This Dream of Mine

Last night I had an incredible dream.  One that woke me with hopeful, happy tears and a sense of wonder for my own future.  The dream was simple, yet emotionally riveting.  And it was one that, unless you were me, would have held little significance.  In this dream I was at my high school’s track.  I was dressed in runner’s clothes and had on a nice, comfortable pair of jogging shoes.  The dream was through my eyes and as I looked up into the football stands I noticed they were full of people.  I made eye contact with my family and many others whom I had loved and known throughout the years.  In the dream I knew why they were all here.  I didn’t even have to wonder.  They were here to watch me run.  To support me as I ran my first mile…ever.  My sister held a little white flag at the start line and my brother was there with a video camera.  I smiled at them and nodded, giving them my go.  Then, a whistle blew and I was off.  I could hear people screaming and cheering me on, feeding the adrenaline rush that had already begun.  I could feel my heart beat faster and faster as I picked up the pace, anxious to finish.  I made it through the first two laps without skipping a beat.  Only two more to go.  I pushed forward knowing I was halfway there.  My heart was starting to ache and my chest hurt but in this dream I knew I could go on.  Nothing could stop me this time.  So I looked up as I passed the stands for the third time and I saw my mother’s face.  She cupped her hands around her mouth and yelled, “Go ShaNae! Don’t stop! You can do it!” And that’s all I needed.   I hit full throttle for the last lap, determined to see this through and before I knew it the finish line was just feet away.  For a split second, the world went silent.  I heard my heart beat, healthy and strong. An unfamiliar yet comforting sound.  I looked at the stands, and saw tears in my daddy’s eyes.  And then I was back, and I sprinted those last few steps across the finish line.  My heart exploded with relief.  And a joy that I cannot even begin to explain rushed through me like fire.  Tears swelled in my eyes and came streaming down my face as I collapsed myself to the floor, trembling with gratitude and overwhelmed by tears.  I felt my sister and brother at my side shaking my shoulders and yelling, “You did it! Can you believe you really did it!” Pretty soon everyone who knew my story was by my side offering hugs and congratulations, a show of support that meant the world to me.

And then, I woke up.  Crying.  It took me a second to realize what I’d just seen and once I grasped the emotion it hit me again, with full force, and I continued to cry. And I bet there are a few reading this wondering, “Why? What’s the big deal? This sounds like an over exaggerated story.  She ran a mile, so what?”  Well, let me explain.

For those who don’t know, the possibility of running a mile, even one lap for that matter, has been a distant dream of mine since I was ten years old.  Basically, for as long as I can remember.  I was born with a cardiac genetic defect called hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (HCM). This disease has been the thorn in my side all my life, keeping me in a cage when all I’ve ever wanted to do was fly.  I love sports, I love dancing, I love hiking, climbing, and so on! And I love travel! All of these things have proven to not only be impossible, but life threatening over the years.  When I was medically evacuated from Africa this summer, I hit a really low point.  And I started to think that maybe this was it.  I’d tried everything, and nothing ever worked out.  I always ended up hurt.  I’d hit my breaking point, and I made that very clear with God.  I was so hurt and broken at that point that I chose to make Him aware of what His trials were doing to me.  I’d had enough and didn’t think I could take anymore.  At least not for a while. Year after year something would go wrong and I always took it in stride.  I never felt like I couldn’t move on.  But for some reason this time I did.  And that scared me.  I knew something had to give or I was going to be in a whole lot of psychological trouble.  

So, when the day came that we heard I was now a candidate for this new procedure under investigation over at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota, we were thrilled.  I couldn’t believe it.  Could there really be a cure after all? One that would allow me to walk up a flight of stairs without being completely winded? I tried to picture such a life, but decided it was best to expect the worst and hope for the best.  That way, I wouldn’t get hurt, again.  So, we waited week after week for more information to come flooding in and this is what the final deal was.   A certain Cardiovascular Surgeon at the Mayo Clinic had been performing an investigational surgery for eight years now, with only an approximate number of fifty patients who underwent the procedure.  The long term results and success of this procedure are unknown, due to its short existence.  Some of the patients were unable to feel a difference after surgery and continue to struggle on a day to day basis.  Others received optimal results and can now perform activities they’ve never done before.  However, good or bad immediate results give no heed to what long term looks like.  The doctors and surgeons couldn’t tell me what this surgery would do to me ten years down the road.  But they could tell me that even with good results, my heart muscle could still ulitimately fail ten years from now and require us to re-evaluate my situation.  Basically, it was a gamble.  But once we reviewed my options and knew my only other choice was heart transplant, it felt right.  And completely worth the risk.

So, on August 8^th I underwent my first open-heart surgery.  The operation took about six hours and went very well.  Turns out, my surgeon was able to remove more diseased muscle than he thought he would.  In the ICU, I remember waking up gagging, trying to remove the tubes that were down my throat.  Someone’s voice told me, “ShaNae, we can’t take those out until you can stay awake.  Stay awake.” So I tried.  But I couldn’t.  I drifted in and out of sleep several times, gagging and cringing at the pain every time I awoke.  But finally I managed to fight the leftover anesthesia and they removed the tubes.  Now that was painful.  And even now, ten days later, my throat is raw and I sound like a man.  But what a small price to pay, so no complaints here.  The next three days were spent in the hospital.  I had wonderful nurses who worked with me to keep my pain under control and make me as comfortable as possible.  Though I can’t say I ever felt comfortable when awake.  Turns out that opening your chest cavity places extreme pressure on your neck and back, resulting in emanating pain for months.  And I HATE pain pills.  They make me sick so I opted not to have them and toughed it out.  The recovery has so far been what I expected.  Really painful, nauseating, and extremely tiring.  But hey, at least I have a cool scar to look at whenever I get bored.   

  I was able to be discharged three days after surgery.  We spent the next few at a nearby hotel.  Those days were a living hell.  I can’t explain them and quite frankly never want to go back there so, moving on.  Once we left the hotel we drove a couple hours away to a small town just outside the Twin Cities.  Most of my blog readers know I have a daughter.  A beautiful little girl named Sophie that I placed for adoption when she was born.  Typically I dedicate my posts on this blog to adoption so  I hope that fact of my life is pretty clear.  A month before I left for Africa her parents informed me that they would be moving.  I was DEVASTATED.  For lots of reasons but mostly because I thought the change would tear us apart.  Well, I got over myself and I’m extremely happy for them and excited to see what’s in store.  I mention all this because Sophie and her family just so happened to be moving to Minnesota.  The same week I was due for surgery.  Irony?  I don’t think so.  Blessing is more like it.  They made it to Minnesota two days after my surgery and managed to stop by and say hello.  Talk about a Saving Grace.  Hospital rooms are miserable, so seeing them completely made my day.  So anyway, that small town we drove to after leaving the hotel was Sophie and the Fam’s new hometown.  We got to stay with them our final few days in Minnesota.  It was a tender mercy for sure.  We had lots of time together and watching those kids run around and play was all the entertainment I needed.  I myself wasn’t much fun for the kids so thank goodness my mom was there.  She kept them entertained and loved on all she could.  Sophie was sure my mom was just full of surprises.  Whether it was painting her nails, or putting pretties in her hair, there was no end to the fun my mom could produce.  I was over whelmed with gratitude for the Mathesons’ and their willingness to let us stay in their home.  We had so much fun and I can’t wait to go back when I’m acutally healthy and able. 

So! Speaking of healthy and able.  Now, I just wait.  I won’t be able to tell what the surgery did for me for at least two months.  I have to get past recovery and get my stamina back before I’ll be able to get active again and see what I can and cannot do.  So, am I anxious? YES! And these dreams of running and dancing and climbing fill my sleep each night.  I pray every day thanking my Heavenly Father for this miracle. Ten years ago, this surgery wasn’t even an option. Modern medicine is developing every single day.  Cures are restoring patients’ dreams each year. And even if this surgery doesn’t help me, it gave me hope.  And I can thank Him for that.  It’s amazing to me how He never gives up.  I can kick and scream and say I’m done but He knows I’m not and He does everything He has to for me to see that. He taught me that life is so complex.  There are so many things at work in our day to day lives that we don’t even know about.  And I'm just grateful to be here to see it all play out.  

Yesterday I had some wonderful friends stop by for a visit.  And they came bearing gifts! Look at this oh so creative care package I received!  It brightened up my day more than they know.  Just seeing them was enough and made me grateful for good friends.  They really are blessings from Above.

Thanks Mom and Dad

Surprise Everyone! This post is on Adoption:) I figured it was about time and I have something really important I want to write about.  So, here goes nothin’!

Last night, my sister and I were up talking about my past.  She said, “ShaNae, it’s weird for me to even think about how you were once pregnant, it’s as if it never happened.” And I said, “But it did, and SO much good change has come because of it.” To that she replied, “Oh I know, that’s what I mean! You’ve come so far, you’re not even that person anymore.” I couldn’t help but think for a second and realize that she was right.  I HAVE come so far and it’s all thanks to one HUGE mistake.  MY MISTAKE.  And that’s what I want to talk about.  

First off, Sophie is not a mistake, Sophie is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  The indiscretion I was a part of to get pregnant was the mistake.  And believe me, I have never felt the consequences of any decision so strongly as I did that one.  And I wasn’t the only one.  It affected my entire family and many others.  In more ways than one. 

When I got pregnant, my boyfriend (we'll call him Stephen) was living with us.  He had some severe circumstances at home and quite frankly had very few places to go.  My parents opened up their home to him for a time, with the agreement that he’d work to find a place of his own.  He was supposed to stay only a month, but ended up staying for five.   My parents weren’t dumb.  They knew having my boyfriend in the home was a bad idea.  They weren’t naïve.  They knew Stephen and I were messing around.  But I convinced them time and time again to keep him around because I was what people call a ‘saver’.  I wanted to save Stephen, change him, mold him.  What I was too young and inexperienced to realize is that you CAN’T change anyone, and quite frankly, it’s you that ends up changed and often pulled under with them.  So, five months after Stephen moved in, I ended up pregnant.  Having him around 24/7 forced us to become codependent and our relationship went too far.  We’d sneak out of the house and go somewhere to do exactly what we shouldn’t… It was the saddest ending to what I thought would be my Happily Ever After.     

As soon as we told my parents we were pregnant, of course they kicked Stephen out.  That’s a given.  My dad gave him 48 hours to get out, find someplace else to live.  We understood of course.  And let me say this.  I have NEVER in my entire life, felt so much guilt and remorse.  I had betrayed my parents trust in the worst way possible.  I had embarrassed them to the fullest extent.  I HATED MYSELF FOR THAT. So much so, it ate at me day in and day out.  I couldn’t look at them in the eye, I could barely even talk to them.

I was pregnant, I knew people were going to talk.  People always do.  But I was never one to care what people thought or said about me.  I did care however, what they were saying about those I loved most.  I hated that everyone in our neighborhood now thought one thing or another about my parents and their decision to let Stephen into our home.  My parents always had good intentions with Stephen, they were trying to help him, expose him to the gospel and a healthy home.  They didn’t think we’d go as far as to get pregnant.  But lots of people said things like, “Well duh, what’d you expect” or “We saw that one coming”. I know I hurt and embarassed my parents, but we got past that. They knew people were talking, but stood above that.  Our situation became complicated and all that mattered at that point was dealing with it the best way we could.  They let me know they were there as my support.  They helped me feel the love and hope that I needed to make a critical decision concerning my child’s future.  Basically, my parents were Rock Stars.  And it didn’t hit me until last night that I’ve never put that in writing.  There were times when some harsh judgments were thrown at my parents, judgments they didn’t deserve.  I made the mistake to get pregnant, not them.  They trusted me.  I betrayed that trust and have worked LONG and HARD to get it back.  I love my parents for what they did for me those long nine months.  And they taught me so much about faith and forgiveness.  I can’t thank them enough for supporting me to this day with my decision to place Sophie for adoption. 

So, I guess you could say I felt the need to tell the world how awesome my parents are;)   ha And I hope this post did the job.  I couldn’t have done it without them.  Thanks for all you do and all you put up with mom and dad.  I love you!!!

What the?!

My last blog post had nothing to do with adoption.  This one will be the same.

Like I’ve said before, my blog is the best and easiest way for me to spread word to family and friends about certain aspects of my life.  And as many of you already know, my life has taken some crazy, unexpected turns lately.  I have heard some interesting rumors about myself through the grapevine and have finally decided to write yet another post so many may know exactly what’s going on and no longer have to perform any guess work. 

So, I’ll start by saying that yes, I am home from Africa.  Shouldn’t be (in my opinion) but I am. God has a plan for me as cliché as that sounds, and it apparently wasn’t in line with mine.  I was engaged before I left, to be married in September.  And I planned on living in Tanzania until August 23^rd.  None of that is happening now.  I’m no longer engaged, and I only spent four weeks in Africa.  Because of my last post, most people already know what took place for me to have to come home.  I had two heart attack type episodes where I passed out completely, all within 48 hours and was medically evacuated back to the states.  A lot of people ask me, “Did you see it coming?” and my answer is NO.  No one did.  Even my cardiologist here in Utah who has been over my care since I was diagnosed with heart disease at the age of 11 doesn’t understand how any of it happened.  The circumstances were not ones under which I would normally give out.  I was slightly dehydrated but that’s about all we can come up with.  Lab results also showed I was depleted of Potassium, but that doesn’t make sense either considering I inhaled approximately 10 bananas a day and was fed lots of green veggies for dinner…  And the fact that it happened two days in a row and I felt perfectly fine both times makes no sense to anyone.  Basically, it was a perfect storm.  There were things at work beyond my understanding or knowledge and I’m still trying to grasp it all.

As for the engagement…

This is part of the story I have yet to detail publicly, until now.  Before I left to Africa I was head over hills in love.  In fact, thanks to my journal, I know how hard it was to get on that plane and know I wouldn’t see Spenser again for four months.  It was miserable, but I did it.  And once I got to Tanzania, and fell in love with its people, culture, and my team, I didn’t want to leave.  It quickly became home for me and I was extremely happy there.  That doesn’t mean I didn’t miss home and I didn’t miss Spenser, because believe me, I did.  But I knew I’d see them again so I put all my focus into what I was working on there.  I was just starting to delve into some really important projects when everything happened and I was sent home.  So you can imagine my disappointment when I heard I’d never complete what I started.  Now, in case I didn’t mention in my last post, when I passed out the first time I hit my head REALLY hard.  I woke up in the hospital with my first concussion , and it hurt like the dickens.  All I remember from that day is throwing up due to the head trauma.  The second time I passed out I didn’t hit my head but my doctors here think I had seizure like activity that resulted in amnesia.  Yup, amnesia.  I’ve grown to hate that word haha it’s caused a lot of confusion over the past 6 weeks.  Here’s the deal.  When I think back to those days in the Arusha and Nairobi hospitals, it’s a total blur.  I remember I was there over the span of three days, and I remember who I was with, but the exact details and events of each day are a complete blur.  What I wrote down in my last post is mostly what I know from the people who were with me when it all took place.  As for my own memories, they are very limited.  And not just from that weekend, but from what we’ve been able to calculate, the five months prior to my departure.  When I woke up in Nairobi I felt sick about coming home to America, to a fiancé.  What I didn’t necessarily realize at the time was WHY I felt that way. It took me a while to see that I was missing lots of memory and that even my day to day short term was botched.  I had to REALLY try each morning to think about what took place the day before.  That problem lasted about three weeks.  What was most frustrating for me was not being able to make sense of my own thoughts and feelings.  I felt like my brain was completely out of sorts and I was not only thinking differently, I was saying weird things, acting strange, and feeling off.  My neurologist said those are all normal symptoms for a brain recovery, so at least I was ‘normal’ to some extent.  However, to this day, I still have missing memories.  Lots of them have come back as my brain has healed, especially if someone shows me pictures or tells me of a particular event.  Then the memory usually floods in, but with very little detail.   

Ever seen the new movie The Vow? Well, story of my life.  I called off the engagement because I don’t remember falling that deeply in love, receiving my ring, or planning a wedding.  I know who Spenser is because I knew him much more than five months prior to my trip.  But those five months were vital to our relationship, that’s when things really took a turn and started moving forward. THAT’S WHEN WE MADE THE DECISION TO GET MARRIED. And I don’t even remember it…So, you could say we’re starting from square one, but things are going great and moving forward at a startling pace.  I’ve gone back to my Africa journal, and the emails I sent him while I was gone, and it’s obvious I had strong feelings for the man.  And the more time I spend with him now that I’m home it’s obvious why I felt that way.  We’re not engaged yet…again.  But I wouldn’t be surprised if it happens soon.  We are taking our time, neither of us feel marriage is something to rush, especially after all that has taken place. 

So,  it’s been exactly a month now since I got home and I’m really waiting on one big, important thing.  Surgery!  Until I know when I'm getting the heart surgery I can't plan a wedding, I can't get a real job, and I can't move forward with school (because all of the above are going to be affected by a four month recovery)...ya, it's super frustrating.  I'm kinda just floating right now and I pray it doesn't last much longer.  I'm ready to be back on my feet, planning my next trip to Africa. So, if I have any say in it things will start looking up and making sense here real quick.  But until then!  I'm just grateful to be alive, with plenty of time to take naps, watch movies, and blog:) 

Unexpected Turn

This is one of the first posts I've ever written that will have absolutely nothing to do with adoption.  It's a post to get my story out as quick as possible so friends and family are aware of what has just taken place.  So, here I go...

As many of you know I left the United States on May 8th to spend the summer in Tanzania, Africa.  The trip was set to last until August 22nd but was cut short on June 5th.  Before I begin I just want to say that what I saw and what I learned within the short month I was in Africa are lessons and experiences I will NEVER forget.  My time in Arusha changed my life as did all the people there.  We had an amazing group and I developed some friendships that I'll cling on to forever.  I miss that place more than I've missed anything in a long time and I KNOW I'll go back someday.

So, here's the story.  And before I give details I have to let you know I may not be telling the story EXACTLY as it happened with every detail included because quite frankly, I don't remember.  I hit my head really hard and have been experiencing some hefty amnesia since it happened.  So, what I'm writing is a mix of blurred memories and reiteration from my friend Jeff (who witnessed both incidents and could probably tell the story better than I can). But I'll do my best!

Last Saturday, exactly a week ago from today, our group took a trip out of the city to a school for orphans and street children.  I remember walking around on the field with the kids but never running or getting tired. With my heart disease I have to watch my exertion as it is and I've become an expert at telling when my heart is racing too fast and when I need to stop.  But this time, I wasn't exerting myself and I did NOT see it coming.  Jeff said he looked over at me and saw my body go limp and just drop to the ground, hitting my head pretty hard on the dirt floor.  He ran over, calling the rest of the group.  And I don't know exact details of what took place after that except that they administered CPR and got me loaded into the van.  They drove as fast as they could out of the village and back into the city, to the hospital where they got me hooked up to some IV fluid and Oxygen.  I am told I came to about 30 minutes after that and was acting myself, joking with the other volunteers.  But all I remember is my head throbbing and throwing up, probably due to the concussion.  The doctors chose to keep me overnight to watch my condition because I was showing signs of serious head trauma.  So, Chanel and I cuddled up on my little bed and got whatever sleep we could (covered in dirt and three shades tanner because of it).  Then the next day I was discharged around two p.m.  All I remember from that Sunday is showering back at the house.  But I know that around 5 p.m. we started walking to one of our favorite local restaurants for dinner.  I walked alongside Jeff and he tells me we were talking about the incident the day before and he was worried something else was going to happen and that I wasn't okay.  Well, obviously he was right because soon after that I looked at him and collapsed again.  Thank goodness he caught me this time because a second blow to the head probably would have made things much worse.  He said I turned blue and started to foam at the mouth (lovely I know).  The rest of the team was close by so they ran over and got rescue breaths going pretty quick.  A lady across the street saw what happened and had the whole team load me up in her car and rush us back to the hospital.

Again, they hooked me up to IV fluid and Oxygen and I came to soon thereafter.  I started talking and acting myself but I couldn't tell ya what I said because that entire evening is wiped clean.  I do know that we were on the phone with my parents, my cardiologist, and the director of H.E.L.P. for several hours trying to decide what to do.  We had two options: the first was to drive straight to Aga Khan University Hospital in Nairobi, Kenya about three-four hours away.  The second option was to wait until 6 a.m. and board our flight to Nairobi.  The problem about waiting until 6 a.m. was that my condition was time sensitive and I needed a CT scan and other medical care STAT. The problem with driving across the border through Africa in the middle of the night was just that...it's a problem.  But I felt good about driving and something was telling me to stop arguing with all third parties and just GO. Even though everyone on the other end of the phone wanted us to wait for the flight.

Also, I have to mention my three life savers that stuck by me the ENTIRE weekend through this crazy adventure.  Jeff, Brandon, and Chanel (one of our country directors).  When I told Chanel we needed to just go and drive right away, she agreed and quickly hired a van to get us there.  Jeff and Brandon ran back to the house and got all our passports and as soon as they got back we loaded into the van and went on our way.  At one point my dad called us and was telling Chanel  to "make sure ShaNae does not board that van".  She handed the phone to me and I said, "Dad, we're already on our way"  and with a little more explanation he was on board with our decision and said "drive fast, be safe, we're all praying for you". So, off we went on what turned out to be the smoothest drive I had my whole month in Africa.  Yeah, we got stopped a few times and had to cross the border but at every checkpoint the officers sent us on our way as soon as they saw me sitting there with my eyes closed and an IV line hooked into my arm.  Note: if you travel through Africa at night, feign illness and you'll make it through;). But luckily we got through quickly because our situation was serious.

Once we got to the hospital in Nairobi they immediately started giving me necessary treatment, including a CT scan.  They ran one test after the other which I know was a benefit of arriving at 3 in the morning.  Had we arrived around 9 following our flight the hospital would have already been full with patients and their response much slower.  So we count our blessings.  I don't remember hardly any of that but I do know they kept me over night and I got to see my travel buddies only every now and then.  Again, we were on the phone back in forth with several parties trying to make a decision.  Long story short, H.E.L.P. chose to evacuate both me and Jeff the night of the 5th at 11 p.m.  So, we left the hospital around 5 and drove through Nairobi rush hour traffic to the airport.  This sounds cheesy but saying goodbye to Chanel and Brandon at the airport was SO hard.  It meant saying goodbye to them and all the rest of Africa and what I thought my summer was going to consist of.  It was hard, and I was extremely bitter I'll admit it.  After that we waited for our flight, all the while drinking LOTS of water provided by my ever careful (or scarred for life) escort Jeff (you're a champ, thanks a million). 

The whole way home I tried to remember what i could but couldn't recollect much.  And here's the honest truth.  I am extremely sad to be home.  I cried a lot in the hospital and I cried on the plane.  It breaks my heart to know I won't finish what I started back home in Tanzania.  I do not understand why any of this happened.  Why dehydration affected my heart so negatively or why the second collapse even took place.  I am grateful my defibrillator worked and shocked my heart appropriately on saturday.  And I'm grateful for all the wonderful people that took care of me.  This is a huge detour I didn't expect to take and the next few weeks we'll be doing more testing and fighting to get me into the Mayo clinic for open heart surgery.  I hope it happens because if I came home from Africa, I pray I came home for something big.  a.k.a. a surgery that will make it possible for me to travel back to Africa in the future.  So, right now I'm just trying to get my life back home in order and figure out what to do next.  And, like I said my amnesia has affected a lot.  Including my relationships so we're working on that too.

And that's that!  Two heart attacks and an emotional week are just the start to an interesting summer I'm sure.  So, I'll keep y'all posted and I pray for the best.

Couple Spotlight!:)

Hey All! Just wanted to drop a spotlight on an ADORABLE couple I was introduced to via a mutual friend. Their names are Sharlie and Andy, and they have one cute little boy named Tavin. They are a family of three hoping to become four through the miracle of adoption. I highly reccommend checking out their blog at http://www.sharlieandandy.blogspot.com/. They have tons of pictures and wonderful insight into their lives. If you or someone you know are expecting and are even slightly considering adoption, CHECK THEM OUT. Here are some photos for a sneak peak!







Good luck to you guys, I can't wait to see how things turn out for you!!!

Best December Yet and On To The New Year

Good afternoon y'all. It feels good to sit down and write:) Today I'm excited to shed some light on the past month, the fun we spent with Sophie and her Fam for the Holidays, and the exciting future. School is out for another week and a half and I'm taking this time to decompress and get ready for the next semester. And what a semester it will be. But before I get to that I'd like to talk adoption.

Obviously I have strong feelings about adoption. And this past month I have been SO grateful for the blessing it is in my life. I've had the amazing opportunity to speak on panels and at different high schools. And just recently I did a presentation at my very own American Fork High. It was fun to go back and see some familiar faces, but much more, share my story with my younger siblings and their friends in the room. We shared laughs and tears and it was one of the best adoption experiences I've ever had. I've also met some incredible adoptive couples and been introduced to their stories. I can't wait to see where this road takes them and I absolutely love and admire them for their strength. We also shared some good times with the Matheson clan as they spent time in our home for my birthday, and then for Christmas. They are the most beautiful family and I can't even express how much I love and adore every single one of them. Sophie is getting so big. She's talking, and boy does she have spirit. That girl is one spit fire. I tried to convince Troy and Rebecca that nurture was playing a bigger part than nature, but they are sure she's a mini me--completely stubborn and sassy. I can't say I'm sorry though, she needs those attributes in order to survive her fun-loving and adventurous brothers:)

During this holiday season we become centered on gratitude. I am so grateful for Troy and Rebecca. As I watch Sophie grow, and see how much she is loved and cared for I can not help but thank Heavenly Father for the amazing people she has to call Mom and Dad. They are two of the most incredible parents I've ever known. And parenting is hard. No one is perfect. But I want to be like them when I grow up;) My parents and Sophie's parents are the two prime examples of love and sacrifice that I needed to shape my idea of a mature, healthy relationship. I love Sophie with all my heart, and it has been SO MUCH FUN to watch her learn and grow along side her wonderful brothers. And I can't tell you how lucky I am to have the family I have. They are beyond supportive and accepting of my story and the people within it. Sabyn (my younger sister) wants nothing more than to love on Sophie. Unfortunately Sophie pays little mind to anyone, so Sabyn is unable to do so but we're working on it. And Mom and Dad love her and the rest of her clan like the extended family they are. All in all, this holiday season was incredible and I got to spend it with the people I love most.



I could go through every detail of my time spent with the Mathesons but I don't want to sound like a creeper. So I'll just say the boys helped me blow out my candles (naturally:)), Sophie would not let me have my birthday balloons (naturally:)), and my boyfriend met her for the first time...not naturally. It was intense but went very well. I don't expect him to fall in love with her the way I am. And in fact, I've never expected anything, but he has surprised me at every turn with his acceptance and support and desire to become a part of my adoption story. Like I said, best December yet:)







I will post Christmas pictures later, I don't have them ready yet. But anyway, I just wanted to write about the good times. And let the world know that adoption, even with it's hard days, has been one of the best things to ever happen to me.

Now, let's talk New Years Resolutions. I'm not all about the weight loss, or better job, but can I raise a glass for marriage? Yup, you heard it. Wedding talk has been happenin' round here, and holy crap do I already have the jitters! I'm so excited but so nervous too. A few weeks ago I was on the phone with my mom and she asked me, "ShaNae, is there any part of you that feels bad or icky when you think about marrying Spenser?" and I stopped for a second then said, "Honestly, no. The only part of me that says STOP is the part of me that promised she'd never get married before the age of 25." But hey, life never does go according to plan and I've always been known to break the rules. Keeps life interesting:) So, though I don't have a ring on my finger, right now we're working to get some straight answers from the Big Man Himself. Once that happens, a proposal will follow. But wait, wasn't I planning on leaving to Africa for the summer? YUP. Engaged or not, I'm still going. Ya, it's going to be hard, and strange leaving my fiance for four months but I know I'm supposed to go, and next summer, maybe I'll be going as a package deal, I can only hope:) So, a year from now I may be married...that is still hard for me to wrap my head around but I'm excited. Excited to share my life with someone I love. I just hope he can keep up;) and put up with my stubborn attitude. But that's the thing about Spons, and my parents would agree, he is the one person who can. So, all in all, looks like the next four months are going to be action packed. I have school and work, both full time. I have money to raise for my trip to Africa, and I have a wedding to plan....woah. That's quite the load, but I'm excited to get it done. I want a lot in life and I expect a lot out of my future. But I know with strong conviction it can all happen. One of my favorite quotes was actually told to me for the first time by Spenser. It says "If you Want something bad enough to go out and fight for it. To work day and night for it. To give up your time, your peace and sleep for it. And all that you dream and scheme is about it. And life seems useless and worthless without it. And if you gladly sweat for it and fret for it and plan for it. And lose all your terror of the opposition for it. And if you simply go after that thing that you want with all of your capacity, strength and sagacity, faith, hope, and confidence and stern for tenacity. If neither cold, poverty, famish, or sickness, or pain of body and brain can keep you away from that thing that you want. If darker than grim , you besiege and beset it, with the help of God you'll get it." Well, I want to go to Africa and make a difference, then I want to get married and continue a life full of hard work, love, sacrifice, and adventure. And I want that more than anything. So, with God's help, looks like I'm on my way.

Till next time!

Adoptive CoupleS Spotlight!:) (Continued)

Ok, so for some reason Blogger is being DUMB and won't let me publish both my spotlights together. so, here is the second half:)

Please meet Ryan and Kristen:

Okay, so here's a quick little story for y'all. One fine day, I received an email from a friend I met back in high school. I hope she doesn't mind if I use her name on here...because here it goes. Ryan and Kristen are the wonderful older sister and brother-in-law of Natalie Hullinger. Some of you may have heard of her, she's become an amazing and talented musical artist who just released her first CD titled, Chronic Case of Love. If you'd like to hear some of her stuff, or just look at her ADORABLE photos online (Sorry Natalie, I hope that doesn't sound too creepy) just log into facebook and go to http://www.facebook.com/MsNatalieNicoleMusic.

So, the email I received from Ms. Natalie asked me to check out her sister's adoption blog and consider giving them a spotlight on mine. So, I immediately went to their page and it took all of oh...two seconds to see how cute of a couple they are. Though Ryan and Kristin and I have never met in person, my heart goes out to them in their efforts to expand their family. They have been married for six years and are patiently waiting for their little baby to come home through adoption. Please take the time to check them out at http://www.weheartadoption.blogspot.com/.



As always, you wonderful adoptive couples are in my prayers and I can not wait to see where this road takes you. I wish you the best, and I will be keeping tabs. You men and women are incredible. Thanks for letting me spotlight you!

Till next time:)