Marriage Learning: Let The Good Times Roll

So I'm back, wedding was FANTASTIC, honey moon even better, newlywed life, INCREDIBLE. And I'll most likely do a post on all that very soon, when I get pictures back from our photographer.  But for now, I thought it'd be fun to post a few things Spenser and I have quickly learned, as newlyweds:)

As you all know, nothing and no one can fully prepare you for married life. You kinda just close your eyes and jump into the water hoping your fourth grade swim lessons were adequate.  But that's what it's all about.  LEARNING.  And growing together as you learn.  Now Spenser and I have only been married a few weeks so we're not experts on anything, but we have learned SOME things. And here, I will share.

Sometimes I want to have full conversations early in the morning, or really late at night, and Spenser doesn't like it.  Go figure? Maybe because it's been a long day and he's either trying to catch every possible minute of sleep or he's ready to pass out.  I suck at this. And he puts up with me so well, but I've gotten better I swear. There's just something about beds....they make me wanna do anything but sleep.

As funny as this meme is, I have to disagree. Believe it or not I DO want Spenser's opinion on just about everything.  Turns out, it drives me CRAZY when we're making a decision and he hasn't formed an opinion on it yet.  To me, if my man has an opinion or an idea, it means he's been listening, and he's genuinely involved.  And each day of our marriage I'm learning more and more about just how much Spenser really DOES listen and DOES care, I just need to give him two seconds to formulate in his brain exactly how to say it, otherwise, like ol' Cosby, it's just easier to repeat what I said.  

Oh.my.gosh. Best part of marriage.  Okay, one of the best parts.  But the feeling I get at the end of each day when I realize, "Oh ya, I get to go home to Spenser tonight.  We get to get ready for bed together, and then cuddle all the way to sleep, and wake up the next day with all the sheets on his side, and half my body off the edge...this is FANTASTIC!" There's somethin about it, I LOVE having daily sleep overs:)

This is what I've learned.  Any space Spenser and I had, any boundaries or barriers, are now gone. Privacy? Ya, maybe in your journal. But that's about it. There's no such thing as being too close, or too clingy. At least not yet....And turns out, I'm a lot more touchy feely than I thought.  I'm not the type, and my love language isn't affection, though Spenser's is.  HOWEVER, if Spenser is in the same room as me, I lose all concentration and I just wanna touch him, hug him, bug him, bite his shoulder, cuddle up next to him, it doesn't matter.  I can't ever get enough!!! I don't get it!!! And that leads me to the next one....

I think I must be so annoying. He doesn't tell me I am.  He probably never would even if I was.  But heck, I would be so annoyed with me.  I'm giddy all the time, completely non-serious, and crazy clingy.  Not like gross high school girlfriend in public clingy.  It's just when we're home together, and I finally have him all to myself.  I don't know what's gotten in to me, but we love it so who cares!!!

Ahhh:) *sigh* Being married is so conducive to making your spouse dislike someone they've never even met.  It sounds so wrong, and I think HATE is a strong word, but when there's someone at work, or in the family that is just really making your life a living hell, what better thing than to go home and tell your husband or wife? And have them completely agree with absolutely everything you say? No more pent up anger or frustration here people, I've found the perfect outlet.

This is probably one of the best lesson I've ever learned.  And it took being with Spenser for me to learn it.  I've always been stubborn, hard headed, and set it my ways.  And still am.  But now I find myself completely willing to drop all my pride whenever a disagreement rolls around.  Wrong or right, I'd rather make Spenser feel loved by me through anything than win an argument, or convince him I'm right. If we get upset over something, I internally start to panic and realize my big mouth can shut up for a time, and resolve the issue with kindness.  That sounds so simple, and is probably something most of you a;ready do.  But it is SO NEW for me.  I've never felt like that before in a relationship, because I've never cared this much.

Anyway, short post.  My fingers were aching to write.  And more is coming very soon.  More wedding, humor, and finally adoption (haven't posted on that in awhile).  Later!  

The Final Countdown!!!!

I can hardly believe it's finally here...Five days until I get to become Mrs. Carrier.  It feels like we've been awaiting this moment for a VERY.LONG.TIME. Oh ya...cause we have been.  Our wedding day has been a long time coming and we couldn't be more excited.  Now I'm not the romantic type, and I don't particularly enjoy reading blogs or FB posts that are all mushy and contain the "I love him, he's the best husband ever!" type stuff.  It makes me ill, not because I'm single and jealous (though I HAVE been there), but because no one wants to hear that stuff over and over and over again.  Your marriage is great.  We get it.  Write about something else.

So, I am allowing myself this one time (for a long time anyway) to completely gross all of you out with how much I love and adore my hubby to be. And to express my feelings toward our relationship and lives together.  And just to straight up let you know how freaking excited I am to be married, at last.

So, I'll begin....

Spenser and I have known each other for three years.  Dated for 1 and 1/2, and been engaged for 1. We've been through some major ups and downs due to some serious freak accidents in my own life and he's stuck through it all like a champ.  The past couple years have been so vital to us. We've grown together in ways I never could have imagined and are so much more prepared for the challenges and excitement marriage can bring. Spenser balances our relationship and keeps us grounded with his level headedness and calm personality.  I never could have married someone like me. It would have been total and utter chaos ending in one nasty, ugly divorce.  Spenser is quite frankly, by definition, my soul mate.  My other half.  My partner in crime;) Without him, I would never know how or when to calm down.  I wouldn't know how to give myself a day off.  I wouldn't know how to relax and not worry about things that just don't matter. Without him, I wouldn't be the woman I am today, ready to commit myself to another man, and dedicate my life TO HIM.  To Loving him. Supporting him. And continually standing in awe at how lucky I am to have found him.

It took me awhile to grow up and realize the quiet guys are the nice ones. And the nice guys are the ones who will love you despite your shortcomings.  Spenser and I are so opposite in so many ways, I've really started to believe this whole "opposites attract" type thing. His love language is physical touch and affection, mine is acts of service.  We've promised each other to try harder each day to fulfill each other's love language, and be sure that neither of us doubts for a second how much we are loved by the other. I make a conscious effort to give as many hugs, kisses, back massages, or whatever! And he, well he does just about everything for me.  Washes dishes, cleans house, makes the bed, builds stuff, and one of my favorites, he writes:)  He writes the best, most romantic, sincere love letters ever.  And I get them quite often.  They're my absolute favorite surprises to receive from him.  He is constantly telling me how much he loves me, how beautiful  I am, how smart, how amazing. And those are all things I need to hear. He is a total gentleman, and would never say or do anything to hurt me.  He was raised by some pretty amazing people, because he is simply just that. Amazing.

So, I just wanna talk for a sec about us, as people, as individuals with ideas, goals, and standards of our own.  Spenser and I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  We are Mormons.  Therefore, on our wedding day we will have the incredible opportunity to be married in the house of our Lord.  We chose the Mount Timpanogos Temple because it's near where we both grew up, and it's absolutely gorgeous.  As Mormons, we are required to live certain standards in order to enter His house and partake of the sacred covenants held within.  These standards include sustaining and supporting all our church leaders, paying a full tithe, living the law of chastity, being honest in all our dealings, and so on. The reason I bring this up is because these laws are NOT easy.  They require a lot of faith. And they are NOT taken lightly.  The things that go on in the temple are very serious, and very eternal. I have wanted a temple marriage since I was a little girl.  I always told myself, ESPECIALLY after I gave birth to my daughter, that when I got married, I wanted to be able to kneel across that altar and KNOW that I DESERVED to be there.

Spenser and I are not perfect.  We've made mistakes, individually and collectively.  We've had to work really hard to be where we are.  Spiritually progression is constant and ongoing. It takes work. And it is KEY to marriage.  Whether you're catholic, protestant, or mormon, it doesn't matter.  Spirituality can keep a marriage strong when otherwise, it would fail.  So, I can't wait.  I CAN NOT WAIT. To finally make it to the temple.  I've worked my butt off to get there and I feel I will appreciate it that much more because of it.  The fact that I get to share this experience with the love of my life is beyond thrilling for me.  I can hardly sit still thinking about it.

Many people I interact with on a daily basis are not LDS.  Many of my family members are not LDS. And I love it! And often times, when someone new learns I'm a Mormon it's not uncommon for me to hear, "Really? Then why do you have a tattoo?" "Didn't you get pregnant" "I thought you weren't a a virgin?" "You never go to church".....And to all those I have to say, "Yup, I'm a Mormon, AND I'm human." Isn't Mormonism about service, sacrifice, endurance, faith, love, and forgiveness? Not about who's better at giving sacrament talks, or who doesn't watch rated R movies? I have a tattoo because it was a choice I made after I placed my daughter for adoption.  I got pregnant in high school, and made the best of it. And I don't get to go to church very often because I'm busy working most Sundays caring for special needs children. None of those affect my relationship with my Heavenly Father or my faith in Christ.  I established a VERY personal relationship with God when I was 17 and have managed to maintain it ever since.  It takes consistent effort and communication, and it is one thing I will NEVER neglect. So yes, I say damn, shit, and hell and I think tattoos are cool. But I have a testimony of my Savior and Heavenly Father strong enough to endure just about anything.  I would do anything for them because I know they do everything for me.

I feel like telling a quick story.  Way back when Spenser and I first started dating we were both living in Orem.  One night we were lying next to each other just talking and he told me something I would never forget.  He said that if he ever felt like he was losing me, he would fight for me. His comment took us both by surprise because he's not that type. It was a step forward in our relationship for us to realize that we were developing into something neither of us would willingly let go if something were to happen.  Well, nothing required fighting for quite some time.  Until I got sick and he had to rush me to the ER for the first time. Until I got hurt in Africa and lost my memory. Until I had to get open heart surgery in Minnesota...until he realized that choosing to be with me was going to be an even bigger commitment than he could have imagined. An even bigger struggle.  And one night last fall I just couldn't understand his patience. So I asked him, "Why did you stick around through it all? Why? You didn't deserve this." To which he said, "I told you I would fight for you."

It was that moment I realized he wasn't going anywhere. And that I could trust him not to leave my side, no matter what.  It was then that I knew we were going to be together and that he was going to walk me through some extremely difficult years, but that I couldn't do it without him.  I just hoped, and still hope, that I can give him as much as he gives me and that I can show him how much I love and appreciate his commitment to us.

So, I just want to say again, how excited I am to finally be HERE. In this time and place, ready to enter the temple and be married and sealed to Spenser. With family and friends there to witness the event and experience our special day with us. I've never been so in love with another human being, so willing to do anything to make them happy. The thought of going through life's experiences with him, having kids together, traveling, buying a house, laughing, crying, all of it...is so exciting:)  We have so many goals, so many aspirations. And I know we'll get there with time, patience, hard work and a lot of love.   So, in five days I get to slip on my gorgeous wedding dress, eat some cake, and dance with my daddy.  Then, it's off to Vegas for the best week of my life...so far;) Where I'm going to put aside everything, except ME & HIM.

And it's going to be wonderful.

See you in a couple weeks.

My Unedited Thoughts on a Few Things...

Okay so you can probably tell from the title that this post is going to have nothing to do with adoption or my love story.  Instead of doing a continuation of my previous posts I wanted to write a quick blurb about some thoughts I've been having lately.  I just want to throw them out there, maybe plant a few seeds of thought in your head.  I don't ever expect the world to agree with me.  That would be ignorant and naive all at the same time. I appreciate differences, differences are what make this world go round. However, there are some things about people, including myself, that I just DON'T understand. And I wanna see if I'm the only one...So here I have listed a few things accompanied with some meme's, and then my thoughts on the matter.  Hopefully this post is more entertaining than anything else, I'm not looking to start a riot or be taken seriously.  This is just me, throwing crap out there for the world to hear:)

Item number one: Kim freaking Kardashian A.K.A. I'msodumbbuti'mhotsowhocares


Jay-Z and Beyonce, I couldn't agree with you more.

Everyone knows who the Kardashians are right? Well if you don't, heaven has blessed your untainted soul.  And I envy you.  What happened to our nation?! I'll tell you what.  Celebrities and athletes started getting paid more than doctors and teachers and now every thing's just screwed up.  Our society, THE MEDIA, places value on the most worthless items, and the most WORTHLESS PEOPLE. Who gives a crap what Lindsay Lohan wore her first day out of prison.  And who gives an even bigger crap why Kim Kardashian got knocked up by freaking Kanye (bless his soul) while still married to her Ex husband!?!? Oh my gosh, k we gotta calm down.  I'm starting to get heated over here.  All I'm trying to say is I hate it.  I hate all of it.  There is SO much money and time wasted on these people who do absolutely nothing for anyone else and who embody the very things I abhor.  Like materialism, dishonesty, adultery, and let's face it, stupidity.  I wish they'd all just...go away.  Buy a freaking island off the coast of Antarctica and all live there. BYE.

Item number two: people who don't like animals, especially the furry ones.



Okay, so maybe you're allergic.  Then you and your allergies can leave and never come back.  It's not my fault your parents' genes messed you up...forever.  So if we're gonna be friends you either down a whole bottle of benadryl before stepping foot into my house, or ya better just not come in.  Because the second you bad mouth my dog or cat, shoo him out of the room, or tell him he STINKS AND YOU DON'T LIKE HIM! I'm gonna freak out and claim self defense when the police show up.  And for those of you who just don't like the animals. PERIOD. I don't even know what to say to you.  The meme said it all.

Item number three: Mark Wahlberg



Okay, so I actually TOTALLY get this. And why you'd want to stare at it and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. In fact, Spenser and I both get it.  So, I had to share:) For your viewing pleasure. That's all.

Item number four: Stupid people and their stupid brains



Right?! When I saw this meme online I was like THANK YOU! People are so dumb.  I'm not going to go up to one of my gay friends and ask, "Hey man, so how bout all this gay marriage debate? What do ya say? Pretty ridiculous right?... What?! You support it!? Holy crap I can't breathe. I'm so upset.  Everyone's gonna find out.  What are people gonna say? Blah Blah Blah..." Seriously? C'mon.  What kills me is when the president of Chick fil a issued a statement against gay marriage and the country was in OUTRAGE what were all the gays doin? Eating at his restaurants.  Unintelligent FOX news devotees were saying, "How dare he discriminate, how dare he voice something like that, and so on so forth."  While the rest of us said, "Uh, hello! We already knew he AND his company standards were staunchly Christian, so don't act like you just found out your mother's baby has two heads!" You're making yourself look stupid.  And secondly, I just want to thank all those intelligent homosexuals who openly supported the president of chick fil a by actually purchasing food items and eating them at his restaurants. Why would they do that you ask? Because they support FREEDOM. That's what the president of this fast food chain was exercising right? Freedom of speech? Isn't that what gay's want? Freedom? See, they're on the same team:) How nice. So shut up and leave. And take your stupid questions with you.

Item number five: I'm pretty stupid sometimes too



Okay so now that I just poked pretty hard at all you FOX news idiots I feel kinda bad. So here's a little jab at myself.  Observe above meme....Ever experienced that? Ya, well I DO THAT. All the time.  To Spenser. And it makes him so mad.  I can't help that when we're sitting, he's reading, and I'm thinking "I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored. I need some attention. I want you. HEY. YOU! I'M HOTTER THAN THAT BOOK YOU'RE READING!" that eventually I verbalize those very thoughts and start pouncin around like a freaking kitten on steroids. It works.  I get his attention, though slightly negative.  Until he warms up to the idea of a nice cuddle sesh.  Then he calms down, and I'm calm cause I finally got what I wanted, so it's like this perfect, calm get together we never would have had, had I not convinced him I'm much better than his book.

Item number six: What the heck, I have bags under my eyes



So the other morning I woke up and walked into the bathroom feeling like crap. Story of my life.  I looked in the mirror and holy Sh*! I had massive bags under my eyes. Pardon my false expletive but I'm not kiddin you.  I looked like I had eaten a little too much the night before and stored it under my eyes for the days to come in case our food storage ran out.  It was like all those nights I hadn't slept had finally caught up to me.  Usually I can pull off this "oh don't worry, I didn't sleep last night, but I can still get ready and keep it together" look. Mmmhmmm, not that day.  It did NOT happen that day. And I got a little upset.  Nope, that's keeping it mild.  I got A LOT upset.  I cried.  It was a mix of no sleep, ever.  Lack of carbs.  No make-up on yet so I'm gross faced.  I have to work today.  I have a test tomorrow. I smell bad.  I think I'm hormonal.  And...WHY IS IT, when I want to sleep, I CAN'T. And when I can't sleep, I REALLY want to??? Every single stinkin night I go through this with myself. It's like a never ending torture that I've been cursed with because...well....probably because I'm a Ginger.  Every night, around eleven o clock I think to myself, "Oh wow, I'm exhausted. I'm gonna go to bed now. Ya, that sounds good." So, I get all ready.  Lookin all cute and cozy in my flannel pajamas, I cuddle under the duvet, and rest my head on my nice, soft pillow. AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS?! "Holy Crap! Unicorns! Rainbows! Iguanas! Ice Cream! Chickens! Fuzzies! School hurts! Mary Kate and Ashley! Campbell's! Movies! Money! I MUST CLEAN! WOW!" And it just doesn't stop.  For like...mmmm...three hours most nights.  And then when I finally fall asleep I wake up every hour cause my dreams are so intense i just can't even stay asleep! What a life right? I tell ya, I'm livin' the dream. Woah...no pun intended.

Item number seven: Where did Michael Scott go?:(



This is my last item.  I just wanted to see if I was the only one completely left in ruins when Michael Scott left The Office.  I mean, what the heck is Steve doing now? You don't see him anywhere else! It's not like he wanted a normal life, free from all the fortune and fame. Free to be with friends, family, and loved ones.  Free to be someone other than Michael Scott for a change...No way.  He wouldn't want that.  Ya, well maybe he did. But I miss him and all his glory. I love you Steve, come back. Forever.  

Okay, so those are a few things I've been thinkin about lately and just wanted to chuck out there.  Hope they were thought provoking or at least, entertaining.  I enjoyed writing for you today.  Until next time!

Me & Him: From...Him

So for a while now Spenser and I have been mulling over the idea of letting him create a post.  He wants to say a thing or two, give the world a chance to hear it all from his side.  And I figured, why the heck not!? This should be fun...;) So, without further ado, I give you,  (part of) the other side to our story. . .

-----------------------------

So ShaNae asked me to write in her blog this time around since she is swamped with school, work and wedding planning. Obviously, all of us who read ShaNae’s blog know what an amazing writer she is. I apologize in advance if I bore any readers. She will be back writing soon.

There is so much I could write about, but again, to avoid boring people and making this post twenty pages long I’ll try to keep my comments sweet and simple.

The first thing I need to write about is the first time we met. ShaNae wrote a post not too long ago talking about that very thing. But it's all wrong. She says that it was at Chili’s with another friend but she is very much mistaken. Here is the real story of how we first met.

My best friend at the time was living down in Provo. I would usually go down after work or on the weekends and we would chill. I had just gotten out of a relationship so we were two bachelors who didn’t have a care in the world. After a few weeks he started hanging out with this girl who later became his girlfriend. And I kept hanging out with them since I didn’t have any other friends, so we became the three amigos and did everything together. 

One night I got a call from this friend saying that we were going to do something crazy for the weekend and that I needed to get down as soon as I was done with work. He told me that his girlfriend had brought her best friend along to hang out with us.  I didn’t think much of it at the time since I had recently gotten out of a relationship and wasn't on the prowl. I just thought it would be nice to have someone else there for conversation.

Once I got down to the house in Provo they were all waiting for me. Then we were deciding what crazy things we could do for the weekend. THAT'S when ShaNae and I met for the first time. (Unless you ask her…She has no memory of this night. Probably because she too, had recently gotten out of a relationship and had no interest in the opposite gender.) Anyway, no one had any great ideas until my buddy and I decided to go to the store for some dry ice and make a dry ice bomb in the park near his house. So we went to the store and got all the needed material. Then, later, to the park so no one would be walking through as we were making it. It turned out to be one of the biggest fails ever. Nothing even happened. We stood out there watching it for probably an hour before we decided to go up and see why it hadn't gone off. The dry ice had melted a hole in the plastic bottle and let out all the water...oh. That's why...

This whole time we were all talking about random things but mostly ShaNae and I were along for the ride while our best friends were doing their thing. I guess I didn’t make an impression on ShaNae because I didn’t talk much and I didn’t try to impress her because she made it clear she was not looking for any type of relationship and in fact hated most males at this moment in her life.

The next time we met was at Chili’s with her friend, which is the first time she remembers meeting me. After that, all four of us started hanging out together, going to parties or just chillin on the weekends. Throughout these few months, ShaNae always made it clear that she was not looking for a relationship so I never tried anything with her. But that wasn't exactly what I wanted. I remember from the first time meeting her that I was attracted to her. Not just because she was a gorgeous ginger, but because of her personality as well. She wasn’t like other girls I had dated or been friends with in the past. She was much more…real. If I had one word to describe ShaNae it would be REAL. Because she doesn’t ever put a mask on for anyone or ever pretend to be someone she isn’t. If she didn’t like you she would tell you to your face instead of pretending to get along with you. At first it took me by surprise, and I’m not going to lie I was intimidated by her, which is another reason I didn’t try to ask her out or anything. We were just friends who hung out on the weekends and no more. But again, I didn’t try anything with her because she made it clear that she hated men…not because I didn’t want to. She always intrigued me though and I felt myself becoming more and more attracted to her the better I got to know her. But all I could do was be myself and see if she started to trust people again and see where we could go. Then when the summer came along and she stopped hanging out with us I was a bit disappointed. There goes this amazing girl who I had started to fall for and she never even knew. And for all I knew I would never see her again.

Well that is my side of the story of how we met and the first few months of our crazy relationship. Since she is much better at writing and storytelling I’ll let her tell the rest of our story. But I would like to take some time to embarrass her and maybe tell everyone some things she wouldn’t otherwise tell.  Hopefully she doesn’t get too mad at me.

First thing that I find funny is the terrible luck she has with cops. She hasn’t had a single run in with the law that had gone her way. I on the other hand am the exact opposite. I have only had one speeding ticket which was when I was seventeen, and every time I have been pulled over since I have had a cool police officer who was super nice and let me off with a warning. This doesn’t make her happy either…Don’t even ask her how many times she has been pulled over. She finally had her license suspended because she had too many points on her record. Let just say that I do most of the driving when we are together.

One of our favorite things to do together is to go rock climbing at the Quarry in Provo. ShaNae got me all my gear for Christmas and since then we have tried to go as often as possible. We are always looking for people to go with us on Friday nights since we get in two people for free with our passes (*winkwink*).

One of the funniest things I have ever witnessed has been when ShaNae had the hiccups. I was literally on the ground crying the first time she got them when we were together. I can’t even explain them; you just have to witness them for yourself to understand how funny they are. 

Every opportunity I have to brag about ShaNae, I take, and this seems like one of the best places to do just that. So...

Simply put, ShaNae is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. But, at the same time, one of the hardest. Which has been no one’s fault.  We just frequently question how after all the many things that have almost torn us apart, we've have managed to keep it together. All I can say is, and I’m sure that ShaNae will agree with me on this, the Big Man better be ready to start throwing some blessings our way. We need a break!!

The biggest blessing in my life is going to happen in a month from now when we are married for time and all eternity in the Temple of the Lord. It is something we both thought would happen later in our lives when we were either more established, more prepared, had more money or one of a thousand other reasons. But we decided that now is the time for us to finally tie the knot. (And I’m pretty sure if we wait any longer something else will happen. Between the amnesia and heart surgery and having to postpone the wedding this many times already, I’m not letting ShaNae out of my sight until we are married and I can go with her on her crazy adventures.)

I guess just to end I want to remind ShaNae how in love with her I am. I’ve never been a real touchy person; ShaNae has changed that for me. I have never been able to talk to people the way I can talk to ShaNae. I never pictured myself falling in love with such an amazing woman the way I have with ShaNae.  I have never had anyone motivate me to do things with my life until I met and fell in love with ShaNae.  In short she makes me a better person in all areas of my life. I love that she has goals in all aspects of her life including school, personal goals, religion and the family life we are going to start together. She is the most incredible woman I have ever met and once again I couldn’t be more grateful for her and I love her so much.

                                        

                                              

Me & Him: Chapter 4

Oh how true that was.  I could have continued my life of solitude after that summer of 'fixing' and been completely content.  The only social interaction I had acquired for months was at my part time job, teaching at Dan Peterson's school for handicapped children. Which was AWESOME.  Because in case you've never had the opportunity to be around those special people, you don't fully understand acceptance and purity. They loved me because I spent time with them, got to know them, LOVED them.  And they loved me.  Even on my bad days.  BEST job I'd ever had besides the one I have now, because I now get to work at the residential home where most of my previous students reside.  They were the perfect addition to clinical therapy I needed to re prioritize my life.  And I still feel like they taught me WAY more than I could have ever taught them.

But, as the summer came to an end, and I registered for more classes at UVU it suddenly hit me. Oh Crap.  In a couple weeks, I have to start socializing again. For a second it made me kinda nervous.  I mean, at work none of the kids held expectations, they just took me for who and what I was.  But would other people do that? I also wondered if I'd ever find 'that someone' who could do that. I believed in myself, felt normal again, and was in a good place. I just didn't know how a person would react to discovering my PAST, if I even ever got to that point with someone.  Guess I'd find out soon enough, because I was moving out.  Into an apartment with three other girls my age.  

But before I made my move down to Orem, I received a message from one of my old friends on facebook.  My BEST friend from the group I had so suddenly deserted.  She was wanting to know what happened, how I was doing, and if I'd accept an apology.  I was shocked to say the least.  I didn't ever expect to hear from her, not like this anyway.  But I wrote back, explaining to her very plainly why I left, leaving out all personal details, and then apologized myself.  For anything I'd done to cause offense.  So, we reconciled.  And decided to start over as friends, because both parties believed we'd changed, and could provide a healthy friendship for the other person.

Anyway, she and I planned to get together sometime soon.  And for some reason, I REALLY wanted to see Spenser again.  So, I asked her if he was still around, if they still hung out from time to time.  And turns out he was, and they did.  And she was going to contact him to see if he'd be up for a night out with just she and I. It didn't take very long for her to get a response from him.  And before I could change my mind, we all planned a night to get together and catch up.  So, I anxiously waited for that night to come, and when it did, I made sure I looked GOOD.  I had to impress! I hadn't seen them in MONTHS. And I felt a thousand times better, I wanted to look the part. So a couple hours before our planned time to meet I received a text message from my friend. 

She had to cancel.

Seriously?!?!?!

And turns out, for a boy! Well, at least THAT part about her hadn't changed.  I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.  When it came to sistas before mistas, she sucked.  And would admit it too. So I don't feel bad saying it.  But whatever. I was determined not to disappoint Spenser, or myself for that matter.  So I messaged Spenser, telling him we had a change of plans and then gave him two options.  Go ahead without our friend, just have it be us two.  Or wait and do it another time. And I'm not sure to this day if he went with option one to be nice or if he really wanted it.  I should ask...

Okay, so the plan was this: I was driving up to his house in Highland to pick him up and then we're going to grab a bite to eat.  After that? Nothing.  At least not that we had planned.  So, I spritzed on some perfume, poofed the hair, and ran out the door. I was so excited! And so nervous! I couldn't even tell you why because I still didn't necessarily have romantic feelings for Spenser.  I think it was just the fact it was my first 'real' social interaction in a long time, and I was excited about that! Look at me making baby steps! I was on a roll!  And I had strong convictions to make this night a GREAT one.  

As I drove up to his house, I blasted my favorite songs, like we all do when we need that extra 'boost'. And I thought about Spenser.  I wondered if he looked different, if he'd still be his quiet, sweet, awkward self.  If he'd be excited to see me... 

Well, before I knew it I had arrived, parked my car, and was walking up the walkway to his front door.  My.heart.was.beating.out.of.my.chest.  I started to rethink my decision.  I felt self-doubt creeping its way in.  I didn't know how to talk to people!  Especially handsome men who treated me like a princess!  Holy crap, I was going to pass out.  And just as I started to feel dizzy, the door opened and I lunged forward, wrapping my arms around his neck. 

Okay, good one ShaNae. So awkward right? I practically  threw myself at him.

And even in the moment I couldn't figure out if it was because I was excited or because I needed something to break my fall when I passed out.  Looking back it was more the latter.  I WAS excited, but I wouldn't have attacked him if I wasn't afraid of passing out or having him see that I was completely red in the face.  Well, thank goodness Spenser possesses that 'nothingfazesme' personality.  Because he hugged me back.  A good, long hug;) And then smiled at me when I finally pushed away and said, "It's been so long.  It's good to see you."

"It's so good to see you too! I've missed you!" Truth was, I did! I missed him, a lot! I missed his kindness, his witty one-liners. I just missed...him.



Then he said, "I know, me too. So, uh, where do you wanna go eat?"

Uh....oops.  In all my nervousness I had eaten before I arrived. I wasn't hungry.  But I wanted him to eat, so I let him choose.  And he chose Rubio's. 

So you would think it'd be so awkward to go out with someone and only one of you eats. Hey, don't mind me, while I just sit here for thirty minutes and stare at you publicly while you nom on dinner. Right? Well it wasn't awkward.  At All.  And I attribute that to my incessant amount of nervous chatter and his yet again, 'nothingfazesme' personality. I can't even remember what we talked about but I do know our conversation consisted of simple nods from him and a lot of storytelling from me.

When he finished, we sat there for a second.  The night was still young! And neither of us wanted it to end.  We needed to determine our next activity.  At this point it was dark outside, but it was summer time.  So it was warm.  And I had enough energy to run a marathon. 

So I said, "Hey, how about we go on a night hike! I know this great, short hike up battle creek canyon that leads to a waterfall and a great over look of the valley.  We can go back to my house and get flashlights.  What do you think!?"

He liked the idea.  So, we ran back to my place, grabbed flashlights, water, and I even sneaked my small pocket knife in case we came across a wild bear or cougar.  Not that it'd do much, but it made me feel better.  Then we were on our way.  We parked at the bottom of the trail and before we got started I made him aware of one thing. "Spenser, I don't know if you remember but I have a heart condition.  And I may have to take a few rest stops on our way up.  Is that okay?"  Of course it was.  Such a gentleman:)  And let me just say sirs and gentle ladies. Night hikes are great date ideas for two reasons.  Your date can't see you sweat, and the added sense of danger and mystery is a good thrill:)  On our way up this short, maybe twenty minute hike we talked non-stop.  Okay, I talked non stop.  Spenser listened and offered his two cents every now and then.   But it was oddly perfect and comfortable how he was content with just listening and I kept coming up with things to talk about.  I'm NOT a talker.  I don't make conversation regularly, and I hate being the center of attention.  So I surprised myself by being conversational, and WE surprised each other by feeling completely...not awkward.

When we got to the bottom of the waterfall we stopped and admired the scenery for a few short minutes.  Then I asked him if he'd like to hike a bit further to the top of the waterfall and look over the valley.  He did, so we reached the top and took a seat.  It's one of my favorite views.  That canyon, at night, is absolutely breathtaking.  To look out through the canyon crevasse and see all the lights, and the shimmering lake, with the noise of the waterfall drowning out the world is just...priceless.  It's therapeutic, and I loved sharing it with him.  This was the first time that night that I ran out of things to say.  We just sat there for a while, in silence.  I forgot everything, all my worldly stresses, all my responsibilities, all my worries.  I could only think about one thing.  Him. 

And how badly I wanted to kiss him. 

It was the PERFECT set up for a romantic kiss, but I didn't want to be a creep.  I hadn't seen him in months and maybe I was just deprived.  I wanted my next kiss to be in the right place AND the right time.  It was the right place, for any one's first kiss, but the timing was off.  

If Spenser were here to write in his two cents he'd tell you he BADLY wanted to kiss me too. But he didn't want to freak me out.  We were both being very cautious, actually caring about this tender relationship that had started to build between us.  It was the first time in my life I felt a strong sense of mutual respect between myself and another man.  I felt admired, and respected, and adored by Spenser, even on that first night. I knew he must have good parents, a good family, because he treated me the way I'd only read about in books.  It attracted me to him more than I expected.  But this time I was prepared.  I was ready to let him into my life, even if we ended up as just friends.  So, before the desire to kiss overwhelmed us both we made our way back down the mountain, and headed home. 

We ended up spending a few more hours at a park near my house, just talking.  Enjoying each others' company.  I didn't want that night to end, and either did he.  So when 2 a.m. hit, and we decided to call it a night, we had already made plans to see each other the following day.  I was beyond excited, and though I didn't know exactly what he was thinking or feeling at the time, I knew he was excited too.  And that was enough for me.