Oh how true that was. I could have continued my life of solitude after that summer of 'fixing' and been completely content. The only social interaction I had acquired for months was at my part time job, teaching at Dan Peterson's school for handicapped children. Which was AWESOME. Because in case you've never had the opportunity to be around those special people, you don't fully understand acceptance and purity. They loved me because I spent time with them, got to know them, LOVED them. And they loved me. Even on my bad days. BEST job I'd ever had besides the one I have now, because I now get to work at the residential home where most of my previous students reside. They were the perfect addition to clinical therapy I needed to re prioritize my life. And I still feel like they taught me WAY more than I could have ever taught them.
But, as the summer came to an end, and I registered for more classes at UVU it suddenly hit me. Oh Crap. In a couple weeks, I have to start socializing again. For a second it made me kinda nervous. I mean, at work none of the kids held expectations, they just took me for who and what I was. But would other people do that? I also wondered if I'd ever find 'that someone' who could do that. I believed in myself, felt normal again, and was in a good place. I just didn't know how a person would react to discovering my PAST, if I even ever got to that point with someone. Guess I'd find out soon enough, because I was moving out. Into an apartment with three other girls my age.
But before I made my move down to Orem, I received a message from one of my old friends on facebook. My BEST friend from the group I had so suddenly deserted. She was wanting to know what happened, how I was doing, and if I'd accept an apology. I was shocked to say the least. I didn't ever expect to hear from her, not like this anyway. But I wrote back, explaining to her very plainly why I left, leaving out all personal details, and then apologized myself. For anything I'd done to cause offense. So, we reconciled. And decided to start over as friends, because both parties believed we'd changed, and could provide a healthy friendship for the other person.
Anyway, she and I planned to get together sometime soon. And for some reason, I REALLY wanted to see Spenser again. So, I asked her if he was still around, if they still hung out from time to time. And turns out he was, and they did. And she was going to contact him to see if he'd be up for a night out with just she and I. It didn't take very long for her to get a response from him. And before I could change my mind, we all planned a night to get together and catch up. So, I anxiously waited for that night to come, and when it did, I made sure I looked GOOD. I had to impress! I hadn't seen them in MONTHS. And I felt a thousand times better, I wanted to look the part. So a couple hours before our planned time to meet I received a text message from my friend.
She had to cancel.
Seriously?!?!?!
And turns out, for a boy! Well, at least THAT part about her hadn't changed. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. When it came to sistas before mistas, she sucked. And would admit it too. So I don't feel bad saying it. But whatever. I was determined not to disappoint Spenser, or myself for that matter. So I messaged Spenser, telling him we had a change of plans and then gave him two options. Go ahead without our friend, just have it be us two. Or wait and do it another time. And I'm not sure to this day if he went with option one to be nice or if he really wanted it. I should ask...
Okay, so the plan was this: I was driving up to his house in Highland to pick him up and then we're going to grab a bite to eat. After that? Nothing. At least not that we had planned. So, I spritzed on some perfume, poofed the hair, and ran out the door. I was so excited! And so nervous! I couldn't even tell you why because I still didn't necessarily have romantic feelings for Spenser. I think it was just the fact it was my first 'real' social interaction in a long time, and I was excited about that! Look at me making baby steps! I was on a roll! And I had strong convictions to make this night a GREAT one.
As I drove up to his house, I blasted my favorite songs, like we all do when we need that extra 'boost'. And I thought about Spenser. I wondered if he looked different, if he'd still be his quiet, sweet, awkward self. If he'd be excited to see me...
Well, before I knew it I had arrived, parked my car, and was walking up the walkway to his front door. My.heart.was.beating.out.of.my.chest. I started to rethink my decision. I felt self-doubt creeping its way in. I didn't know how to talk to people! Especially handsome men who treated me like a princess! Holy crap, I was going to pass out. And just as I started to feel dizzy, the door opened and I lunged forward, wrapping my arms around his neck.
Okay, good one ShaNae. So awkward right? I practically threw myself at him.
And even in the moment I couldn't figure out if it was because I was excited or because I needed something to break my fall when I passed out. Looking back it was more the latter. I WAS excited, but I wouldn't have attacked him if I wasn't afraid of passing out or having him see that I was completely red in the face. Well, thank goodness Spenser possesses that 'nothingfazesme' personality. Because he hugged me back. A good, long hug;) And then smiled at me when I finally pushed away and said, "It's been so long. It's good to see you."
"It's so good to see you too! I've missed you!" Truth was, I did! I missed him, a lot! I missed his kindness, his witty one-liners. I just missed...him.
Then he said, "I know, me too. So, uh, where do you wanna go eat?"
Uh....oops. In all my nervousness I had eaten before I arrived. I wasn't hungry. But I wanted him to eat, so I let him choose. And he chose Rubio's.
So you would think it'd be so awkward to go out with someone and only one of you eats. Hey, don't mind me, while I just sit here for thirty minutes and stare at you publicly while you nom on dinner. Right? Well it wasn't awkward. At All. And I attribute that to my incessant amount of nervous chatter and his yet again, 'nothingfazesme' personality. I can't even remember what we talked about but I do know our conversation consisted of simple nods from him and a lot of storytelling from me.
When he finished, we sat there for a second. The night was still young! And neither of us wanted it to end. We needed to determine our next activity. At this point it was dark outside, but it was summer time. So it was warm. And I had enough energy to run a marathon.
So I said, "Hey, how about we go on a night hike! I know this great, short hike up battle creek canyon that leads to a waterfall and a great over look of the valley. We can go back to my house and get flashlights. What do you think!?"
He liked the idea. So, we ran back to my place, grabbed flashlights, water, and I even sneaked my small pocket knife in case we came across a wild bear or cougar. Not that it'd do much, but it made me feel better. Then we were on our way. We parked at the bottom of the trail and before we got started I made him aware of one thing. "Spenser, I don't know if you remember but I have a heart condition. And I may have to take a few rest stops on our way up. Is that okay?" Of course it was. Such a gentleman:) And let me just say sirs and gentle ladies. Night hikes are great date ideas for two reasons. Your date can't see you sweat, and the added sense of danger and mystery is a good thrill:) On our way up this short, maybe twenty minute hike we talked non-stop. Okay, I talked non stop. Spenser listened and offered his two cents every now and then. But it was oddly perfect and comfortable how he was content with just listening and I kept coming up with things to talk about. I'm NOT a talker. I don't make conversation regularly, and I hate being the center of attention. So I surprised myself by being conversational, and WE surprised each other by feeling completely...not awkward.
When we got to the bottom of the waterfall we stopped and admired the scenery for a few short minutes. Then I asked him if he'd like to hike a bit further to the top of the waterfall and look over the valley. He did, so we reached the top and took a seat. It's one of my favorite views. That canyon, at night, is absolutely breathtaking. To look out through the canyon crevasse and see all the lights, and the shimmering lake, with the noise of the waterfall drowning out the world is just...priceless. It's therapeutic, and I loved sharing it with him. This was the first time that night that I ran out of things to say. We just sat there for a while, in silence. I forgot everything, all my worldly stresses, all my responsibilities, all my worries. I could only think about one thing. Him.
And how badly I wanted to kiss him.
It was the PERFECT set up for a romantic kiss, but I didn't want to be a creep. I hadn't seen him in months and maybe I was just deprived. I wanted my next kiss to be in the right place AND the right time. It was the right place, for any one's first kiss, but the timing was off.
If Spenser were here to write in his two cents he'd tell you he BADLY wanted to kiss me too. But he didn't want to freak me out. We were both being very cautious, actually caring about this tender relationship that had started to build between us. It was the first time in my life I felt a strong sense of mutual respect between myself and another man. I felt admired, and respected, and adored by Spenser, even on that first night. I knew he must have good parents, a good family, because he treated me the way I'd only read about in books. It attracted me to him more than I expected. But this time I was prepared. I was ready to let him into my life, even if we ended up as just friends. So, before the desire to kiss overwhelmed us both we made our way back down the mountain, and headed home.
We ended up spending a few more hours at a park near my house, just talking. Enjoying each others' company. I didn't want that night to end, and either did he. So when 2 a.m. hit, and we decided to call it a night, we had already made plans to see each other the following day. I was beyond excited, and though I didn't know exactly what he was thinking or feeling at the time, I knew he was excited too. And that was enough for me.
