Checking off Year One

Hello All, and good morning. It's been awhile I know. I've been thinking long and hard about what to write. Finally, I've decided to write about what I've been experiencing the past few weeks as we draw closer and closer to Sophie's first birthday. . .

Throughout the past few years I've had the opportunity to meet several wonderful birth mothers; each blessed with their own unique adoption experience. Some have shared mixed emotions about their child's first birthday, for some it was hard, for some it was easy. For me, it's something i can't describe with any one word. On June 1st, at 9:08 p.m. it will be the exact year anniversary of the moment Sophie ShaNae Matheson was born. It's almost surreal to think about, and feels almost as if the entire event took place in another dimension. Every now and then I drive past the hospital in Murray where it all took place, and I look at it with a disconnected sense of familiarity. In other words, I know my life changed in a room there on the third floor, but it's as if the memory has been faintly painted over. Whether that's a blessing from God or my subconscious attempting to avoid the pain associated with said memory, i'll never know. What I do know is, no matter the emotions I experienced those three days in the hospital, it was unlike anything I've ever been through, and it will never fully leave me.

As I draw nearer to Sophie's first birthday I've tried to write, journal, and scrap book every moment with/about her that has taken place over the past 12 months. I feel as if I'm almost scrambling to solidify every memory with her so as to never lose it. I want to remember everything. I want all those special moments to be in solid form so she can look at them with me someday and I can describe every detail shown within the pictures. I know she may never understand how much she means to me, how can she? But that won't stop me from telling her a million times over how much I love her and how special she is to so many people.

Sophie will be celebrating her first birthday at my house this year, on the Fourth, with a BBQ, cake, and gifts. My family and I couldn't be more excited to celebrate this time with her and her family. I'm looking forward to watching her destroy her first birthday cake, ripping open gifts (with the help of her older brothers of course:)), and soaking in more attention than a one year old should be able to handle. I can't wait to post new pictures so all can see how much she's grown and how beautiful she's become. I love her with all my heart, and seeing her learn and grow with that baby-tooth smile on her face has made all the pain I experienced through placing her, seem more than worth it. I look at the past year with a sense of accomplishment and pure gratitude; hoping for only better with the future and years to come. Perhaps I'll feel a sting of sadness on her first birthday, knowing that though I've been a part of so much, I've missed even more. But that's because I'm not her mom. I'm not her brother, and I'm not her father. And that's what happens when you choose adoption. I know that, and I acknowledge this fact, but I'll let myself cry, because at least then I know I'm alive and normal.

The past week or so I've been re-reading all my pregnancy journals and blog posts. I almost figure this year mark is the perfect time to cleanse myself, emotionally speaking. So, call me crazy, but I've been TRYING to make myself remember all the pain, joy, heart ache, and love. I want to cry, I want to laugh, I want to feel it all again so I can REMEMBER. The past year I've been so busy going to college and working full time that I never really faced what I was feeling. And now that I'm out of school for the summer, and I don't work as much, I realize this is the time to work on ME. To make sure I'm OKAY before I head back into reality with a new home, roommates, harder classes, and a different job. So, that being said, I'd like to re-post part of an old blog post I wrote describing Sophie's placement. After all, it was the single most defining moment of my life. As I signed away my rights on June 4th, 2010 at 5:00 p.m. my dad turned to me with tears in his eyes and said, "That's the most selfless thing I've ever seen anyone do." Perhaps I couldn't embrace that fact at the time, but I do now, and I've never been more proud of myself then I am on this year anniversary as I look back and see what I was able to give Sophie by placing her with the family hand picked by God, chosen through me.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Sophie ShaNae Matheson

"...I was in the hospital for three days. By noon on Friday, I was released. Once home, I was able to spend a few hours with Sophie before heading to the adoption placement. We took a nap, curled up on my parents bed, and then woke to bathe and get dressed. 5:00 p.m. was our scheduled time to meet at LDS Family Services and do placement. We arrived on time and while I was signing paper work, Sophie's birth father was in another room with Sophie and the Mathesons, saying his goodbyes. Once that was over, my parents, Sophie, and I met with the Mathesons in what they call the "group room". We exchanged gifts and spent some time together talking, exchanging memories. Then, I asked to have some alone time with Sophie. Everyone (meaning Troy, Rebecca, my mom and dad, and our case workers) left the room while I shared some final moments with Sophie. I talked to her, I prayed for strength, and I fed her a bottle. After about 20 minutes I was ready to go. I felt like I was dragging out the pain. So I called them back in and I handed Sophie to Rebecca, exchanged tight hugs, and left. And that was it. Sophie was gone.

I had spent the past 9 months preparing for that final moment. The moment when I'd literally have to say goodbye and relinquish my parental rights. Well, I can tell you that no amount of counseling could have prepared me for the real thing. It was the most heart breaking moment of my life. Living through that first night without Sophie was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My arms literally ached to hold her in my arms. The memories of her sweet little face and her big beautiful eyes looking up at me caused me so much emotional pain that it actually became physical. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't function. I barely made it through that first night. I was screaming out prayers to just make it through with out going insane. It's only been two days now, and it's still extremely hard, but I can already feel Heavenly Father easing my pain. I know that the pain will never fully leave me, but I do know that it will fade to a point where I can start to live again...this whole thing has been really hard for not only me, but my family as well. It's been an amazing, hard journey for all of us.

I want everyone to know how much the Mathesons mean to me. The adoption itself was/is extremely agonizing and painful, but the Mathesons have made it 100 times easier. They have opened their hearts and arms to me and my family. They text me pictures of Sophie every few hours just to reassure me that she's alive and safe. They allow me any kind of contact I need to fully heal from this experience, and not just me, but my family as well. They have become another branch to our family...She's my little angel, my most precious gift. I have entrusted her to a family that can offer her more than I ever could. I've heard several other birth moms say that their adoptions were made easier because they felt like they were carrying some one else's baby. Well, I never felt like that. I have always felt like Sophie was my daughter, fully and completely, and that I was her mother. And THAT is why I had to make the choice. The choice that no one else could that would determine the quality of her future. As her mother, I had to choose what was best, since she lacked the ability to choose for herself. I know that I love Sophie with all my heart. I have never experienced this kind of love before now. It is incredible. And it is because I love her that I was able to let her go. I put her needs before my own, and though extremely painful and heart breaking, it was right. And I know I'll be blessed for it. I can't wait to create more and more memories with her throughout her life. I am so blessed to even have that choice. Thank you Troy and Rebecca. Thank you for taking such good care of her, and me."

And that's that. I'm moving forward with my life, without forgetting all I've experienced and everyone that's blessed my life. I look up to so many others who have placed a child for adoption and painted beautiful futures for themselves. Life is hard and we all go through hard things, it's how we over come them and come out of them that matters. So, have I done the best I can with what I had throughout year one? Check:)

Q&A for a Birth Mom

So today as I was browsing through some blogs I came upon one written by a birth mother friend of mine. She did a Q&A post that I thought was extremely interesting and helpful. I hope she doesn't mind me copying the questions, but be sure I did not copy the answers:) these are my own thoughts and experiences. And this past year I've been going around to different high schools doing adoption presentations for the Utah Adoption Council and I have been asked every single one of these questions by high school students curious to learn more. anyway, i'll get on with it now, my answers to some birth mother questions:)

1.What emotions did you experience when you initially found out about the pregnancy?

Fear. Anger. Sadness. Uncertainty. But mostly Fear. I was so young and so unprepared to raise a child. I knew right away I was going to have to look into all my options and get the support of my family. I think telling my parents was the hardest part. Every time I think about that moment I still feel sick and I start to shake, reminiscent of the way I felt during that petrifying moment. I also remember the exact moment I looked down at that stick and saw that much unwanted plus sign. To be honest, I threw up, and couldn't control my shaking hands and legs. I walked out of the bathroom to look the birth father in the eye and that's when I knew he wasn't ready either. The look on his face read, "CRAP." Long story short, he didn't stick around long because he didn't know how to handle the situation. The emotions that came with that type of abandonment were awful, heartbreaking. I had never felt so alone in my life, a feeling which lasted the whole nine months.

2. Did you plan for single-parenting or marriage?

Neither. Well for the most part. I definitely thought about single parenting several times but never felt right about it and knew I couldn't provide everything two parents could. As for marriage, it wasn't even an option. The birth father and I were not at a place in our relationship where that would have worked out. We didn't have the money, the jobs, or most importantly the love. We weren't in love. And that's key to any marriage.

3. Why did you consider adoption? Did you consider abortion as an option?

Because adoption held the answers to all my fears. I wanted Sophie to be sealed to two parents, and have a family that could give her everything I couldn't. That was the main reason I considered adoption. There was no way I could support a baby seeing as I didn't even have enough money for myself. My family was in no way financially prepared to help raise my daughter either. I would have had to find a place to stay and I would have had to worked full time, never being home with my daughter. With adoption, I was able to pick the perfect family for Sophie. One that was excellent at teaching their children gospel principles, one that was financially stable, and one with younger kids and a stay at home mom. It pains me to say abortion was my first option. AND FOR ONLY ONE REASON. I had been told by my doctors for years that if I was to get pregnant, the risk of dying during labor and delivery would be huge (due to pre-existing medical conditions). So, I had to consider abortion. Was I willing to risk my life for a baby I wasn't going to raise? Yes. Even after months of "You need to value your life and consider abortion ShaNae" from my doctors and OBGYN, I stuck with yes. I couldn't do it. I could never live with myself if I knew I had taken a human life.

4. What were your major concerns when considering adoption?

If I was ever going to see my daughter again. If I was going to find the right family and especially, if I could go through with it. Adoption is hard, there's no sugar coating it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and probably ever will do. It took months of emotional preparation and counseling which still wasn't enough for the moment I relinquished my rights and placed her in the arms of another. I was scared I'd find a family that looked perfect on the outside but would break all their promises for an open adoption once the papers were signed. I didn't want to be left in the dust, I wanted a family that would be open and honest with me for the rest of our lives; a family I could learn to love and be a part of. Thankfully, I found that with the Mathesons and now, i always miss them just as much as I miss Sophie.

5. Did you have any specifications when searching for your adoptive couple?

DEFINITELY. I wanted them to be LDS. I wanted them to be financially stable (this was so important to me because my family never was, and I didn't want that for my daughter). I wanted them to have at least one other child. And I wanted the mother to be stay at home (something else I never had). Those were the most important stipulations, though I wasn't close minded to families who didn't fit the criteria:) I was really open to just about anything, I knew that my Heavenly Father would guide me to the right family no matter who they were.

6. How long into the pregnancy did you wait before selecting a couple?

I found the Mathesons when I had seven weeks left of my pregnancy. I believe it was April 8th that I announced that they were expecting and Sophie was born June 1st. I started looking for couples though, when I was only two months pregnant.

7. Looking at the way your birth child is being raised, are there any parenting practices you disagree with? Or value differences?

No. And that's because I chose them to be her parents. That means trusting them to do what's right. I support whatever they choose to do as her parents. That's my place as her birth mother. And to be honest, from what I've seen, they're better parents then I could have ever imagined in the beginning.

8. Is there anything you would change about your current placement?

Heck no. I am taken care of, my family's taken care of, and most importantly, Sophie is taken care of. With the placement situation we have, it's a win for everybody, and that's how it should be.

9. How do you feel about the adoptive parents? Is the relationship open/closed? Would you change the current arrangement?

I love them, more than words can describe. They were the answer to my prayers. They are my dear friends and really, they're just like family. The relationship is very open, we base it off trust and honesty. If one of us has a problem with the other, we voice it, diplomatically of course:) and there's never any harm done, only an increase in respect. I wouldn't change anything about the arrangement we have. Well, perhaps I'd make our lives a bit less stressful so Rebecca and I could hang out more haha but other than that, i've been so blessed.

10. How was your family effected by the adoption?

Oh jeez...More than I wanted. It was the hardest thing to watch them feel any kind of pain relating to the adoption. Sophie was my parent's first grandchild, my sibling's first niece. They hurt too. They tried as best they could to be strong for me but sometimes it was hard. The worst part, was watching my mom try to mask her pain. She cried with me on more than one occasion, which I preferred to having her hide it. they were all very supportive and they have all fallen in love with the Mathesons just as much as I have. It has meant the world to me to have them on board with my decision.

11. Do you want to have more children?

HEAVENS YES. I would be devastated to find out I couldn't. But if that does happen, because it does, I would definitely look into adoption. I want to raise a family of my own someday when the timing is right.

12. How would you feel if you were unable to conceive again? Would you consider adopting?

Oops, just answered this. I would be heart broken if I couldn't conceive again. Just like any other adoptive couple. I'm sure it's one of the hardest trials to go through, not being able to have kids, but thank goodness there are other ways to start families. But yes, if that were to happen, I would most definitely consider adoption.

Well, that's the end of my little Q&A. Till next time!

Bitter Sweet

It's coming up on the year mark and I'm feeling as anxious as ever. Every day i find myself reminiscing over memories of the past two years, feeling awe struck at all I've seen and been through, not to mention all I've learned and how I've grown. As I think of those lovely nine months of pregnancy I feel as if it happened centuries ago, in another lifetime. I feel detached from the whole event in my mind and I don't quite know how to explain it. It's as if it all, the pregnancy and the birth, happened to someone else. And perhaps it's because I no longer have Sophie, she's being cared for by another family. Therefore, I am not presented with the every day, 24/7 task of aiding her growth. I was in that position for only a very short time, and can hardly remember how it felt to be her actual care giving mother. I do, however, know without a shadow of a doubt that I LOVED it. I LOVED every second of it, and would do it over and over again if I could. I miss it all the time and treasure every moment I get to perform those motherly tasks for her i.e. change a diaper or feed a bottle.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and do things differently. Not everything, just some things. For example, I would have exercised more so I wouldn't have all this extra baby baggage to carry around. ha! or perhaps I would have found a part time job despite my doctor's recommendations. And mostly, I would have done things differently with Sophie's birth father. Everything else I'd keep the same:) Troy and Rebecca, my spiritual growth, all the homemaking skills I acquired, the bonding time I spent with my dad, and so on. I try not to focus on this though. I can't stand living with regrets and like they say, "a life full of regrets is not a life at all". Or do they say that...I don't know. I just know I did what I thought was best when I thought was best and things turned out just great.

I still can't believe Sophie is almost one. she's crawling, she's got teeth, she's as bright and beautiful as ever. Her hair is blonde (with a hint of strawberry:)) and she's got color-changing eyes. I marvel at her every time I see her. I love her family, I love watching them interact with her. Each time I watch them together I hear a little voice in my head telling me, "What could be more perfect than this?"

So, my brother gets home from his mission in two days. And as you can guess, he missed everything. The pregnancy, the birth, the adoption. So we have a lot to catch up on to say the least, and I'm more than excited to watch him meet Sophie and her family for the first time. It's going to be like Christmas:) Anyways, because he's coming home my family and I have been doing a lot of cleaning and refurnishing. As my sister and I were cleaning our room I found a piece of paper my dad had typed up and printed off for me and Sophie's birth father the day after we told my parents I was pregnant. I started to get teary eyed as I read it, remembering the way my dad had calmly presented us with this list, explaining to us the importance of moving forward. This is what the paper looks says:

29 September 2009

Moving Forward

1. Forgive and repent
2. Meet with the bishop as soon as possible and follow his counsel
3. Listen attentively and prayerfully to all conference talks this weekend :
Saturday: 10-noon, 2-4, Priesthood 6-8
Sunday: 10-noon, 2-4
4. Stay close to the Lord and learn to live by the Spirit. Keep a prayer in your heart at all times
5. Feeling remorse is an essential part of repentance. Fear is not. Fear is from Satan. Have the faith that if you repent, you'll make it. If you act correctly on that faith, then you'll have hope for eternal life. Then when you have that hope, you'll have charity towards all men and want them to have the same faith and hope as well.
6. Have personal scriptures and prayers every morning before leaving your room.
7. Attend institute every week--Wednesdays I think
8. Attend your meetings every week
9. You may not have duties for a while, but when you do, attend to them quickly
10. Pay an honest tithing--pay it first thing every pay check
11. Make things right, but don't be afraid
12. Always tell the truth, no matter how difficult
13. Work a full day every day
14. Study everyday until your GED/diploma is completed or you graduate
15. Decide what you want to become, set goals to get there, and work towards it every day
16. Don't accept other people's put downs--they're wrong and you don't deserve them
17. Every member is a missionary--all the time--even those who don't have the opportunity to go full time until they're older
18. Get your Patriarchal Blessing--read it every day for a year, then at least once a week for the rest of your life (this was for Sophie's birth father, I'd already received mine)
19. Get through the repentance process and get temple worthy
20. Attend the temple weekly for the rest of your life.
21. Be kind and have a constant spirit of gratitude
22. Learn from your experiences, they will help you grown and you can bless others
23. Know you have friends that pray for you and are counting on you to do much good
24. Know your Heavenly Father loves you
25. Know that sins can be forgiven and, "though they be as scarlet, become as white as snow" through repentance and the atonement.
26. Know repentance won't be easy, but it'll be worth it.
27. Always serve others and be generous
28. Be grateful for life, for the atonement, for opportunities, for a loving Heavenly Father who knows you, loves you, and has put you here to succeed and to help others.

You'll make it. Scott

Wow...I know it's quite the list. But believe me when I say I stared at this list every day during my pregnancy, and even after. It meant so much to me for my dad to immediately offer these guidelines to us. I have the most incredible parents. They never put me down or scorned me for my decisions. They only watched me make choices learn from my mistakes, offering support when I needed it. They are who I want to be when I grow up.

And to this day, I know Sophie's birth father carries that paper with him in his wallet, hoping that some day he can finally confront my parents again with each and every item checked off the list. I have faith it can happen and I truly hope it does. One of the biggest hurdles I over came this past year was forgiving him. I still don't trust him completely, but I've learned to hand my anger, frustration, and pain over to the Lord, because He is the one person who knows what to do with it. and those emotions weren't just a result of the way Sophie's birth father treated me, they stemmed form my own personal guilt as well. I had to forgive myself, which proved to be even harder than forgiving him.

Just over a year ago, I had my first face to face with Troy and Rebecca. We had seven weeks to build the relationship we have now before Sophie was born. We did it! and we had some good times. Though this next month is going to be bitter sweet, I'm so excited to be a part of the celebration.

Happy One Year Anniversary Soph!!!!!!:) I love you.

LiFe As wE kNow IT

I believe the hardest part to being a young adult is learning who you are, what you stand for, and what you want in life. It's at this time, items such as these become critical. We're ready to start our own lives, begin families, and move forward with our careers. and the truth is this: IT'S SCARY.

the past couple months have been a struggle only because I was ignoring waht truly matters. To make things easier, and outline what I believe is most important, I decided to make a list:

THINGS THAT MATTER MOST TO ME

FRIENDSHIP
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD
SCHOOL
WORK
FINANCIAL STABILITY
PROGRESSION
MY HAPPINESS
MY FAMILY
THE WAY I TREAT OTHERS
MY RELIGION
THE ADOPTION
SERVICE

As I looked over my list (this was a few months ago when I WANTED these to matter most to me, but wasn't quite there yet) I realized my day to day life focused on a mere...eh...25% of those. Mostly money, work, and school. those are all important things, don't get me wrong, but there comes a time when a person like me needs to let herself go a little; make time for the three F's, Friends, Family, and Fun. But ALSO put God at the center of my life. So, a few days later I started to consciously work at the small things I know will make me happy. I even started reading this book be Steven Covey called The Divine Center. It's amazing and I recommend it to anyone.

I want to be the person who works hard at school and in her job, but makes time for herself and for her relationship with her Heavenly Father. Back when I was pregnant, I was SO close to Him. I've drifted ever since and I hate it, I want to go back. So that's what I'm working on.
I'm also working on surrounding myself with the right kind of people. Some of the people in my life are turning out to be negative influences. They bring me down in more ways than one and as my confidence grows, I'm realizing how unimportant it is to hold on to these relationships. I think that if I want to attract good people, who put right things first, I need to be that person too.

As far as the fun goes, a good guy friend of mine and I decided to put together a SUMMER BUCKET LIST. best idea we've ever had by far. we're both super stoked to cross every item off even as we continue to add more. I hope it will make up for lost time and guarantee myself a bit of the fun I always tell myself I cant have due to the demands of school and work.

OUR SUMMER BUCKET LIST
created by Spenser and ShaNae:)

*Fight Spenser
*win (these were my first two items, and you can be sure they'll happen;))
*Weekend road trip to st. george
*weeked toad trip to vegas
*weekend road trip to Idaho (that's for me, visiting my friends at BYUI)
*Fishing!
*boating, canoeing, tubing
*tubing down the provo river (even though I almost die every time)
*Long board down provo canyon (every day!)
*CALIFORNIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*save $2,000
*Camping trip, man style
*ride a horse
*go to a carnival
*learn songs on the guitar
*finish my quilt (obviously for me, but i'm sure spens wouldn't mind trying it out ha!)
*go to some of the dances in SLC!
*Hike Timpanogas
*Rock climb like a crazy person!
*go to Mesa Verde
*visit as many Utah landmarks as possible
*BLANDING!!!!
*play chug and don't lose
*eat a massive burger
*BBQ AND BONFIRE

well, there ya have it, our bucket list:) And i'm sure it will grow, but we're determined to do everything on that darn list!!!!!!!! We're young and these are the years to live it up (in a good way) because soon we'll be married with families of our own, and how many couples with kids can up and drive to california on any given weekend? ya...doesn't happen. SO! as excited as i am to have a family of my own someday, I am finally realizing that i'm running out of time to finish 'my list'. Let's get it started!

Food For Thought...

As a birth mom I experience certain fears facing my own adoption story. It's natural, and it's okay. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Sophie, how she's doing, what she's feeling, how her family is, and especially...if she misses me. Obviously that's kind of an irrelevant question at this time in her life, but part of me wonders if she knows who I am, even at her infant state.

Very soon after placing Sophie, not even a week if I remember right, I received another heart felt email from Rebecca giving me an update. One thing she said in that email will never leave me. It hit me with such force that I broke into tears and cried uncontrollably for hours. She said, "Today Caleb was standing next to me while I was holding Sophie and as he was stroking her head he said, 'Mom, I think hers misses ShaNae.'" My heart burst with so many emotions I couldn't help but let it all out. I had not even stopped to think before that moment that she might actually miss me. It hurt so much but at the same time, it made me feel complete and utter peace at the thought of her missing me, even if it wasn't anywhere near how much I missed her.

Anyway, one of my biggest fears as a birth mother is that at one point in her life, Sophie will want nothing to do with me. If someone wanted to kill me, they would make sure that happened. It's one of the WORST things that can happen to a birth mom, and thankfully, it rarely happens within open adoptions. From what I've heard, an adoptee chooses to disassociate himself/herself from their birth family if and only if the birth parent is dysfunctional or a possible threat. Thankfully I'm neither:) And I don't ever plan on changing that. But still, I can't help but ask myself those haunting questions like "what if she doesn't like me?" "what if she hates the fact that she came from me?" and worst of all "What if she doesn't love me?" I believe time will tell whether or not my fears are justified. However, even now, deep down, I know they're irrational. Why? Because Sophie has the most amazing parents. Parents who are open and secure about where she came from. Her mom always says, "Adoption is awkward only if you make it awkward. We don't make it awkward. In our home, if you're adopted, you're cool:)"

I found this quote from an adoptee and I loved it because I hope that one day, when something like this happens to Sophie, she feels she can react in the same way:

"One day while I was hanging out with one of my friends the topic of our parents came up. My friend always knew that I was adopted through open adoption but we had never discussed it. I guess on this particular day he was feeling rather brave and launched into a slew of question, like do I see my birthmom, and, how often. You could tell that he was relieved that I felt so comfortable talking with him about it. Then he asked me, between my adoptive parents and my birthpartents which did I feel were my "REAL" parents. I was sort of surprised by what seemed should be the obvious answer. I told him, hey, they're both my "REAL" parents"

The reason I like this quote so much is because the boy was comfortable and secure with his situation, who he was, and where he came from. Not once do I want Sophie to question why I did what I did and whether or not I love her. If someone were to ask her, "Why did your birthmom give you up for adoption, didn't she love you?" I hope she says, "First of all, she didn't 'give me up', she placed me, and second of all, that's WHY she placed me, because she LOVES me." That would give me more closure than anything in the world, to hear that she reacted that way to a question like that. It's not that I question my decision, I just don't want HER to question my decision. I understand there may be times in her life when she'll have questions, that's totally expected, but it is my hope that either her parents or I can answer them.

Last night I was on the phone with a friend. He is very dear to me and he's an amazing guy, but he doesn't understand why I chose adoption. And that's ok. I like hearing his point of view. But after our conversation, I sat on my couch and thought for awhile. I wanted to come up with a solid list of reasons I could recite to any individual that asked me, not just why I chose adoption, but why the couple I chose chooses to let me see my daughter and be a part of her life. I had never been asked that question until last night and it took me by surprise. I know why Troy and Becca let me in, but I didn't know how to explain it to someone on the other end of a phone line.

So, after mulling over several conversations I've had with adoptive couples, including my own, I came up with a list of reasons why they choose open adoption. The list below is almost identical to mine, but better worded, so I'm using it instead.

Five Reasons Adoptive Couples Choose Open Adoption:

* When she looks in the mirror, we want our daughter to know herself. It's hard to face the world when you don't know where your face came from.

* We didn't want our daughter to have the cabbage patch mentality. The truth is, her life didn't start the day we adopted her. Like us, her history and ours began a thousand lifetimes ago.

* We believe in a birthmother's right to choose, if she has the courage to place, she has the wisdom and right to choose her childs parents, she was our daughter's FIRST mother.

* We wanted to do a domestic open adoption so our daughter could know her birthfamily. Our daughters birthmother chose not to abort her, how could we abort our daughters birthmother from our lives.

* We both have family members and friends who are products of closed adoption. These people are still suffering the adverse effects that their denied birthright has caused them. We didn't want this for our daughter.

Now, believe me, I know there are people who don't agree with open adoption, or even adoption for that matter. But I do, and this is my story. I love being able to watch my daughter grow and learn. I love being able to tell her I love her. And I LOVE that her family and mine are close. How is there anything wrong with that?

Anyway, I know I have no reason to fear, but it's inevitable. I'm a birth mom haha and it's part of the package.

Till next time!:)

Owning Life's Experiences

One of my favorite quotes was first given to me by my high school French teacher. One day she walked into class and said, "I have a life lesson to teach you guys today. No French. Just this." The fact was our class was failing. Failing at what she had intended us to do from the very beginning. See, this teacher had a rule, NO a law, that you were to maintain once you stepped through her classroom door. The law was this: To be the BEST that YOU can be. Try harder then you've ever tried before. Challenge yourself. Let genius over power your mind and influence those around you.

See, my high school French teacher had years of experience to witness first hand the way students suppress their abilities and talents so the people around them are comfortable. Sound familiar? We all do it. And to be honest, I didn't realize how much we claim to be less than we are until I related the lesson to my own life. After all, anything out of the norm may be threatening and attract attention, and we wouldn't want that now would we?

FALSE.

Here's the part where I give you the quote:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are POWERFUL beyond measure, it is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't help the world. There's nothing enlightening about shrinking down so someone won't fell insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in ALL of us. and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give others permission to do the same as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson

I'll never forget the day my French teacher taught us that lesson, one of the most important lessons I'd ever learn. After reading that quote for the first time, I thought to myself, "Why do I pretend to be less when I know what I'm capable of?"

Well I can tell you I no longer engage in that state of mind. From that day forward I was all about owning what I do, who I am, and what I've been through. Which brings me to today's topic: Owning what I went through when I placed my child for adoption, and moving forward with the strength to know I can accomplish anything.

After placement, I didn't have the confidence to talk to someone over the phone, let alone face to face. It was HARD! I had just experienced something surreal and my confidence was at its lowest point. Why? Because I didn't know who I was, I assumed the world looked down on me with little expectations for my future, and not to mention I was stretched out and blubbery, but that's besides the point. It took my a long time to realize that I had done something GREAT. And to own that. To not let people think less of me because I had had a baby. I wanted the world to know what I was capable of. One day, a few weeks after placement, I was cleaning out my room. It was then that I came across the piece of card stock paper my teacher had given me with the quote printed down the front. I read it over and over and over again. I couldn't believe it. What was I hiding from? And why? Why should I care if someone disagreed with my decision?

I SHOULDN'T



Well the fact is this: I wasn't hiding just hiding from the world. I was hiding from me. I didn't feel like I was capable of anything anymore. I was broken. I had to go back to high school and remember what my teacher said. "Be the best the YOU can be." There I was, someone who could relate with millions of other people, thinking I had nothing to offer. I knew then what I could offer at that moment, to a number of people: EMPATHY. i started with that and moved up from there.

If you love someone unconditionally, and with your whole heart, than you will do what is best for them, not you...I have never learned a harder lesson that giving my child up for adoption and I probably never will. If I walk through the rest of my life exuding awkwardness whenever adoption is brought up, then people are going to think I'm insecure with my decision. I don't want that to happen. i want to OWN what I did, and be open to anything anyone has to say. I know I made the right choice and I want to use that decision to influence the lives of others.

If I believe I did something great then I'll be proud of my decision, for me and for Sophie. And I DO believe that, with all my heart, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I am ready to face the world now, after all these months, using my experiences as the basis for my individuality.

Till next time:)

Attaining the Ultimate Goal

Holy cow, hey world! I realize it's been way too long since I last posted anything. I'm hoping to delve into this blogging thing starting NOW. I want to put my words out there for anybody and everybody and I realize that takes effort a.k.a. constant posts and updates. So, for all you family members and loved ones out there who utilize this blog for the sole purpose of knowing what's up in my personal adoption story, here's a quick little update.

Sophie is 7 and 1/2 moths old!!!!!!! I CAN NOT believe it. Time has flown way way too fast and I wish Soph would stay baby forever:( But it is fun to watch her learn and grow each month, becoming more and more interactive. She still has beautiful strawberry blonde hair, she's super tall and thin, and we think she may end up having green eyes...it's still hard to tell. She loves avocados! She loves her food...what's new. And she grabs anything she can get her hands on. She's very serious and extremely intelligent and all too cute. A few weeks ago, Rebecca and I went to pick her up at a neighbor's house so we could all go out to lunch. We couldn't help but grin and laugh when we walked in to see Sophie being pulled around the house in a toy wagon by the cute little neighbor boy. It would be all to truthful to say that Sophie is so used to being waited on hand and foot that getting a free carriage ride was nothing out of the ordinary;)

On December 18th, Sophie was sealed in the temple and received all the eternal blessings that come with the sealing covenant. It was a day I will never forget, along with the following sunday, when she was blessed by her loving father Troy. At the temple, I had loads of support from friends and family. I was truly blessed to be there and feel of the sweet love our Heavenly Father has for our little Soph. I've heard some birth moms say the sealing day was extremely hard for them, for various reason. I can not say the same. It was the most amazing day of my life thus far and I would do it again and again just to feel the love I felt that day. As I was sitting out in the foyer waiting for the ceremony to convene, a beautiful young lady came up to me and asked me for my name. It took me a few seconds to realize who she was but when I did, my heart became so full of love for this young woman and I was overjoyed to finally meet her face to face. Her name is Erin. She is Sophie's brother Caleb's, birth mom. Having her there, and meeting her for the first time made that day all the more special. We sat and talked until Troy and Rebecca's family gradually made their wait out to the foyer. I hugged each person I could and shared happy tears with many. I was doing pretty good (a.k.a. I wasn't crying too bad) until I saw my own mother walk out. As she made her way over to me, her eyes filled with tears, I braced myself for anything she was about to say. As she hugged me she whispered in my ear, "You did it ShaNae. Job well done. You did it. Mission accomplished." That's when I LOST it. I start bawling and couldn't stop. My heart was so full of joy and peace and comfort that I couldn't help but give myself some credit for making it this far. After all, the sealing was MY NUMBER ONE REASON for choosing adoption. I knew there were angles in the room that day, I felt them, almost as if they were giving me a pat on the back. Now, I am not telling this story to receive divine praise, because all I did was place Sophie with the right family. THEY are the ones I love dearly for taking Sophie and being sealed to her. I could never express to them just how much that means to me.

As it came time for the Matheson's to come out of the temple, Erin and I stood next to each other, arm in arm. It was so wonderful to watch that beautiful family walk out in their temple clothes, with Rebecca holding Sophie in her BEAUTIFUL (thank you grandma Sharon!) white temple dress. All I could do was soak it all in, and hold that beautiful baby girl in my arms, thanking my Heavenly Father for the wonderful blessing she is in my life, and the life of MANY others.

Here are some of the pictures from the sealing day. Sophie is not happy in most of the pictures at the temple due to the hungry tummy she had.


The day of the blessing was so wonderful. My family was invited to attend a breakfast at the Matheson's home before the blessing. We were able to spend time with members from Troy and Rebecca's families, and here are some pictures from that day.



Now, here's a little thing about Troy. He has this extraordinary ability to make me cry. Never in a negative sense though. He is a spiritual giant, and every time he gets serious with me, or about a spiritual topic, I lose it, which was the exact case at the blessing. He gave Sophie a very special blessing and it brought tears to my eyes. After the blessing, Rand, being the extremely adorable, sensitive boy he is, saw my tears and immediately hopped off the bench to get Sophie and bring her back to me, hoping that I would stop crying. It was so darn cute, his thoughtfulness of me, and Caleb's birth mom Erin, never ceases and I just adore him.

I am so grateful to be a part of Sophie's life and to watch her learn and grow. I love her family as if they were my own and I can not stress enough just how much I KNOW I made the RIGHT decision. Sophie is happy, I'm happy, the Mathesons are happy, I see nothing wrong with that.

I'll be posting more soon, about various adoption- related topics, so until next time!