AGH!

Alright, we all have our ways of coping right? Well, one of my favorites and most effective is blogging. I guess you don't have to read my blog if you don't want to, if you find it disturbing haha. It is my on line journal however, so logically I'd fill it with my thoughts and feelings, good and bad. I do apologize in advance however, because this is one of those "bad" times.

It has been 3 weeks since I had Sophie, two and half since placing her. She has already grown up so much, it is amazing how much progress baby's make just within the first month! I feel like I'm missing out, and in all reality, I am. It's coming to terms with that that I'm struggling with. She's so much more alert now compared to the last time I saw her! The Mathesons do the best they can to keep me updated and informed, so why is it that I still feel left in the dark? No one knows...and I am so sick of it. I can't eat. I can't sleep. Crying is apparently my new favorite past time. I want this to stop. And from what I've learned through other birth moms, it will. I just need to give it time and have patience. Heck, it's only been 2 1/2 weeks! Seems like a life time though...I am so frustrated. I am doing all the right things: going to church, going to institute, praying, reading my scriptures, building my testimony, DOING MY PART. So why is it that I am still unhappy? I pray for happiness every night. I guess I haven't earned it yet? Because I can think of no other explanation.

Ugh, I could blab forever. And I apologize for puting a damper on the mood, but I needed to vent, and vent honestly. I am very obviously going through a difficult, bitter stage. I just pray it doesn't last much longer.