Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Learning How To Forgive

Hate. I had never fully understood the meaning of that word until about 9 months ago. I had never known what it felt like to truly hate someone. Even worse, I had never known what it felt like to hate myself. I hated myself for what I'd done. I hated myself for letting everyone down. The feelings grew stronger and deeper every day of my pregnancy. And not only did I hate myself, I hated the birth father too. I understand now, why such feelings can only come from the Devil himself. They are destructive and menacing. I suffered months of anguish at the bottom of a hole. A dark, hopeless hole. At times, I would find enough strength to stand up and look for the light, but those moments were rare and often very short. I couldn't seem to find the inner strength I needed to love myself again. We all know that in order to love, you must first love yourself. I knew that the people around me, the people I loved most, were suffering too. And that I was hurting them through my words and my actions. It took my a while, but eventually, with the help of simple things like prayer, scripture study, and church attendance I developed my own personal testimony and I started to love myself again. And by love myself, I mean learning to respect myself and accept who I am. I know I'm on a good path. One that I'm trying ever so hard hold on to. I've found my "happy place" you could say, I know where to find peace. It's not through unrealistic, fake relationships. It's through service and TRUE love. I am just barely ending the process of forgiving myself. And oh my what a burden to be lifted! It's the best feeling in the world. But now, I'm beginning my journey to forgive Sophie's birth father. It's just as hard, if not harder. Like I said, I've never felt REAL hatred before. And it's not an emotion that comes equipped with a light switch. You can't just stop hating someone when they've wronged you and turn off your anger. It takes time, and it takes effort. I'm starting on a difficult path, but I'll finish some day. I need to. For me. It hurts no one but myself to harvest such hard, angry feelings. I pray every single night for the birth father. I pray that he will realize his full potential and change into the man I know he can become. I pray that he will realize the reality of this situation and take responsibility for his part. I can't make him do anything, all I can do is pray. And I pray to know how to forgive him, to let go of my anger and move on. I'm trying, and I'll keep trying 'till I get there.

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