Sunday, May 26, 2013

Am I Over It?

There was a time in High School when one of my closest friends confided in me concerning her parents impending divorce.  The first time I heard the news I was heart broken.  Devastated that this beautiful family was soon to be split in two.  I ached for her.  Couldn't even begin to imagine what she must be feeling.  Didn't know what to do or say other than offer a place of safety, love, and comfort.  However, as she continually disclosed the same information repeatedly over the course of several months I began to grow weary.  I was sick of hearing it.  I could only say so much.  I could only DO so much before her pain became burdensome and I was sick of hearing about it.  That's when I turned to her one day after school, amidst another one of her venting episodes, and told her to JUST GET OVER IT.

Still can't believe I ever said that.
But I did.  And she'd never forget it either.  And I don't blame her.  I looked at her straight on and said, "I'm serious.  You need to get over it.  Your parents are getting divorced and there's nothing you can do about it.  Stop mulling and move on." To which she said nothing but instead, stood up and walked away.  
We had a break in our friendship for quite some time after that.  Because I was insensitive and rude.  Because I failed to see, that what she was experiencing right then, would be life changing for her.  She needed my support.  She needed my listening ear.  But I grew tiresome, and bored.  And didn't take her circumstance seriously. I didn't realize this trial she was going through would become a defining part of who she was.  I didn't appreciate that.  I didn't help her see that, feel that, know that.  And as her friend I could have...
The reason I relay this story is to exemplify the fact that WE ALL HAVE A STORY. One we wish to share.  One that has changed us forever and molded us into who we are today. And these stories should be acknowledged, celebrated even. We are lucky to be alive, let alone live through the bad and the ugly. Because as we often hear, it's from those times we learn and grow the most.
Eckhart Tolle quote

I absolutely LOVE this quote.  Because sometimes, just like the rest of the human race, I have really bad days.  I get SO down on myself, thinking I can't believe I ever did that, I'm so rude, I'm so dumb...blahblahblah. Whatever.  It goes on.  But then I stop and think, hold up, without all that history, who would I be?  Like, really, who would I be? I understand people, I get their stories.  I can relate with the 'girl next door' and the 'nerds'. I know what it feels like to struggle, to thrive, to hurt, to love, to hate, and to forgive. And that's a true blessing.  I can't hate where I've been, not for two seconds, not when I think about all I've become because of it.  And I hope I'm not the only one who stops to think about this. I really hope this is something we all do.  I bet it is...but let me ramble anyway;)

"Let no man pull you low enough to hate him." -- Martin Luther King Jr.
"Let no man pull you low enough to hate him". Hmm...well that's definitely a lot easier said than done.  I doubt very many people refrain from hating someone simply because it's in our best interest not to. Its not new news to  hear that harboring hate is one of the most self destructive pursuits we can engage in.  Too damn bad it's so easy to do...I so wish that hating someone or something would make it all better.  Make it, or them, change to eleviate my hatred. But the fact remains, it wont. They wont. Nothing changes. So you continue to hate.  And by hating, your wounds continue to fester. So how do we fix ourselves without changing them? Well, I sure as heck don't have the perfect answer for that question. But I can tell you what I do. However,before I do, I need to share this next quote.

need to be this and see this more often

"To be a christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you".  .  .  .  .

Do ya feel like you just got hit by a ton of bricks?

Mind blowing I know.

Atleast it was for me.

I'm not kidding when I say I read this and thought.  Holy Crap.  Who the heck do I think I am? Who am I not to forgive those who have wronged me?  When I have wronged more people than I care to think about. And when God himself has forgiven me for the worst of sins.  For the 'Inexcusable In Me'. I have no right.  It is my God-given RESPONSIBILITY to forgive ANYTHING.  And that IS.SO.HARD. My gosh it's so hard.  But that's what I do.  Well, TRY to do.  And that's all I can do.  I can't change them.  I can't change it.  So I forgive.  My only option really.

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time there was a girl. A girl so unconcerned with her High School career and SO concerned with her boyfriend.  The man of her dreams, the one she thought, she'd be with forever.  The one she fell so in love with, so, so young. This girl truly believed she had found her soul mate. They did everything together.  Everything.  They had the same friends, same interests.  They laughed together, worked together, hurt together, disclosed all their secrets to each other. They were living a fairy tale . . . for over two years. . . that's a long time when you're so young...

So you can imagine her pain, her sadness, her absolute despair when her worst nightmare became their reality.  And his too. She knew he was hurting too. Their hearts, their lives, their whole universe was shattered.  In a matter of minutes.

There was no happily ever after for this girl.  Not with him anyway. Which is good.

But no, she'll never forget it.

I, ShaNae McCleskey, will never forget it.

I will never forget the pain I felt losing not only my daughter, but my best friend.  I have never felt so betrayed, neglected, and un-loved in my entire life.  I blamed myself for the.longest.time.  But I also HATED him for it.  That hate drove me to do A LOT of stupid, self destructive things.  I didn't know how to move past it. I didn't know how to forgive someone I loved for dealing with our situation in a way I didn't, and couldn't, ever understand.

And I can honestly say, I'm still learning.  I just know it's something I have to do.  Will do.  Not for his sake, but for mine. I want to do it.  With all my heart I want to let it ALL go, every ounce of the hate.  But like I said, so much easier said than done.  Even after three years...

Let me clarify also by saying, this isn't a bash.the.birthfather. post.  He did what he had to do.  And the consequences of that have led me to embark on one of hardest journeys of my life.  And that's the path to true, total, and complete forgiveness.

And that takes me back to what I wrote about in the beginning of this blog post.  Healing takes time.  And a different amount of time for every person.  So how dare I tell my friend amidst her parents divorce to just 'get over it'.  And how dare I tell myself that either.  It's not possible to 'just get over' something that has affected you so deeply.  So permanently.  So I think I write this post more as a declaration to myself than anything else.  Because I've been pushing some feelings back for over a year now.  I wanted them to be gone, so I convinced myself they were.  Well, surprise, they're not.  And that's only because I have yet to forgive 100%. If I had, it wouldn't matter anymore.  Nothing would phase me.  So, I'm hashing this out.  Once more. But this time I aint stoppin till I'm finished.

I need to finish this.  Forever.  I'm beyond ready to move past these debilitating emotions.  I hate admitting to myself that ya, I'm kind of a hot mess sometimes. Behind closed doors, when no one's watching.  Cause I'm the kind of person that doesn't ever wanna be a hot mess. In public OR behind closed doors.  So, I'm doing it.  I'm going to figure this out.  I'm going to forgive the inexcusable because God forgave the inexcusable in me.

Two Roads...

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