anger, sadness, excitement, and worry were just to name a few. After disposing of the pregnancy test, we immediately drove to Planned Parenthood. There, we hoped to receive some kind of help or comfort. As we drove up and walked in I remember feeling like all eyes were on me. Like everyone in the room was thinking, "eww, you're just another pregnant, unmarried teen. The world could rid itself of you." However, the nurses were very kind and helpful. They helped me understand my options and move towards the next important step. As shamed as I am to admit it now, I will tell you that abortion was my first choice. I was over come with fear and knew that my pregnancy would be high risk. So, I asked the nurse what needed to be done to receive an abortion. She informed me that because I was under 18, an abortion required parental consent. You can imagine my horror upon hearing that...but needless to say, I nodded my head and said ok. I shook in terror the whole ride home, knowing that I'd have to tell my parents right away. If I was going to get an abortion, I wanted it asap. I knew I wouldn't be able to go through with it the second my baby had a heart beat.

I'm going to skip some details, simply for personal privacy. I will say that I told my mom the moment she arrived home that day. Dad found out from mom that night. Abortion remained an option for only about a week after that. I just couldn't do it. And I firmly believe it's wrong. That's a stated opinion, so if yours differs, don't argue. There's a time and a place for that, and it's not here.

Anyway, at 8 weeks, news of the pregnancy was between me, mom, dad, the birth father, and my bishop. When I was 2 months along, we went to LDS Family services. And that's where my adoption journey really began. I met with my case worker (whose name I will not reveal for her own privacy's sake so we'll just call her Jan) and she put me on the path of options. I began meeting her once a week to help me through my emotions and sort out my problems. She also opened my eyes to every one of my decisions and helped me move toward the one I eventually felt comfortable with.

Now, before I continue, this is why I chose adoption:

After a lot of thought, prayer, and consideration, I knew adoption was the right choice for me. It's not for everyone, but it was for me. There are several reasons for my decision. Some are religious, some financial, some emotional, and some related to circumstance. My top reason, however, will forever and always be this: My daughter is my most precious gift. And I love her unconditionally. I believe that when you love someone unconditionally you put their needs before your own. As a firm member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I know that every child is ENTITLED to certain blessings that come from the sealing covenant. That sealing covenant can only take place when a child has a married, temple-worthy mother and father, a condition that I was unable to offer at the time. As much as my heart yearned to keep her, and raise her, and have her as my own, I would never be at peace knowing I could have given her more. I wanted her to have stability. I wanted her to have a mom AND a dad who were mature and wise. I wanted her to have a mom, 24/7, and younger siblings to love on her to pieces. I couldn't offer those things, and probably never could. I had to listen to my head, not my heart. And though adoption may be the hardest route for me, it was/is definitely the right one.