HALLOWEEN!

Sophie's first Halloween was nothing less than a huge success! She was ADORABLE in her little lady bug costume hand crafted by her extremely gifted mother, Rebecca! (when I grow up I wanna be like her) I'll post some pictures here for y'all to see. Unfortunately I was out of town Halloween weekend and was not present when Soph and the Fam stopped by for some tricks-and-treats. But they stayed and hung with my family for awhile while enjoying bits of pumpkin cheesecake. My brother took a video that I will post soon. It was such a treat to come home from my trip and see the recording of her visit. Her two brothers were just as dressed up as she was in hand made costumes and incredible make up! Caleb's hair was dyed black and it looked awesome! Rand had some amazing make-up going on as well:) The day before I left town I did get to see Sophie in her little outfit in person. We attended the Halloween Group Party, which was so fun! Thanks to all who helped put it together!

Anyway, here are the pics!:)

Coping at Almost Five Months

I woke up today, looked out my window, and what did I see? SNOW...yup that's right, SNOW. Not a good start to my day. I have the worst physical and emotional reactions to cold weather. No one knows why, it's been that way since I was a tiny chidlet.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately about adoptive couples and the different adoption relationships I've seen over the past year. I just want to say, I AM SO BLESSED. Troy and Rebecca, (for those of you who don't know, they're Sophie's parents) are SO GREAT. I have seen birth mom's crushed and ruined because of the relationships they strive to maintain between their adoptive families. It breaks my heart and I often find myself aching for them, somehow wishing I could mend the issues. But I can't, every adoption is SO different and you have to take it all in stride.

I just feel like bragging for a moment, I'm sorry if this is annoying to any of you. But I want to voice my gratitude. Troy and Rebecca have done more for me and my family then I ever imagined. They go over board to make sure I feel loved and appreciated. I am never afraid to confront them with an issue or question because I know no doors will be slammed in my face. They are always there to listen and reevaluate our relationship so that everyone involved is well taken care of. They are so perfect for my little girl. I couldn't have asked for better. I can't even express to you how comforting it is as a birth mother, to know that Sophie will ALWAYS be loved and taken care of. I have no fear and no regrets. That is something that not all birth moms can say. THANK YOU.

Adoptive couples cease to amaze me. I have met several couples over the past year, and not one of them didn't I like. Looking back at the beginning of my pregnancy, I remember feeling some resentment towards them. The adoption world was so new to me, I hardly understood a thing. I just had absolutely NO idea what they go through, or that they even experience grief. I never would have known how difficult adoption is for adoptive couples had I not gone through my own adoption experience. It wasn't until just before my own placement, that I learned what placement was like for ACs. Did I think that day was hard for them? NOPE. They were gaining an addition to their family, what's so sad about that? Well, there's a lot of pain when you know you're happiness comes at another's expense. It's the most bittersweet moment for them, and it's not all roses and daises...despite what I initially thought. ACs have a strength I am just beginning to comprehend. They are truly amazing, strong people who have inspired me in many ways and on many different occasions.

Here are some recent pics of the Soph!:) She's getting cuter every day! Halloween is coming up and Rebecca made her the CUTEST costume, I'll be sure to post pictures of that soon.

Life Is Simple If You Let It Be

Life IS simple. I promise. I've been thinking A LOT lately about what I want in life, and where I need to go. And I think the most important thing I've learned is that things are only as big, hard, or frustrating as I let them be. I've hit an interesting curb recently, one that has truly helped in my personal progression. And this is it: Some days are going to suck, some days are never going to end, and some days I may want to give up...but is life going to stop and wait for me to catch up? NO. So keep pushing and know that things always get better. As long as I'm doing my best. I feel like I've gone from this oober stressed, freaked out individual to a really laid back, "I can do this" mentality. And it is AWESOME:) I recommend it to anyone. Being part of an adoption story has opened my eyes to the things that truly matter. And I've learned a few things. Such as: people (including myself) complain about really stupid things that can easily be fixed with some good ol' positive self talk, there's a lot of unnecessary over evaluating in this world, and immaturity runs deep in the roots of humanity. Well, honestly, I just felt like expressing that:) Everything is good and busy around here still. I visited Sophie today at her home and got to spend time with her and her family. It was wonderful:) She's getting huge! I'll post some pictures asap. Still as cute as can be though, that hasn't changed:)

Birth Mother Blurb

So before I get started, I just want to say this post is going to be a vent session, and a graphic one at that. But educational, so please read:) Throughout my adoption journey I've met several wonderful birth moms...and several not so wonderful. But I appreciate both kinds because I learn from each. But as I've become close friends with other birth moms I've come to the realization that we all have one HUGE thing in common, yet all our stories and situations are SO different. Mainly due to the difference in our personalities. For example, I'd say I heal quick, I don't like talking about sex, and I think there is such a thing as stupid questions. But what's life without variety right? It keeps things interesting. Anyway, as I was out with some fellow birth moms tonight I realized that I may not have found my place just yet. I don't understand how girls like me can find pleasure in talking about the one thing that got us into this mess in the first place. Yeah, we're adults, and yeah it's part of life, but that doesn't mean it's ok. Am I really so weird that I've only slept with one guy in my entire life? I'm sorry, should I have slept with more, where did I miss the memo? I will openly admit that I don't like talking about it because it is a personal weakness. And if I were smart, I'd avoid that weakness at all costs, even in speech. Well, these girls are my closest friends, and I believe in being open with them so I guess it's time for a girl talk...bleh, I'm so not looking forward to this.

Anyway, on to another topic. I want to tell the world a little more about the fears we have as birth moms. Our fears are deep and they are real. Why? BECAUSE WE ARE NORMAL PEOPLE WHO LIVE AND BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS YOU DO. We're not psycho freaks who place their babies because we're void of any emotion.
Fears of birthparents:

• Telling your story to others and having them misunderstand.
• Everyone believes you have mental issues and that's why you couldn't keep your child.
• That you were heavily into drugs and couldn't keep your child.
• That I'm just irresponsible and don't have the maturity to take care of my baby.
• Misunderstanding that just because we miss our child, doesn't mean that we regret our choice to place our baby for adoption.
• Being told you're not a good enough mother and you abandoned your baby.
• Adoption was just a way to hide the "unwanted" pregnancy. (Our babies are never UNWANTED. We have always wanted them.)
• Everyone will think I never wanted my baby or I took the "easy way out."
• Going back to old habits and my birth child hating me for not changing or being better for them.
• Your adoptive family won't tell your birth child who you are and you did everything out of love.
• Birth child not knowing you love them.
• Never being able to get used to the title as "birth mother" not "mother."
• Worry the adoptive parents will get a divorce.
• I will do or say something wrong so the adoptive family will hold my birth child hostage and never let me see them.
• I will do or say something wrong to my birth child and they will no longer want contact with me.
• My birth child will think being adopted is a burden and hate me for it.
• My birth child will think they were an accident or a mistake.
• They will hate hearing that they look like their birth parents.
• Worried how to tell the guys I'm dating that I've had a baby and placed the baby for adoption.
• Never being married so then I won't be able to have my own kids later unless I am artificially inseminated.
• How my birth son/birth daughter will feel when I do get married and decided to have kids...it's that whole "why will you keep them but not me" thing.
• After placing, your child will instantly forget you and won't want you to hold them.
• Feel awkward seeing the adoptive family after placement.
• Living the rest of my life regretting the adoption.

We also experience pain. Go figure right? Well, surprisingly some adoptive couples (heck some people, not just ACs) don't understand that we hurt even with an open adoption. I have a birth mother friend who had some good points on her blog, in fact the above fears come from her, thanks steph:) and these quotes come from her blog too, I hope she doesn't mind, but they express exactly how it feels to be a birth mom at times.

“Trust me I know how it feels I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you. I know what it’s like to wait for everyone to be asleep so you can fall apart for everything to hurt so bad you just want it to end, I know exactly how it feels”

"Ever have that feeling in your heart where it hurts so bad, words could never do it justice? Where you don't know if you should laugh from the unimaginable pain that you feel, or cry. Where it hurts too much to be real. That feeling where your chest aches, and it's hard to breathe. You want to scream, but the pain has taken away your voice. Leaving you silent and empty. That's how I feel right now."

"Real loss only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself"

"One of the greatest discoveries a [woman] makes, one of [her] greatest surprises, is to find [she] can do what [she] was afraid [she] couldn't."

"God places the heaviest burdens on those who can carry its weight"

"When I was afraid of everything, I was never afraid to love you"

I love all these quotes. As birth moms, we make a huge sacrifice, and I'm not saying we should be praised for it. I'm saying that I firmly believe educating people about all ends of an adoption story is so important. Which is why I LOVE hearing Adoptive couples tell their story. So, that's my blurb for the day. Till next time!:)

Life Can Be Crazy

I have finally been able to sit, catch my breath, and blog for a bit:) Can I just say that life never slows down, I swear! It's insane. One thing after the next. I work every day of my life and free time is truly a sweet rarity theses days. Which is nice. I am one of those weirdos who thrives off being busy. It makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something.

So update on Sophie. She just had her 2 month Dr. appointment and she's almost 10 pounds!!! We thought she'd never get there she's so tiny. Her mom says she's more and more alert all the time and she's starting to hold her head up all by herself. I can't believe how time flies...So all in all she's doing wonderful. Healthy as ever!

I attended the FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) conference last week, and had a fabulous time. I stayed at a hotel with some of my close birth mother friends, and we had a blast. I learned A TON. I met tons of people associated with adoption in several different ways and it was wonderful hearing all ends of adoption stories. I made new friends and had a great time:) Troy and Rebecca were unable to attend this year, but they best come next year! haha While at the conference, I had the goal in mind to learn more about adoptive couples, and what they experience. I wanted to understand adoption from their perspective. So, I went to a few classes that were mostly intended for adoptive couples. I was shocked to learn that some ACs don't understand why birth mothers experience such pain and grief with an open adoption. I was also surprised to hear that some ACs miss and love their birth mothers like family, where as others don't. I liked hearing about the grief that ACs experience with infertility and the joy that comes when they have the opportunity to start a family. I feel honored to be a birth mother. Even with the good, the bad, and the ugly, it's all worth it.

Yesterday I met with my case worker and discussed where I'm at with my healing process. I told her that I no longer NEED to see Sophie in order to heal. I realize now that my healing is up to me, in my mind and in my heart. It's all dependent on my own personal choices. I have reached the point where visits with Sophie and her family are times I look forward to, like Christmas:) My happiness should not be dependent on anyone but me, and I've finally reached that point. Apparently I'm a bit ahead of the game, which was so good to hear. My case worker wants me to start being a little more involved with FSA, so she is going to assign me to a sub committee. My job will be to blog/photograph all of FSA's events on our chapter blog. I'll also interview adoptive couples and post their stories on line. I'm looking forward to it all!:)

Well, back to reality! 'Till next time!

Peekaboo Portraits

New Beginnings

It's been a while since I've written due to loss of internet access and a new job. I finally landed the internship of my dreams at Highland Fire Department working as an EMT!!!!:) Let me tell you, it is the FUNNEST most EXCITING job of my life. I don't get paid much because I'm just an intern for now, but maybe some day I'll be able to move up to a part time employee. Meanwhile I'm looking for a second job as an ER Technician at Provo hospital. I pray I get the job! I just got off a 24 hour shift at the station, after which I had to run home and get ready for the American Fork parade where I marched with an LDS Family services FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) float. I'm soooo tired and will be taking an afternoon nap here pretty soon. I didn't get any sleep last night because we had emergency calls, which I totally don't mind. I'd rather be going on calls than sleeping any day. I have so many stories from work even after just two weeks of employment. I LOVE the job. The guys decided I needed to have some sort of "initiation" yesterday so they dared me to drink a whole gallon of milk in an hour. If I completed the task, they'd award me with $100. P.S. it was whole milk...bleh:P I almost did it! I got 3/4 of the way through and then I almost threw up, so needless to say, I didn't recieve the $100 but I am officially initiated...ha! whatever, I only tried it because they doubted my abilities and I was up to a challenge. Anyway, I hated milk before, but now I really hate it.

So, update on Sophie and her goings on. She is still as tiny as can be, though she drinks 4 ounces of milk ever 3 hours of so. She's a chow hound! But a cute one at that! Her hair is growing longer, thicker, and redder all the time. She just barely started to smile in reaction to people. It is THE cutest thing ever. She has so many funny faces that she makes, she's very animated and it's to-die-for adorable! And her sweet mom took tons of pictures of her smiling, so I will be sure to post those very soon for all to see. We also got our professional photos back from Peekaboo Portraits, so I'll post those as well. Sophie is on a plane at this very moment headed to Virigina with mom and dad. They'll be spending the whole next week there at an EFY while the boys stay at home enjoying time with their grandparents. Anywho...that's the jist of it. Things are going great between me and my adoptive family, the Mathesons. I love them to pieces and can't wait for our big BBQ coming up on the 26th!

As far as my emotional healing process...things are going great. I have gone from having 3-4 horrible days in a row to 3-4 bad hours every now and then. I am slowly building up my confidence and moving on with my life in positive ways. And though my heart still aches and I still have questions, I am at peace knowing that Sophie is being so loved and taken care of and that I can see her again. Adoption is amazing people, I just want to put that out there. It has changed/blessed my life, as well as many others. Till next time!