Google Search

Okay, so here I have for you some random facts.  As unimportant as they may seem, one can never say that expansion of knowledge is a bad thing.  No matter how useless the facts may be. The other day, during one of my grave shifts, I started to Google anything that popped into my head.  The list below is the direct result of my random googling.  And I have to say, I learned a lot.

Item #1

My Search: Egyptians and Human Organs

My Results: Early Egyptians believed that the heart and other major organs had wills of their own and would move around inside the body.

Okay so the first thing I thought when I read this was, "If that's true, then my heart has some sort of beef with me.  And we best sort this out" But just the idea that organs could be complete entities of their own fascinated me more than it made me laugh at the silliness of the idea.  That's it. Probably the most useless of them all.

Item #2

My Search: Red Head Facts



My Results:  According to Hamburg sex researcher Dr. Werner Habermehl, women with red hair have more sex than women with other hair colors. He also postulates that women in a relationship who dye their hair red may be signaling that they are unhappy and looking for something better.

Well played Dr. Habermehl, well played.  I read this, and looked around my general vicinity, just to make sure no one but me had become privy to this piece of information.  I felt like someone had just given me the nod, confirming my theories to be correct! I'm not saying red heads are promiscuous beings.  Because heaven knows blondes get the rap for that.  But I HAVE always questioned the wannabes.  The ones who dye it red.  Whatcha tryin to say? Whatcha tryin to prove? Why go red? And not blonde like everyone else?  Anyway...

Item #3

My Search: Tattoo History

 
(you're welcome;))

My Results: The Greeks learned tattooing from the Persians and used tattoos to mark slaves and criminals so they could be identified if they tried to escape. The Romans learned it from the Greeks and would tattoo “fug” on the foreheads of slaves for “fugitive.

It's no secret for those who know me that I think awesome tattoos are AWESOME.  And I say it that way because some tattoos, like the ones with bleeding eye balls and raging dragons, are straight up stupid and disgusting.  No one should ever get those, and the people who do need to be questioned.  So, I was curious, to see how far back tattoos go.  And actually, I also found that one of the earliest mummies ever found had a cross tattoo.  So basically body art has been around since the beginning of time.  As a form of identification.  And this particular fact led me to wonder what kind of identification mark would I choose for myself if we still did this.  Like let's just say if the nerds all got NERD tattooed on their bodies, and all the gamblers got GAMBLER, and all the people unjustifiably on welfare got MONEY MOOCHER, and so on, what would I get? After giving it some thought, I decided I'd get GINGER.  Because as a ginger, most of my key traits and personality quirks are already implied, I wouldn't have to say much more.  

Item #4

My Search: Facts on Love

My Results: When someone looks at a new love, the neural circuits that are usually associated with social judgment are suppressed.

EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW.

Item #5

My Search: USA tax system



My Results: The United Sates has what is called a progressive tax system, which means that the more money a person makes, the more he or she pays in income tax.

And some act confused...It's quite simple really. What, get a job? Nah,  imma stay home watchin' sum Jerry Springa sippin on my beer and nomin' on a frozen pizza pocket.  That way, those people livin in that there white house aint got nothin on me! 
I totally get it now...my white trash neighbors know what they're doin!

Item #6

My Search: Moral Decline



My Results: Under the Hays Code (1930-1968), people kissing in American films could no longer be horizontal; at least one had to be sitting or standing, not lying down. In addition, all on-screen married couples slept in twin beds...and if kissing on one of the beds occurred, at least one of the spouses had to have a foot on the floor.

Boy have we jumped off the deep end.  How would it have been to grow up in an era with cinematic rules such as this? I'm so used to seeing what I shouldn't during movies.  I think we all are.  And without getting too serious or bringing up a whole other topic of its own, I just have to say it's troubling, and disappointing.  What has been deemed appropriate for the screen has created mass distortions between right and wrong, moral and immoral.  I for one value the sanctity of marriage, the sacredness the union implies.  I'm not a saint, I laugh at crude jokes, I think Easy A is down right hilarious.  But I get sick to my stomach when I realize how numb we are, I am, to the things we see on TV.  Whatever happened to the Hays Code? Maybe I'll google that.

Item #7

My Search: Kissing Facts

My Results: Passionate kissing burns 6.4 calories a minute. A Hershey’s kiss contains 26 calories, which takes five minutes of walking–or about four minutes of kissing–to burn off.

So working out is hard for me, we know that.  I'm a heart patient, my heart sucks, therefore exercise is rough.  I have struggled for YEARS to maintain a healthy weight, because even speed walking makes me nervous.  That being said, you can imagine the little chuckle I enjoyed with myself when I read this.  All this time I've been wearing myself out, when I could have been making out. It's a joke really, but I find it kind of hilarious knowing I will now and forever use this against myself as an excuse not to go kill myself at the gym.  In fact tomorrow night, I'm going to  stay home and make out with my husband instead.  And the best part is, it won't even be a day off, cause i'll be burnin just as many calories. So pleased with this piece of useless knowledge, so very pleased.

Item #8

My Search: Stupid Laws



My Results: 

While reading these laws I couldn't help but come up with some smart aleck remark after each one, they were all just so darn ridiculous. So I picked a few to share.

It is illegal in Tennessee for an atheist to hold office.  And in Tennessee we don't allow gay marriage either, because then we'd be a bit biased and off balance when it came to equal rights, and heaven knows what kind of problems that'd cause...

In Truro, Mississippi, a man must prove himself worthy before getting married by hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows. FINALLY. A way to sort the manly men from the rest of them. 

In Kentucky, a woman is forbidden to wear a bathing suit on a highway unless she is armed with a club or is escorted by at least two officers. The amendment says that the provisions of this statue “shall not apply to a female weighing less than 90 pounds or exceeding 200 pounds.” Because heaven knows the teenage boy-lady or the fatty chick aren't getting jumped by a couple hustlers any time soon. 

That's all for today.  I'm in the midst of some research surrounding eating disorders and the facts behind it all.  So, heads up for the next post.  If that topic doesn't interest you, maybe after reading my post it will. Till next time;)

Am I Over It?

There was a time in High School when one of my closest friends confided in me concerning her parents impending divorce.  The first time I heard the news I was heart broken.  Devastated that this beautiful family was soon to be split in two.  I ached for her.  Couldn't even begin to imagine what she must be feeling.  Didn't know what to do or say other than offer a place of safety, love, and comfort.  However, as she continually disclosed the same information repeatedly over the course of several months I began to grow weary.  I was sick of hearing it.  I could only say so much.  I could only DO so much before her pain became burdensome and I was sick of hearing about it.  That's when I turned to her one day after school, amidst another one of her venting episodes, and told her to JUST GET OVER IT.

Still can't believe I ever said that.

But I did.  And she'd never forget it either.  And I don't blame her.  I looked at her straight on and said, "I'm serious.  You need to get over it.  Your parents are getting divorced and there's nothing you can do about it.  Stop mulling and move on." To which she said nothing but instead, stood up and walked away.  

We had a break in our friendship for quite some time after that.  Because I was insensitive and rude.  Because I failed to see, that what she was experiencing right then, would be life changing for her.  She needed my support.  She needed my listening ear.  But I grew tiresome, and bored.  And didn't take her circumstance seriously. I didn't realize this trial she was going through would become a defining part of who she was.  I didn't appreciate that.  I didn't help her see that, feel that, know that.  And as her friend I could have...

The reason I relay this story is to exemplify the fact that WE ALL HAVE A STORY. One we wish to share.  One that has changed us forever and molded us into who we are today. And these stories should be acknowledged, celebrated even. We are lucky to be alive, let alone live through the bad and the ugly. Because as we often hear, it's from those times we learn and grow the most.

I absolutely LOVE this quote.  Because sometimes, just like the rest of the human race, I have really bad days.  I get SO down on myself, thinking I can't believe I ever did that, I'm so rude, I'm so dumb...blahblahblah. Whatever.  It goes on.  But then I stop and think, hold up, without all that history, who would I be?  Like, really, who would I be? I understand people, I get their stories.  I can relate with the 'girl next door' and the 'nerds'. I know what it feels like to struggle, to thrive, to hurt, to love, to hate, and to forgive. And that's a true blessing.  I can't hate where I've been, not for two seconds, not when I think about all I've become because of it.  And I hope I'm not the only one who stops to think about this. I really hope this is something we all do.  I bet it is...but let me ramble anyway;)

"Let no man pull you low enough to hate him". Hmm...well that's definitely a lot easier said than done.  I doubt very many people refrain from hating someone simply because it's in our best interest not to. Its not new news to  hear that harboring hate is one of the most self destructive pursuits we can engage in.  Too damn bad it's so easy to do...I so wish that hating someone or something would make it all better.  Make it, or them, change to eleviate my hatred. But the fact remains, it wont. They wont. Nothing changes. So you continue to hate.  And by hating, your wounds continue to fester. So how do we fix ourselves without changing them? Well, I sure as heck don't have the perfect answer for that question. But I can tell you what I do. However,before I do, I need to share this next quote.




"To be a christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you".  .  .  .  .

Do ya feel like you just got hit by a ton of bricks?

Mind blowing I know.

Atleast it was for me.

I'm not kidding when I say I read this and thought.  Holy Crap.  Who the heck do I think I am? Who am I not to forgive those who have wronged me?  When I have wronged more people than I care to think about. And when God himself has forgiven me for the worst of sins.  For the 'Inexcusable In Me'. I have no right.  It is my God-given RESPONSIBILITY to forgive ANYTHING.  And that IS.SO.HARD. My gosh it's so hard.  But that's what I do.  Well, TRY to do.  And that's all I can do.  I can't change them.  I can't change it.  So I forgive.  My only option really.

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time there was a girl. A girl so unconcerned with her High School career and SO concerned with her boyfriend.  The man of her dreams, the one she thought, she'd be with forever.  The one she fell so in love with, so, so young. This girl truly believed she had found her soul mate. They did everything together.  Everything.  They had the same friends, same interests.  They laughed together, worked together, hurt together, disclosed all their secrets to each other. They were living a fairy tale . . . for over two years. . . that's a long time when you're so young...

So you can imagine her pain, her sadness, her absolute despair when her worst nightmare became their reality.  And his too. She knew he was hurting too. Their hearts, their lives, their whole universe was shattered.  In a matter of minutes.

There was no happily ever after for this girl.  Not with him anyway. Which is good.

But no, she'll never forget it.

I, ShaNae McCleskey, will never forget it.

I will never forget the pain I felt losing not only my daughter, but my best friend.  I have never felt so betrayed, neglected, and un-loved in my entire life.  I blamed myself for the.longest.time.  But I also HATED him for it.  That hate drove me to do A LOT of stupid, self destructive things.  I didn't know how to move past it. I didn't know how to forgive someone I loved for dealing with our situation in a way I didn't, and couldn't, ever understand.

And I can honestly say, I'm still learning.  I just know it's something I have to do.  Will do.  Not for his sake, but for mine. I want to do it.  With all my heart I want to let it ALL go, every ounce of the hate.  But like I said, so much easier said than done.  Even after three years...

Let me clarify also by saying, this isn't a bash.the.birthfather. post.  He did what he had to do.  And the consequences of that have led me to embark on one of hardest journeys of my life.  And that's the path to true, total, and complete forgiveness.

And that takes me back to what I wrote about in the beginning of this blog post.  Healing takes time.  And a different amount of time for every person.  So how dare I tell my friend amidst her parents divorce to just 'get over it'.  And how dare I tell myself that either.  It's not possible to 'just get over' something that has affected you so deeply.  So permanently.  So I think I write this post more as a declaration to myself than anything else.  Because I've been pushing some feelings back for over a year now.  I wanted them to be gone, so I convinced myself they were.  Well, surprise, they're not.  And that's only because I have yet to forgive 100%. If I had, it wouldn't matter anymore.  Nothing would phase me.  So, I'm hashing this out.  Once more. But this time I aint stoppin till I'm finished.

I need to finish this.  Forever.  I'm beyond ready to move past these debilitating emotions.  I hate admitting to myself that ya, I'm kind of a hot mess sometimes. Behind closed doors, when no one's watching.  Cause I'm the kind of person that doesn't ever wanna be a hot mess. In public OR behind closed doors.  So, I'm doing it.  I'm going to figure this out.  I'm going to forgive the inexcusable because God forgave the inexcusable in me.

Wonderful Mistakes

Why HELLO again.  It's been WAY to long since my last post and I realize that's probably cost me over half my audience (which wasn't very big to begin with unfortunately) but I'll do my best to make up for it and earn 'em all back and then some!  I just finished school, I have a life now:) I'm working graves at a fabulous treatment facility that lets me write ALL I WANT in my FREE time. Meaning, once all my shiz is done.  And heaven knows, I've been aching to write, with lots to write about! So hopefully I'm able to spit out a post or two every week on just about everything from adoption, to hippi mafias, to marriage, to life lessons, to comedy, and more.  I'm super excited.  I've had hundreds of ideas just mulling over in my head for months, with no time to write them down.  So, I plan on spending a lot of my summer organizing those thoughts and putting them out there on the internet where they can now and forever be used against me...sounds good to me:) 

SO, the other day I was working and due to the nature of the facility I work at, there were motivational quotes and sayings just about every where I looked.  I spent a few minutes reading some, connecting them with people or places I knew.  Ideas I had.  Or experiences I'd been through.  One quote in particular triggered my thoughts to commence down memory lane. And it had this effect, because my life has been FULL of mistakes. Absolutely full.  But I say that with no underlying implication of remorse.  The quote said, "A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." And after I withdrew my thoughts from memory lane I thought, "Wait a second. So, a life like mine must be pretty damn useful right?" Here I was for the first time in a long time, acknowledging my worth as a human being.  As a citizen.  As a wife.  As a daughter, birth mother, friend, sister....As ME. 

We hear it all the time.  We.Are.Our.Own.Worst.Critic.  And it's true.  Unless unsuspecting fame has caused your head to swell, then you're like the rest of us.  You don't fathom your worth.  So, being part of the majority who has yet to enjoy the comforting bliss of fame, I naturally, continually demean myself.  Forgetting that I've made wonderful, yes wonderful, mistakes.  Mistakes that have led me to places and people I never would have beforehand seen or known.  Mistakes that have changed my body, mind, and soul forever and molded me into someone that deserves to be loved by the one person who mostly definitely should...myself. 

So, there I was, having a moment.  I noted my honor.  I noted my usefulness.  And I noted to always try and remember that a life like mine will never stop turning.  AND THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT.  Because like the quote says, the more mistakes you make, the more useful you are to yourself and those around you. The more mistakes you make, the more people you can relate to.  The more mistakes you make, the more open you are to life's experiences.  And the last thing I ever want to do is stop learning, stop meeting new people, and stop LIVING.

Throughout the weeks that followed, this quote would arbitrarily pop into my head.  I'd be sitting at home, getting down on myself cause I couldn't finish a stupid homework problem.  Or I'd be standing in the mirror cursing because I have birthing hips and saggy boobs.  Or I'd get mad at myself for ruining what was supposed to be a nice dinner for Spenser and I.  But then my thought process would change.  And all of a sudden I wasn't stupid, I just needed a brain break.  Or I wasn't ugly and fat, I had a beautiful body, one that had given birth to a beautiful baby girl.  Or I wasn't a failing wife, just lacking skill in the culinary department. This was ground breaking for me.  To be conscious of all the times throughout each consecutive day I was demeaning myself.  And then to reverse those thoughts and turn them in to something more reasonable.  I felt better, I felt CLEANER when I could remind myself of all the things I've done RIGHT  because I've done WRONG. 

This new thing I'm doing, this change in thought, has altered my mood immensly.  I'm happier, I'm less stressed, and I'm more grateful. It's a work in progress, but I don't plan on halting the efforts any time soon.  These kinds of things, these patterns of change, they take time.  But I know they're worth it.  Now, the main reason I bring this up is not to expound on my most recent self discoveries, that's boring. I bring this up for something much more important.  

During the week before finals I was riding the campus shuttle to class.  Sometimes rides on said shuttle can become slightly awkward due to there being only two rows of benches, placed on either side of the bus.  So every passenger faces their fellow riders, hopelessly avoiding eye contact or the urge to stare.  However, on this particular day I rejected all social cues held withing my subconscious and just stared.  I stared. At each and every girl riding the bus with me that day.  Why? Because it was just that. An entire bus full of women. Not a single male inhabited a seat on those two rows. And these women were of all different shapes and sizes.  All different races, religions, background, majors. . . all very different.  In more ways than one. However, the one thing it took less than 30 seconds for me to realize we all had in common, was how much we DIDN'T and maybe couldn't, fathom our worth.  I was feeling self conscious that day without makeup. And that's ALL I could think about. The girl on my right,attemping discreteness, had her cell phone off so she could examine every square inch of her face through the screen's reflection.  The lady across from me was overweight, and never looked up from the ground.  The woman on the end of my row looked beaten and abused, torn down tired.  And the woman on my left kept fidgeting with her hair, her nails, her makeup, her clothes. None of us seemed comfortable in our own skin.  Not one of us seemed happy.  And not one of us seemed to be believe we.were.beautiful.  

I'm not kidding when I say I had a sudden, strong epiphany.  I pulled out my cell pone and sent myself a text that said, "and not one of us believed we were beautiful" so that I could remember that moment, sort it out in my brain, and write about it later.  Which is why I'm here, relaying that story now. Because after I realized what was taking place on that bus, I felt sick.  Absolutely sick to my stomach to know that most women, most divine daughters of God, don't believe they are beautiful.  Don't fathom their worth.  And how sad, how heart breaking is that? To me, I wanted to cry.  Sounds a little emotional and extreme but it broke my heart. Because I have a daughter.  I know what it's like to love a little girl more than life itself.  And if I EVER heard her thoughts.  And if they were EVER like the thoughts I feed myself on the days I don't wear makeup.  Or the days I don't ace a test.  I would be torn, my heart would be confounded with grief.  I would wonder how she couldn't comprehend her beauty.  Her worth.  How she couldn't possibly see her strengths, her strong points. I would do everything in my power to help her FATHOM HER WORTH.

 It's all too easy for us to understand someone else's worth without ever fully comprehending our own. I've understood Sophie's worth since the day she was born.  And nothing about that could ever change. But I'm in my twenties...and I STILL don't fully understand my own.  I sill don't love myself the way I should.  

In this moment I thought of my Heavenly Father, and how he must feel, as a Father, every time I've hated myself.  Or hated the mistakes I've made.  And then I multiplied that by all the people in Earth's history who've hated themselves at one point or another. And I tried once more, to comprehend how that must make Him feel.  From my standpoint as a birth mother, as someone vulnerable to how her daughter view's herself, I could only imagine.  I suddenly held this strong conviction.  To try as much as possible, not to add to His pain.  

And not just for His sake, but for mine. And to know that my life, one absouletely full of wonderful mistakes, is worth a lot.

Marriage Learning: Let The Good Times Roll

So I'm back, wedding was FANTASTIC, honey moon even better, newlywed life, INCREDIBLE. And I'll most likely do a post on all that very soon, when I get pictures back from our photographer.  But for now, I thought it'd be fun to post a few things Spenser and I have quickly learned, as newlyweds:)

As you all know, nothing and no one can fully prepare you for married life. You kinda just close your eyes and jump into the water hoping your fourth grade swim lessons were adequate.  But that's what it's all about.  LEARNING.  And growing together as you learn.  Now Spenser and I have only been married a few weeks so we're not experts on anything, but we have learned SOME things. And here, I will share.

Sometimes I want to have full conversations early in the morning, or really late at night, and Spenser doesn't like it.  Go figure? Maybe because it's been a long day and he's either trying to catch every possible minute of sleep or he's ready to pass out.  I suck at this. And he puts up with me so well, but I've gotten better I swear. There's just something about beds....they make me wanna do anything but sleep.

As funny as this meme is, I have to disagree. Believe it or not I DO want Spenser's opinion on just about everything.  Turns out, it drives me CRAZY when we're making a decision and he hasn't formed an opinion on it yet.  To me, if my man has an opinion or an idea, it means he's been listening, and he's genuinely involved.  And each day of our marriage I'm learning more and more about just how much Spenser really DOES listen and DOES care, I just need to give him two seconds to formulate in his brain exactly how to say it, otherwise, like ol' Cosby, it's just easier to repeat what I said.  

Oh.my.gosh. Best part of marriage.  Okay, one of the best parts.  But the feeling I get at the end of each day when I realize, "Oh ya, I get to go home to Spenser tonight.  We get to get ready for bed together, and then cuddle all the way to sleep, and wake up the next day with all the sheets on his side, and half my body off the edge...this is FANTASTIC!" There's somethin about it, I LOVE having daily sleep overs:)

This is what I've learned.  Any space Spenser and I had, any boundaries or barriers, are now gone. Privacy? Ya, maybe in your journal. But that's about it. There's no such thing as being too close, or too clingy. At least not yet....And turns out, I'm a lot more touchy feely than I thought.  I'm not the type, and my love language isn't affection, though Spenser's is.  HOWEVER, if Spenser is in the same room as me, I lose all concentration and I just wanna touch him, hug him, bug him, bite his shoulder, cuddle up next to him, it doesn't matter.  I can't ever get enough!!! I don't get it!!! And that leads me to the next one....

I think I must be so annoying. He doesn't tell me I am.  He probably never would even if I was.  But heck, I would be so annoyed with me.  I'm giddy all the time, completely non-serious, and crazy clingy.  Not like gross high school girlfriend in public clingy.  It's just when we're home together, and I finally have him all to myself.  I don't know what's gotten in to me, but we love it so who cares!!!

Ahhh:) *sigh* Being married is so conducive to making your spouse dislike someone they've never even met.  It sounds so wrong, and I think HATE is a strong word, but when there's someone at work, or in the family that is just really making your life a living hell, what better thing than to go home and tell your husband or wife? And have them completely agree with absolutely everything you say? No more pent up anger or frustration here people, I've found the perfect outlet.

This is probably one of the best lesson I've ever learned.  And it took being with Spenser for me to learn it.  I've always been stubborn, hard headed, and set it my ways.  And still am.  But now I find myself completely willing to drop all my pride whenever a disagreement rolls around.  Wrong or right, I'd rather make Spenser feel loved by me through anything than win an argument, or convince him I'm right. If we get upset over something, I internally start to panic and realize my big mouth can shut up for a time, and resolve the issue with kindness.  That sounds so simple, and is probably something most of you a;ready do.  But it is SO NEW for me.  I've never felt like that before in a relationship, because I've never cared this much.

Anyway, short post.  My fingers were aching to write.  And more is coming very soon.  More wedding, humor, and finally adoption (haven't posted on that in awhile).  Later!  

The Final Countdown!!!!

I can hardly believe it's finally here...Five days until I get to become Mrs. Carrier.  It feels like we've been awaiting this moment for a VERY.LONG.TIME. Oh ya...cause we have been.  Our wedding day has been a long time coming and we couldn't be more excited.  Now I'm not the romantic type, and I don't particularly enjoy reading blogs or FB posts that are all mushy and contain the "I love him, he's the best husband ever!" type stuff.  It makes me ill, not because I'm single and jealous (though I HAVE been there), but because no one wants to hear that stuff over and over and over again.  Your marriage is great.  We get it.  Write about something else.

So, I am allowing myself this one time (for a long time anyway) to completely gross all of you out with how much I love and adore my hubby to be. And to express my feelings toward our relationship and lives together.  And just to straight up let you know how freaking excited I am to be married, at last.

So, I'll begin....

Spenser and I have known each other for three years.  Dated for 1 and 1/2, and been engaged for 1. We've been through some major ups and downs due to some serious freak accidents in my own life and he's stuck through it all like a champ.  The past couple years have been so vital to us. We've grown together in ways I never could have imagined and are so much more prepared for the challenges and excitement marriage can bring. Spenser balances our relationship and keeps us grounded with his level headedness and calm personality.  I never could have married someone like me. It would have been total and utter chaos ending in one nasty, ugly divorce.  Spenser is quite frankly, by definition, my soul mate.  My other half.  My partner in crime;) Without him, I would never know how or when to calm down.  I wouldn't know how to give myself a day off.  I wouldn't know how to relax and not worry about things that just don't matter. Without him, I wouldn't be the woman I am today, ready to commit myself to another man, and dedicate my life TO HIM.  To Loving him. Supporting him. And continually standing in awe at how lucky I am to have found him.

It took me awhile to grow up and realize the quiet guys are the nice ones. And the nice guys are the ones who will love you despite your shortcomings.  Spenser and I are so opposite in so many ways, I've really started to believe this whole "opposites attract" type thing. His love language is physical touch and affection, mine is acts of service.  We've promised each other to try harder each day to fulfill each other's love language, and be sure that neither of us doubts for a second how much we are loved by the other. I make a conscious effort to give as many hugs, kisses, back massages, or whatever! And he, well he does just about everything for me.  Washes dishes, cleans house, makes the bed, builds stuff, and one of my favorites, he writes:)  He writes the best, most romantic, sincere love letters ever.  And I get them quite often.  They're my absolute favorite surprises to receive from him.  He is constantly telling me how much he loves me, how beautiful  I am, how smart, how amazing. And those are all things I need to hear. He is a total gentleman, and would never say or do anything to hurt me.  He was raised by some pretty amazing people, because he is simply just that. Amazing.

So, I just wanna talk for a sec about us, as people, as individuals with ideas, goals, and standards of our own.  Spenser and I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  We are Mormons.  Therefore, on our wedding day we will have the incredible opportunity to be married in the house of our Lord.  We chose the Mount Timpanogos Temple because it's near where we both grew up, and it's absolutely gorgeous.  As Mormons, we are required to live certain standards in order to enter His house and partake of the sacred covenants held within.  These standards include sustaining and supporting all our church leaders, paying a full tithe, living the law of chastity, being honest in all our dealings, and so on. The reason I bring this up is because these laws are NOT easy.  They require a lot of faith. And they are NOT taken lightly.  The things that go on in the temple are very serious, and very eternal. I have wanted a temple marriage since I was a little girl.  I always told myself, ESPECIALLY after I gave birth to my daughter, that when I got married, I wanted to be able to kneel across that altar and KNOW that I DESERVED to be there.

Spenser and I are not perfect.  We've made mistakes, individually and collectively.  We've had to work really hard to be where we are.  Spiritually progression is constant and ongoing. It takes work. And it is KEY to marriage.  Whether you're catholic, protestant, or mormon, it doesn't matter.  Spirituality can keep a marriage strong when otherwise, it would fail.  So, I can't wait.  I CAN NOT WAIT. To finally make it to the temple.  I've worked my butt off to get there and I feel I will appreciate it that much more because of it.  The fact that I get to share this experience with the love of my life is beyond thrilling for me.  I can hardly sit still thinking about it.

Many people I interact with on a daily basis are not LDS.  Many of my family members are not LDS. And I love it! And often times, when someone new learns I'm a Mormon it's not uncommon for me to hear, "Really? Then why do you have a tattoo?" "Didn't you get pregnant" "I thought you weren't a a virgin?" "You never go to church".....And to all those I have to say, "Yup, I'm a Mormon, AND I'm human." Isn't Mormonism about service, sacrifice, endurance, faith, love, and forgiveness? Not about who's better at giving sacrament talks, or who doesn't watch rated R movies? I have a tattoo because it was a choice I made after I placed my daughter for adoption.  I got pregnant in high school, and made the best of it. And I don't get to go to church very often because I'm busy working most Sundays caring for special needs children. None of those affect my relationship with my Heavenly Father or my faith in Christ.  I established a VERY personal relationship with God when I was 17 and have managed to maintain it ever since.  It takes consistent effort and communication, and it is one thing I will NEVER neglect. So yes, I say damn, shit, and hell and I think tattoos are cool. But I have a testimony of my Savior and Heavenly Father strong enough to endure just about anything.  I would do anything for them because I know they do everything for me.

I feel like telling a quick story.  Way back when Spenser and I first started dating we were both living in Orem.  One night we were lying next to each other just talking and he told me something I would never forget.  He said that if he ever felt like he was losing me, he would fight for me. His comment took us both by surprise because he's not that type. It was a step forward in our relationship for us to realize that we were developing into something neither of us would willingly let go if something were to happen.  Well, nothing required fighting for quite some time.  Until I got sick and he had to rush me to the ER for the first time. Until I got hurt in Africa and lost my memory. Until I had to get open heart surgery in Minnesota...until he realized that choosing to be with me was going to be an even bigger commitment than he could have imagined. An even bigger struggle.  And one night last fall I just couldn't understand his patience. So I asked him, "Why did you stick around through it all? Why? You didn't deserve this." To which he said, "I told you I would fight for you."

It was that moment I realized he wasn't going anywhere. And that I could trust him not to leave my side, no matter what.  It was then that I knew we were going to be together and that he was going to walk me through some extremely difficult years, but that I couldn't do it without him.  I just hoped, and still hope, that I can give him as much as he gives me and that I can show him how much I love and appreciate his commitment to us.

So, I just want to say again, how excited I am to finally be HERE. In this time and place, ready to enter the temple and be married and sealed to Spenser. With family and friends there to witness the event and experience our special day with us. I've never been so in love with another human being, so willing to do anything to make them happy. The thought of going through life's experiences with him, having kids together, traveling, buying a house, laughing, crying, all of it...is so exciting:)  We have so many goals, so many aspirations. And I know we'll get there with time, patience, hard work and a lot of love.   So, in five days I get to slip on my gorgeous wedding dress, eat some cake, and dance with my daddy.  Then, it's off to Vegas for the best week of my life...so far;) Where I'm going to put aside everything, except ME & HIM.

And it's going to be wonderful.

See you in a couple weeks.

My Unedited Thoughts on a Few Things...

Okay so you can probably tell from the title that this post is going to have nothing to do with adoption or my love story.  Instead of doing a continuation of my previous posts I wanted to write a quick blurb about some thoughts I've been having lately.  I just want to throw them out there, maybe plant a few seeds of thought in your head.  I don't ever expect the world to agree with me.  That would be ignorant and naive all at the same time. I appreciate differences, differences are what make this world go round. However, there are some things about people, including myself, that I just DON'T understand. And I wanna see if I'm the only one...So here I have listed a few things accompanied with some meme's, and then my thoughts on the matter.  Hopefully this post is more entertaining than anything else, I'm not looking to start a riot or be taken seriously.  This is just me, throwing crap out there for the world to hear:)

Item number one: Kim freaking Kardashian A.K.A. I'msodumbbuti'mhotsowhocares


Jay-Z and Beyonce, I couldn't agree with you more.

Everyone knows who the Kardashians are right? Well if you don't, heaven has blessed your untainted soul.  And I envy you.  What happened to our nation?! I'll tell you what.  Celebrities and athletes started getting paid more than doctors and teachers and now every thing's just screwed up.  Our society, THE MEDIA, places value on the most worthless items, and the most WORTHLESS PEOPLE. Who gives a crap what Lindsay Lohan wore her first day out of prison.  And who gives an even bigger crap why Kim Kardashian got knocked up by freaking Kanye (bless his soul) while still married to her Ex husband!?!? Oh my gosh, k we gotta calm down.  I'm starting to get heated over here.  All I'm trying to say is I hate it.  I hate all of it.  There is SO much money and time wasted on these people who do absolutely nothing for anyone else and who embody the very things I abhor.  Like materialism, dishonesty, adultery, and let's face it, stupidity.  I wish they'd all just...go away.  Buy a freaking island off the coast of Antarctica and all live there. BYE.

Item number two: people who don't like animals, especially the furry ones.



Okay, so maybe you're allergic.  Then you and your allergies can leave and never come back.  It's not my fault your parents' genes messed you up...forever.  So if we're gonna be friends you either down a whole bottle of benadryl before stepping foot into my house, or ya better just not come in.  Because the second you bad mouth my dog or cat, shoo him out of the room, or tell him he STINKS AND YOU DON'T LIKE HIM! I'm gonna freak out and claim self defense when the police show up.  And for those of you who just don't like the animals. PERIOD. I don't even know what to say to you.  The meme said it all.

Item number three: Mark Wahlberg



Okay, so I actually TOTALLY get this. And why you'd want to stare at it and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. In fact, Spenser and I both get it.  So, I had to share:) For your viewing pleasure. That's all.

Item number four: Stupid people and their stupid brains



Right?! When I saw this meme online I was like THANK YOU! People are so dumb.  I'm not going to go up to one of my gay friends and ask, "Hey man, so how bout all this gay marriage debate? What do ya say? Pretty ridiculous right?... What?! You support it!? Holy crap I can't breathe. I'm so upset.  Everyone's gonna find out.  What are people gonna say? Blah Blah Blah..." Seriously? C'mon.  What kills me is when the president of Chick fil a issued a statement against gay marriage and the country was in OUTRAGE what were all the gays doin? Eating at his restaurants.  Unintelligent FOX news devotees were saying, "How dare he discriminate, how dare he voice something like that, and so on so forth."  While the rest of us said, "Uh, hello! We already knew he AND his company standards were staunchly Christian, so don't act like you just found out your mother's baby has two heads!" You're making yourself look stupid.  And secondly, I just want to thank all those intelligent homosexuals who openly supported the president of chick fil a by actually purchasing food items and eating them at his restaurants. Why would they do that you ask? Because they support FREEDOM. That's what the president of this fast food chain was exercising right? Freedom of speech? Isn't that what gay's want? Freedom? See, they're on the same team:) How nice. So shut up and leave. And take your stupid questions with you.

Item number five: I'm pretty stupid sometimes too



Okay so now that I just poked pretty hard at all you FOX news idiots I feel kinda bad. So here's a little jab at myself.  Observe above meme....Ever experienced that? Ya, well I DO THAT. All the time.  To Spenser. And it makes him so mad.  I can't help that when we're sitting, he's reading, and I'm thinking "I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored. I need some attention. I want you. HEY. YOU! I'M HOTTER THAN THAT BOOK YOU'RE READING!" that eventually I verbalize those very thoughts and start pouncin around like a freaking kitten on steroids. It works.  I get his attention, though slightly negative.  Until he warms up to the idea of a nice cuddle sesh.  Then he calms down, and I'm calm cause I finally got what I wanted, so it's like this perfect, calm get together we never would have had, had I not convinced him I'm much better than his book.

Item number six: What the heck, I have bags under my eyes



So the other morning I woke up and walked into the bathroom feeling like crap. Story of my life.  I looked in the mirror and holy Sh*! I had massive bags under my eyes. Pardon my false expletive but I'm not kiddin you.  I looked like I had eaten a little too much the night before and stored it under my eyes for the days to come in case our food storage ran out.  It was like all those nights I hadn't slept had finally caught up to me.  Usually I can pull off this "oh don't worry, I didn't sleep last night, but I can still get ready and keep it together" look. Mmmhmmm, not that day.  It did NOT happen that day. And I got a little upset.  Nope, that's keeping it mild.  I got A LOT upset.  I cried.  It was a mix of no sleep, ever.  Lack of carbs.  No make-up on yet so I'm gross faced.  I have to work today.  I have a test tomorrow. I smell bad.  I think I'm hormonal.  And...WHY IS IT, when I want to sleep, I CAN'T. And when I can't sleep, I REALLY want to??? Every single stinkin night I go through this with myself. It's like a never ending torture that I've been cursed with because...well....probably because I'm a Ginger.  Every night, around eleven o clock I think to myself, "Oh wow, I'm exhausted. I'm gonna go to bed now. Ya, that sounds good." So, I get all ready.  Lookin all cute and cozy in my flannel pajamas, I cuddle under the duvet, and rest my head on my nice, soft pillow. AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS?! "Holy Crap! Unicorns! Rainbows! Iguanas! Ice Cream! Chickens! Fuzzies! School hurts! Mary Kate and Ashley! Campbell's! Movies! Money! I MUST CLEAN! WOW!" And it just doesn't stop.  For like...mmmm...three hours most nights.  And then when I finally fall asleep I wake up every hour cause my dreams are so intense i just can't even stay asleep! What a life right? I tell ya, I'm livin' the dream. Woah...no pun intended.

Item number seven: Where did Michael Scott go?:(



This is my last item.  I just wanted to see if I was the only one completely left in ruins when Michael Scott left The Office.  I mean, what the heck is Steve doing now? You don't see him anywhere else! It's not like he wanted a normal life, free from all the fortune and fame. Free to be with friends, family, and loved ones.  Free to be someone other than Michael Scott for a change...No way.  He wouldn't want that.  Ya, well maybe he did. But I miss him and all his glory. I love you Steve, come back. Forever.  

Okay, so those are a few things I've been thinkin about lately and just wanted to chuck out there.  Hope they were thought provoking or at least, entertaining.  I enjoyed writing for you today.  Until next time!

Me & Him: From...Him

So for a while now Spenser and I have been mulling over the idea of letting him create a post.  He wants to say a thing or two, give the world a chance to hear it all from his side.  And I figured, why the heck not!? This should be fun...;) So, without further ado, I give you,  (part of) the other side to our story. . .

-----------------------------

So ShaNae asked me to write in her blog this time around since she is swamped with school, work and wedding planning. Obviously, all of us who read ShaNae’s blog know what an amazing writer she is. I apologize in advance if I bore any readers. She will be back writing soon.

There is so much I could write about, but again, to avoid boring people and making this post twenty pages long I’ll try to keep my comments sweet and simple.

The first thing I need to write about is the first time we met. ShaNae wrote a post not too long ago talking about that very thing. But it's all wrong. She says that it was at Chili’s with another friend but she is very much mistaken. Here is the real story of how we first met.

My best friend at the time was living down in Provo. I would usually go down after work or on the weekends and we would chill. I had just gotten out of a relationship so we were two bachelors who didn’t have a care in the world. After a few weeks he started hanging out with this girl who later became his girlfriend. And I kept hanging out with them since I didn’t have any other friends, so we became the three amigos and did everything together. 

One night I got a call from this friend saying that we were going to do something crazy for the weekend and that I needed to get down as soon as I was done with work. He told me that his girlfriend had brought her best friend along to hang out with us.  I didn’t think much of it at the time since I had recently gotten out of a relationship and wasn't on the prowl. I just thought it would be nice to have someone else there for conversation.

Once I got down to the house in Provo they were all waiting for me. Then we were deciding what crazy things we could do for the weekend. THAT'S when ShaNae and I met for the first time. (Unless you ask her…She has no memory of this night. Probably because she too, had recently gotten out of a relationship and had no interest in the opposite gender.) Anyway, no one had any great ideas until my buddy and I decided to go to the store for some dry ice and make a dry ice bomb in the park near his house. So we went to the store and got all the needed material. Then, later, to the park so no one would be walking through as we were making it. It turned out to be one of the biggest fails ever. Nothing even happened. We stood out there watching it for probably an hour before we decided to go up and see why it hadn't gone off. The dry ice had melted a hole in the plastic bottle and let out all the water...oh. That's why...

This whole time we were all talking about random things but mostly ShaNae and I were along for the ride while our best friends were doing their thing. I guess I didn’t make an impression on ShaNae because I didn’t talk much and I didn’t try to impress her because she made it clear she was not looking for any type of relationship and in fact hated most males at this moment in her life.

The next time we met was at Chili’s with her friend, which is the first time she remembers meeting me. After that, all four of us started hanging out together, going to parties or just chillin on the weekends. Throughout these few months, ShaNae always made it clear that she was not looking for a relationship so I never tried anything with her. But that wasn't exactly what I wanted. I remember from the first time meeting her that I was attracted to her. Not just because she was a gorgeous ginger, but because of her personality as well. She wasn’t like other girls I had dated or been friends with in the past. She was much more…real. If I had one word to describe ShaNae it would be REAL. Because she doesn’t ever put a mask on for anyone or ever pretend to be someone she isn’t. If she didn’t like you she would tell you to your face instead of pretending to get along with you. At first it took me by surprise, and I’m not going to lie I was intimidated by her, which is another reason I didn’t try to ask her out or anything. We were just friends who hung out on the weekends and no more. But again, I didn’t try anything with her because she made it clear that she hated men…not because I didn’t want to. She always intrigued me though and I felt myself becoming more and more attracted to her the better I got to know her. But all I could do was be myself and see if she started to trust people again and see where we could go. Then when the summer came along and she stopped hanging out with us I was a bit disappointed. There goes this amazing girl who I had started to fall for and she never even knew. And for all I knew I would never see her again.

Well that is my side of the story of how we met and the first few months of our crazy relationship. Since she is much better at writing and storytelling I’ll let her tell the rest of our story. But I would like to take some time to embarrass her and maybe tell everyone some things she wouldn’t otherwise tell.  Hopefully she doesn’t get too mad at me.

First thing that I find funny is the terrible luck she has with cops. She hasn’t had a single run in with the law that had gone her way. I on the other hand am the exact opposite. I have only had one speeding ticket which was when I was seventeen, and every time I have been pulled over since I have had a cool police officer who was super nice and let me off with a warning. This doesn’t make her happy either…Don’t even ask her how many times she has been pulled over. She finally had her license suspended because she had too many points on her record. Let just say that I do most of the driving when we are together.

One of our favorite things to do together is to go rock climbing at the Quarry in Provo. ShaNae got me all my gear for Christmas and since then we have tried to go as often as possible. We are always looking for people to go with us on Friday nights since we get in two people for free with our passes (*winkwink*).

One of the funniest things I have ever witnessed has been when ShaNae had the hiccups. I was literally on the ground crying the first time she got them when we were together. I can’t even explain them; you just have to witness them for yourself to understand how funny they are. 

Every opportunity I have to brag about ShaNae, I take, and this seems like one of the best places to do just that. So...

Simply put, ShaNae is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. But, at the same time, one of the hardest. Which has been no one’s fault.  We just frequently question how after all the many things that have almost torn us apart, we've have managed to keep it together. All I can say is, and I’m sure that ShaNae will agree with me on this, the Big Man better be ready to start throwing some blessings our way. We need a break!!

The biggest blessing in my life is going to happen in a month from now when we are married for time and all eternity in the Temple of the Lord. It is something we both thought would happen later in our lives when we were either more established, more prepared, had more money or one of a thousand other reasons. But we decided that now is the time for us to finally tie the knot. (And I’m pretty sure if we wait any longer something else will happen. Between the amnesia and heart surgery and having to postpone the wedding this many times already, I’m not letting ShaNae out of my sight until we are married and I can go with her on her crazy adventures.)

I guess just to end I want to remind ShaNae how in love with her I am. I’ve never been a real touchy person; ShaNae has changed that for me. I have never been able to talk to people the way I can talk to ShaNae. I never pictured myself falling in love with such an amazing woman the way I have with ShaNae.  I have never had anyone motivate me to do things with my life until I met and fell in love with ShaNae.  In short she makes me a better person in all areas of my life. I love that she has goals in all aspects of her life including school, personal goals, religion and the family life we are going to start together. She is the most incredible woman I have ever met and once again I couldn’t be more grateful for her and I love her so much.