The past few months i've spent lots of time getting to know many of the local adoptive couples in my area. Ever since the beginning of my adoption journey i've been interested in understanding what they go through as the other half of any adoption story. I think I have a pretty good idea what a birth family experiences as they place a child for adoption but much less a clue what adoptive families think and feel as they receive a new addition into their home. I can only imagine the heart ache that comes when you learn having biological children of your own is impossible and that you must consider other alternatives. Or the mixed emotions that take place when you know someone you love is hurting because you were the answer to their prayers. It's all pretty bitter sweet on the day of placement, for both parties. And I've always been interested in hearing how adoptive couples feel about other aspects of their adoption, so...I took matters into my own hands and decided to interview a few people i've grown to admire that sit on the opposite side of the fence. One of these dear ladies, Janelle, has given me permission to post her responses and discuss them openly, so here we go:)
Q: Why was adoption right for you?
A: I’ve always wanted to adopt! It’s never even been a question in my mind that I wanted to. I’m not sure where it came from since I didn’t know anyone that was adopted. But I knew that it was going to happen for me someday. When I met my hubster I asked him about it and he was totally on board. It wasn’t until 6 years after we had been married that our little one finally came along.
Q: How has adoption blessed your life?
A: Have you seen my little girl? She’s freakin’ cute!! She is my life. She makes me happier than anything. I know that she was made for our family. We are also so lucky to have her birth families in our lives. We LOVE them!! They have been such an added bonus that I wasn’t expecting.
Q: What is something you learned by going through the adoption process?
A: I learned so much! I realized that there is hurt on both ends of adoption. It hurts on the birth parent sides for obvious reasons. But it also hurts on the adoptive side because it’s hard to watch the other end go through that pain.
I also naively thought that these young girls got pregnant and placed their babies for adoption and then moved on with their lives. It is SO not like that! They are not always these 16 year old “hussy’s”. They are not even hussy’s most of the time. Sometimes things just happen. And I realized that when the decision is made to place a baby for adoption they don’t just “move on” with their lives. It takes a while to even move forward but that’s all they can do some days.
Q: What makes open adoption so great/not so great?
A: I would not have our adoption any other way. I love that my little girl will never wonder where she came from. I love that whenever she has questions she can just call them up and ask them. I love that her birth parents (and their families) are a part of our family. We’ve learned a lot about family genetics and other health issues from having an open adoption. I love that our birth father’s younger siblings (there are 8 of them) can still see their little birth niece grow up. They now have a positive look on adoption and they are not wondering where the heck she is and if she’s okay.
Q: Would you say you love your adopted child just as much as you would a biological child?
A: For dang sure!! Have you seen her? We could have never made a baby that cute! Our biological child would have come out looking like a short little, fat, hairy thing. Now our kid has a future to play basketball and to get a date and stuff like that.
Q: What do you want your child to know about his/her adoption story?
A: Everything! There is nothing that we are holding back. We have everything documented and her birth parents and families are just a phone call away.
Other adoptive moms I talked to expressed their enthusiasm about open adoption as well. Haley, an adoptive mom from my local agency said, "I am 100% open adoption. I want my children to know they were loved that's why they were placed and I want them to love there birth parents. I'm completely confident a kid cant have to much love or a cheering crowd. Life is hard so the more people cheering for them , GREAT!"
I could have asked hundreds more questions but knew we didn't have a lot of time. So, I covered the basics. Now, the whole object of this blog post to display 'both sides of the fence'. I've spent a lot of time putting myself on the other side so I can better understand my own adoption story and get to know all these amazing couples. Now, I'll take a second to step back on my own turf, answering all the same questions from my point of view.
Q: Why was adoption right for you?
A: Because it was the only solution that offered a WIN-WIN-WIN for every party. A win for Sophie, a win for me, and a win for the adoptive couple. With adoption, I knew my child would have the stability I couldn't offer. I wanted her sealed to a mom and dad, and that was the one thing that drew my final decision.
Q: How has adoption blessed your life?
A: It hasn't just blessed my life, it saved my life. It's allowed me to express love for someone in a way I never thought possible. It's made me the best person I've been in a long time and given me the opportunity to have a second chance. And I never thought my heart could expand to love a whole other family, as if they were my own. it's taught me how to LOVE.
Q: What is something you learned by going through the adoption process?
A: That sometimes it's not up to me. I'm a control freak and yes, I made the final decision, but I really had to take a leap of faith and put my life and Sophie's life in the Lord's hands. That was a learning experience, and something I've continued to do. I learned He always has our best interest in mind and that I should never doubt.
Q: What makes open adoption so great/not so great?
A: It's great because Sophie and her family are a part of our lives, and always will be. I love the open communication that flows between our families and that she can look in my eyes when I tell her I love her. I've LOVED getting to know the Mathesons and feeling welcome in their home. I don't think there's anything I don't like about open adoption. The only thing that gets hard on occasion is not being able to tell my adoptive couple when it hurts. I don't want them to have those reminders, so I call my case worker instead:)
Q: Would you say you love your adopted child just as much as you would a biological child?
A: Let me explain this question. Though I have yet to have more kids of my own, I have been asked whether or not my feelings between Sophie and my own children may be different when the time does come. And to be honest, I don't know. But Right now, I love Sophie with all my heart and I'd do anything for her. I imagine it's the same for anyone else and their children, so I would be surprised if I ever felt different about her than I did my own children. There's a quote I have in my room that says "Birth Mothers Never Forget". Sophie will always have a special place in my heart and my love for her can Never fade.
Q: What do you want your child to know about his/her adoption story?
A: For me, this question means, "What will I tell my future children about my adoption journey and about Sophie?" And my answer to that is. Everything. They'll grow up knowing who she is, where she lives and the family she is a part of. And i hope they grow to love that part of our family history.
Well, it's been fourteen months since Sophie was born and my feelings about adoption haven't changed. I look forward to meeting more couples and birth families and hearing their stories seeing as each one is so unique!
Next topic of discussion will be how I've dealt with the dating scene. All birth moms know It's often scary and intimidating to go on dates with nice guys knowing that if things go well, the truth has to come out sooner or later. So, till next time!
