Well, I've had several people ask me if I'd please write an update since I don't answer phone calls yet...sorry everyone. It's a hard time and I just wouldn't quite know what to say yet. I do however, REALLY appreciate everyone's love, concern, and prayers. It means the world to have such a huge support system. Thank you.
Ok, well, as you can imagine, adjusting to this new life style is extremely difficult. I often find myself at a loss with myself. All you mothers out there can understand when I say, that having a child brings with it natural, motherly instincts. I have motivation for one thing, and that one thing is impossible for me to do. The only motivation I have left in me is to be caring for something...for someone. But I can't do that, and that's something that with time, I'm going to learn to accept. Everything inside of me is telling me I should be exhausted due to late nights with a baby, not because I spent the whole night crying. The fact is, what I'm going through just isn't "natural". It's not natural to be torn from your other half. I willingly placed Sophie for adoption, so it makes my adjustment even more difficult. How do I mean? I mean, that placing Sophie was a type of loss. When someone you love dies, that's a loss. But death happens whether we WILL it or not. This adoption happened because I willed it and now I'm having to learn to accept my decision and move on. Basically what I'm trying to say, is I'm experiencing a loss that took place because of my own decisions, so I have to accept that. In order to do that I constantly remind myself of why I did it, and why it's right.
Grieving takes time and as well all know there are certain stages. Anger, denial, acceptance, etc. I find myself reaching every stage throughout each day. Some times I'm mad because I'm hurting, sometimes I'm just plain depressed, and some times I'm at total peace. It changes, and that's normal. I don't want anyone to think that I regret placing Sophie for adoption. I would NEVER take it back. She has everything I've ever dreamed for her and I am being taken care of as well. Adoption is just hard. Simple as that. And I have every right to grieve in the ways that will make it possible for me to heal.
I've had people ask me what the hardest thing about adoption is. I tell them two things. First, the fact that my relationship with my daughter is in someone else's hands. And second, the fact that I can never REALLY tell my adoptive couple how I feel. BUT THAT'S OK. Why? Because in adoptions, the adoptive couple has every right to feel joy, love, excitement, happiness, etc. And how can they possibly do that if they're constantly reminded of how they're joy is coming at someone else's expense? I put myself in their shoes and know what I would and wouldn't want to hear from my birth mom, and that's how I govern myself with the Mathesons.
Anyway, that's the jist of it. I'm doing as well as can be expected. I've seen Sophie three times since placement, and I get to see her tomorrow. yay!:) Some days are harder than others. But if I could name one thing that gets me through those harder days, it's Heavenly Father. It's prayer. Well, and my amazing parents...and sometimes a big bowl of ice cream;)