Life Is Simple If You Let It Be

Life IS simple. I promise. I've been thinking A LOT lately about what I want in life, and where I need to go. And I think the most important thing I've learned is that things are only as big, hard, or frustrating as I let them be. I've hit an interesting curb recently, one that has truly helped in my personal progression. And this is it: Some days are going to suck, some days are never going to end, and some days I may want to give up...but is life going to stop and wait for me to catch up? NO. So keep pushing and know that things always get better. As long as I'm doing my best. I feel like I've gone from this oober stressed, freaked out individual to a really laid back, "I can do this" mentality. And it is AWESOME:) I recommend it to anyone. Being part of an adoption story has opened my eyes to the things that truly matter. And I've learned a few things. Such as: people (including myself) complain about really stupid things that can easily be fixed with some good ol' positive self talk, there's a lot of unnecessary over evaluating in this world, and immaturity runs deep in the roots of humanity. Well, honestly, I just felt like expressing that:) Everything is good and busy around here still. I visited Sophie today at her home and got to spend time with her and her family. It was wonderful:) She's getting huge! I'll post some pictures asap. Still as cute as can be though, that hasn't changed:)

Birth Mother Blurb

So before I get started, I just want to say this post is going to be a vent session, and a graphic one at that. But educational, so please read:) Throughout my adoption journey I've met several wonderful birth moms...and several not so wonderful. But I appreciate both kinds because I learn from each. But as I've become close friends with other birth moms I've come to the realization that we all have one HUGE thing in common, yet all our stories and situations are SO different. Mainly due to the difference in our personalities. For example, I'd say I heal quick, I don't like talking about sex, and I think there is such a thing as stupid questions. But what's life without variety right? It keeps things interesting. Anyway, as I was out with some fellow birth moms tonight I realized that I may not have found my place just yet. I don't understand how girls like me can find pleasure in talking about the one thing that got us into this mess in the first place. Yeah, we're adults, and yeah it's part of life, but that doesn't mean it's ok. Am I really so weird that I've only slept with one guy in my entire life? I'm sorry, should I have slept with more, where did I miss the memo? I will openly admit that I don't like talking about it because it is a personal weakness. And if I were smart, I'd avoid that weakness at all costs, even in speech. Well, these girls are my closest friends, and I believe in being open with them so I guess it's time for a girl talk...bleh, I'm so not looking forward to this.

Anyway, on to another topic. I want to tell the world a little more about the fears we have as birth moms. Our fears are deep and they are real. Why? BECAUSE WE ARE NORMAL PEOPLE WHO LIVE AND BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS YOU DO. We're not psycho freaks who place their babies because we're void of any emotion.
Fears of birthparents:

• Telling your story to others and having them misunderstand.
• Everyone believes you have mental issues and that's why you couldn't keep your child.
• That you were heavily into drugs and couldn't keep your child.
• That I'm just irresponsible and don't have the maturity to take care of my baby.
• Misunderstanding that just because we miss our child, doesn't mean that we regret our choice to place our baby for adoption.
• Being told you're not a good enough mother and you abandoned your baby.
• Adoption was just a way to hide the "unwanted" pregnancy. (Our babies are never UNWANTED. We have always wanted them.)
• Everyone will think I never wanted my baby or I took the "easy way out."
• Going back to old habits and my birth child hating me for not changing or being better for them.
• Your adoptive family won't tell your birth child who you are and you did everything out of love.
• Birth child not knowing you love them.
• Never being able to get used to the title as "birth mother" not "mother."
• Worry the adoptive parents will get a divorce.
• I will do or say something wrong so the adoptive family will hold my birth child hostage and never let me see them.
• I will do or say something wrong to my birth child and they will no longer want contact with me.
• My birth child will think being adopted is a burden and hate me for it.
• My birth child will think they were an accident or a mistake.
• They will hate hearing that they look like their birth parents.
• Worried how to tell the guys I'm dating that I've had a baby and placed the baby for adoption.
• Never being married so then I won't be able to have my own kids later unless I am artificially inseminated.
• How my birth son/birth daughter will feel when I do get married and decided to have kids...it's that whole "why will you keep them but not me" thing.
• After placing, your child will instantly forget you and won't want you to hold them.
• Feel awkward seeing the adoptive family after placement.
• Living the rest of my life regretting the adoption.

We also experience pain. Go figure right? Well, surprisingly some adoptive couples (heck some people, not just ACs) don't understand that we hurt even with an open adoption. I have a birth mother friend who had some good points on her blog, in fact the above fears come from her, thanks steph:) and these quotes come from her blog too, I hope she doesn't mind, but they express exactly how it feels to be a birth mom at times.

“Trust me I know how it feels I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you. I know what it’s like to wait for everyone to be asleep so you can fall apart for everything to hurt so bad you just want it to end, I know exactly how it feels”

"Ever have that feeling in your heart where it hurts so bad, words could never do it justice? Where you don't know if you should laugh from the unimaginable pain that you feel, or cry. Where it hurts too much to be real. That feeling where your chest aches, and it's hard to breathe. You want to scream, but the pain has taken away your voice. Leaving you silent and empty. That's how I feel right now."

"Real loss only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself"

"One of the greatest discoveries a [woman] makes, one of [her] greatest surprises, is to find [she] can do what [she] was afraid [she] couldn't."

"God places the heaviest burdens on those who can carry its weight"

"When I was afraid of everything, I was never afraid to love you"

I love all these quotes. As birth moms, we make a huge sacrifice, and I'm not saying we should be praised for it. I'm saying that I firmly believe educating people about all ends of an adoption story is so important. Which is why I LOVE hearing Adoptive couples tell their story. So, that's my blurb for the day. Till next time!:)

Life Can Be Crazy

I have finally been able to sit, catch my breath, and blog for a bit:) Can I just say that life never slows down, I swear! It's insane. One thing after the next. I work every day of my life and free time is truly a sweet rarity theses days. Which is nice. I am one of those weirdos who thrives off being busy. It makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something.

So update on Sophie. She just had her 2 month Dr. appointment and she's almost 10 pounds!!! We thought she'd never get there she's so tiny. Her mom says she's more and more alert all the time and she's starting to hold her head up all by herself. I can't believe how time flies...So all in all she's doing wonderful. Healthy as ever!

I attended the FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) conference last week, and had a fabulous time. I stayed at a hotel with some of my close birth mother friends, and we had a blast. I learned A TON. I met tons of people associated with adoption in several different ways and it was wonderful hearing all ends of adoption stories. I made new friends and had a great time:) Troy and Rebecca were unable to attend this year, but they best come next year! haha While at the conference, I had the goal in mind to learn more about adoptive couples, and what they experience. I wanted to understand adoption from their perspective. So, I went to a few classes that were mostly intended for adoptive couples. I was shocked to learn that some ACs don't understand why birth mothers experience such pain and grief with an open adoption. I was also surprised to hear that some ACs miss and love their birth mothers like family, where as others don't. I liked hearing about the grief that ACs experience with infertility and the joy that comes when they have the opportunity to start a family. I feel honored to be a birth mother. Even with the good, the bad, and the ugly, it's all worth it.

Yesterday I met with my case worker and discussed where I'm at with my healing process. I told her that I no longer NEED to see Sophie in order to heal. I realize now that my healing is up to me, in my mind and in my heart. It's all dependent on my own personal choices. I have reached the point where visits with Sophie and her family are times I look forward to, like Christmas:) My happiness should not be dependent on anyone but me, and I've finally reached that point. Apparently I'm a bit ahead of the game, which was so good to hear. My case worker wants me to start being a little more involved with FSA, so she is going to assign me to a sub committee. My job will be to blog/photograph all of FSA's events on our chapter blog. I'll also interview adoptive couples and post their stories on line. I'm looking forward to it all!:)

Well, back to reality! 'Till next time!

Peekaboo Portraits

New Beginnings

It's been a while since I've written due to loss of internet access and a new job. I finally landed the internship of my dreams at Highland Fire Department working as an EMT!!!!:) Let me tell you, it is the FUNNEST most EXCITING job of my life. I don't get paid much because I'm just an intern for now, but maybe some day I'll be able to move up to a part time employee. Meanwhile I'm looking for a second job as an ER Technician at Provo hospital. I pray I get the job! I just got off a 24 hour shift at the station, after which I had to run home and get ready for the American Fork parade where I marched with an LDS Family services FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) float. I'm soooo tired and will be taking an afternoon nap here pretty soon. I didn't get any sleep last night because we had emergency calls, which I totally don't mind. I'd rather be going on calls than sleeping any day. I have so many stories from work even after just two weeks of employment. I LOVE the job. The guys decided I needed to have some sort of "initiation" yesterday so they dared me to drink a whole gallon of milk in an hour. If I completed the task, they'd award me with $100. P.S. it was whole milk...bleh:P I almost did it! I got 3/4 of the way through and then I almost threw up, so needless to say, I didn't recieve the $100 but I am officially initiated...ha! whatever, I only tried it because they doubted my abilities and I was up to a challenge. Anyway, I hated milk before, but now I really hate it.

So, update on Sophie and her goings on. She is still as tiny as can be, though she drinks 4 ounces of milk ever 3 hours of so. She's a chow hound! But a cute one at that! Her hair is growing longer, thicker, and redder all the time. She just barely started to smile in reaction to people. It is THE cutest thing ever. She has so many funny faces that she makes, she's very animated and it's to-die-for adorable! And her sweet mom took tons of pictures of her smiling, so I will be sure to post those very soon for all to see. We also got our professional photos back from Peekaboo Portraits, so I'll post those as well. Sophie is on a plane at this very moment headed to Virigina with mom and dad. They'll be spending the whole next week there at an EFY while the boys stay at home enjoying time with their grandparents. Anywho...that's the jist of it. Things are going great between me and my adoptive family, the Mathesons. I love them to pieces and can't wait for our big BBQ coming up on the 26th!

As far as my emotional healing process...things are going great. I have gone from having 3-4 horrible days in a row to 3-4 bad hours every now and then. I am slowly building up my confidence and moving on with my life in positive ways. And though my heart still aches and I still have questions, I am at peace knowing that Sophie is being so loved and taken care of and that I can see her again. Adoption is amazing people, I just want to put that out there. It has changed/blessed my life, as well as many others. Till next time!

Wednesday Visit With Sopharina

Here's a video for y'all to see:) I went to visit Sophie and the rest of the fam on Wednesday. While there, Troy decided Sophie should start practicing her drill team skills. She'll be a fabulous dancer for sure thanks to her pappi;) And that's the picture Rebecca took while I sat and enjoyed the smell of baby barf. Gotta love it!:)

oh p.s. in the video I say, "look how red her hair is" and it doesn't even look red. It is though, I promise. The lighting didn't show it off apparently cause it looked red in person. And my video camera is bad quality. bummer.

Silver Lining

It's an up day everyone:) Well, the past two days have been great actually. Yesterday I got to spend time at the Matheson abode and enjoy time with them and little Soph:) It was tons o' fun; filled with excitement and two little boys running on tanks of energy. They never fail to crack me up. And might I say how much Sophie has grown in just the past week! Not weight wise...heck she's still as tiny and petite as can be. But her hair has grown a ton (and it's coming in even more red!:)) and she is much more alert and attentive. I love to see her smile because of her cute little dimples, they're the best! Oh, and probably one of my favorite parts of the visit was seeing her interaction with her daddy. Oh my goodness...does she love him. I saw him pick her up, say a few words, and immediately she was whipping her head around to locate his face. Once she had, she gave him the biggest grin. It was so cute to watch!:) And of course her mommy has "the mother's touch" and is able to settle Sophie down within minutes. That was amazing to see as well. Sophie recognized my voice, but I have a harder time getting her to calm down. Obviously...she's not used to me. But that's ok!:) I got to try shooshing her and eventually she stopped crying one of the times. I still feel like I'm going to break her whenever I hold her, so I catch myself being kind of clumsy and careful. She does a lot of head whipping, which scared me because I forgot to watch out for that. She just doesn't have that muscle control yet which is totally normal for her age. Oh! And Sophie totally vomited ALL over my hair when I was burping her...it was so lovely. I wore it with pride haha totally joking...but Rebecca did make me sit there while she took a picture. It smelt awful!

Anyway....Sophie is beautiful as ever, and doing great. Her mom has had pnemonia the past week so daddy's been stepping in to help out. I have been sick as well but am feeling much better. I had college orientation today, I am all prepped and ready to go for the fall semester at UVU as a pre-med major. I'm so excited!:) Tomorrow I'm heading up to Idaho to spend the weekend with my friend and her room mates so that will be fun too. Well, that's the jist on things right now. Till next time!